Trigger Warning… Self Harm & Cutting
I got a new punishment yesterday. It was the first time Daddy spanked me as a punishment. I’m a masochist and usually don’t receive punishments having to do with physical pain. It certainly didn’t feel good but it was a great release of tension and emotional pain. I think that was His point. He said if I committed the offense again the number of spankings would be doubled. I couldn’t handle much more than 5 of His hardest spankings…
I usually enjoy them, His spankings, that is…but this was…different. I didn’t hate it but I’m not going to go looking for it. And He was much more tender than He usually is during punishment. Idk, it was weird. Still processing, I suppose…
Here’s a little back story…
I cut two nights ago. I got thrown several big & unexpected curveballs about this car I’m trying to buy and a job opportunity that’s dependant upon said car. He knew I was upset but I guess I didn’t adequately explain my level of…despair, I guess. He sent me to bed early and when I woke at midnight, He was asleep. I got really panicky and tried to wake Him. I suppose I could’ve tried harder…
When He wouldn’t wake up, I started hyperventilating…and I cut. I haven’t cut (to self harm) in almost a year. After I could breath again, I put on some music and sat outside for a few hours. I finally went back to bed at 3. I told Him about the night yesterday morning & He said I should’ve tried harder to wake Him but He understands why I didn’t. He also apologized for not seeing how bad off I was. That last time I cut, a year or so ago, He said if I did it again, I’d receive one hard and unpleasant spanking per cut, in rapid succession. I got 5 in the kitchen while the boys were outside. He had to…but He feels bad. I could guarantee He’d discuss this further that evening…and He did.
After the boys fell asleep on the couch last night, Daddy led me into our bedroom. He got out our scalpel and calmly reminded me that this is HIS body and if any cuttings are to be made, they are HIS to make. He looked me in the eyes as He wiped the lower half of my body down with antiseptic. I began to tremble. He asked if I would remember that. I said yes. He said, “Yes, you sure will” & proceeded to cut and carve all over my hips and ass.
No safe words were going to save me from this lesson so I didn’t even bother. I’m so fucking sore today I can barely move without pain. When He was done, He said “No more of this or next time will be so much worse. Please try me if you don’t believe me”. It was like making your child smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at once when you catch them smoking. I will not forget this lesson.
The only thing that made it not awful was His decision to feed after the punishment and lesson parts were over. There’s nothing in the world as bonding as allowing your Mate to feed from your blood. He made love to me afterwards. Clawing and grabbing at your fresh wounds, making them bleed all over again, He silently reassuring me that everything was fine again…and how deeply I am loved & adored.
When it was all over, He finally allowed me to get off the bed. I slowly got to my feet and Daddy pulled me close to Him for a hug. I rested my head on His chest and just let it all go. All the pain, fear, worry and despair that I had kept from Him, they all came right to the surface but didn’t spill over…until He pulled away just a bit so He could hold out His Pinky to me. I remember wondering why He was shaking.
In our home, the Pinky Swear is the highest code of honor. A promise made with a Pinky cannot be broken without losing a great deal of trust afterwards. He looked at me and said, “No more of this, baby. Please”. I started crying and shaking like I haven’t in years. I slowly reached out my Pinky towards His and tentatively wrapped my tiny finger around His larger one.
I guess I’m finished with cutting as a form of self harm for good…I hope.