There Is No Such Thing As a True Dominant (Or a True Submissive Or Anything Else, For That Matter)
This meme is incredibly accurate…especially for a meme. Dominance (and submission, for that matter) is a state of mind above than anything else…much more a state of mind than it is something sexual or even kinky. My Daddy and I can be in a crowded room, full of non-Lifestylers, and all He has to do is give me a two second look and my body viscerally reacts. My pulse quickens and my breath draws in more shallow. I can instantly hear His voice in my head, actually saying whatever needs to be communicated in His sexy, deepened voice and I literally start to melt. And, yes…I know what ‘literally’ means. That’s what I’m talking about when I proudly title Him with the honorific as my Dom, my Daddy Dom, my Daddy, my Sadist, my Other, my Love…He is both inside my head and inside my heart.
Daddy and I are practicing a 24/7 Dominance/submission (D/s) Caregiver dynamics in our home together. We have come to title our dynamic as such because we are a “Daddy Dom/babygirl” caregiver paradigm as well as D/s. Some Daddies and littles do not subscribe to the D/s power exchange at all, opting only for the caregiver aspect, so I will usually make that distinction.
Daddy and I have had hours of discussions about what works for us as individuals and as a couple, in terms of intimate wants and needs, emotional boundaries, sexual limits and desires and both short and long term goals for the future. We know one another very, very well. We have come to a place in our relationship where it’s easier to talk about the uncomfortable emotions and just be real with each other. It’s not always easy but it is worth it. I think that the biggest downfall of any alternative lifestyles relationship dynamic is when the parties have differences in their wants, needs, limits and desires because that creates unmet expectations. Unfulfilled expectations can be devastating to one party while the other party does not even know that there’s any issue going on in their partner’s(s’) mind and heart at all.
Some people form the foundations for these unfulfilled expectations even before the ever meet their partner!!
For example, let’s say I am new to the BDSM scene. I have done my research online and discussed personal experiences on topics of which i have personal interest with others through reputable Internet groups and I have gone out into my local community to begin to form a network of friendships. I have already decided, in my own mind, exactly what a “real” Dom looks like…and I have done this strictly from my own inaccurate impressions from books and articles as well as on my own unexperienced expectations of what Dominance, submission, and BDSM at large, actually are.
If the above list is what works for you right now, that’s great. However, no one can expect everyone to subscribe to their wants, needs or belief systems. At this point, a new kinkster is all about BDSM Fantasy instead of BDSM Reality because they simply do not know any better. A person who is new to kink will already have unrealistic perceptions of what participating in BDSM is all about…and to make matters worse, they usually expect everyone in the Lifestyle to agree with them. It just doesn’t work.
Your perception of what a “true” or “real” Dominant, submissive, Top, bottom and/or switch is will not match up with the realities of others. You cannot expect them to do so. It takes time and experience to understand that YKINMKBYKIOK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is O.K.). In other words, just because you are into something that I’m not into, it doesn’t make your desires “bad”, it just makes them not for me. This concept extends from inclinations towards sexual activities, predispositions to kinks and fetishes as well as desires and limits regarding interpersonal relationships and/or participation in any BDSM dynamics.
One of the most commonly overlooked aspects of BDSM is the vetting, questioning and interviewing of potential partners. People need to remember that not every person will be into what you’re into so it’s important to take the time to find someone who is.
Let me repeat that:
It takes time to find a compatible partner.
Talk about your wants and needs with your potential partner(s) without shame. Discuss your goals and limits with honesty and integrity. Be true to yourself. Allow others to be true to themselves without degradation or expectations. Understand that just because something doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work wonderfully for others.
A final point worth mentioning…
Honorable BDSMers come in all shapes and sizes. One size does definitely NOT fit all in this Lifestyle. That said, there ARE people who hurt and abuse others.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT PRACTICING BDSM. THE ARE PRACTICING ABUSE. Plain and simple.
When we label people as “true” and “real”, especially on social media, we set up an impossibly inaccurate standards to which others are forcefully made to adhere, even if just in our own minds. It’s unfair, biased and unrealistic to do this. There are definitely people who try to act like kinksters from every corner of the Lifestyle, but they are not practicing consensual, responsible BDSM. They are also the ones who hurt, abuse, rape and kidnap others for their own sick personal gratification. These people hide among us, but they are not practicing BDSM and I think it is very important that distinction is made. BDSM is all about CONSENT and people who hurt and abuse others do not have that consent. The two concepts are miles apart.
Vetting, questioning and interviewing of potential partner(s), with the help of tools such as various BDSM checklists for activities, kinks and fetishes, is your most powerful asset as you navigate through the Lifestyle. Taking the time to ask, research and answer these types of discussion prompts is yet another asset. Don’t become frenzied as you search for prospective partners, take your time and learn to know with whom you are dealing…or even if you care to deal with them at all.