Finding Your Personal Balance of Submission And Independence
I’ve often heard a newly enthralled couple stating things like, “You complete me’, to one another in person and in social media comments, as they coo and snuggle together (virtually, if need be). We’ve read posts in this very group where couples have described themselves as being “everything” to each other, the “end all and be all” of their “universe”. The flowery words of poetic sentiment, describing the emotions (as explosive fireworks and as paralyzing electricity) of a new relationship can get pretty racy pretty quickly. Add in the extra intensity of a newly forged BDSM relationship and I’ve even heard the phrase, “Death means nothing”, in reference to the strength of the bond between the two parties. (Oh wait, I remember where I’ve heard that. I said it. More than once.)
Are those poetic participles of passion a bit sappy and ultimately meaningless? Yes, definitely…and no, not at all.
As with everything else, perception of the circumstances is key and everything is relative. Semantics get in the way and all art gets torn from the moment. And that’s good. Sometimes we need to see what’s really going on right before our eyes in the absolute most objective way possible.
All of the memories of all those sweet words which were once whispered into your ear will not be enough to keep you from breaking down should the relationship come to an untimely end. In fact, if you’re like most people, simply recalling the sentimentality of those words of love will make you want to scream when thought of after the relationship is ended. It doesn’t matter how it ends either. Only multally amicable partings are not completely devastating. Otherwise, someone’s either cursing or praising the other’s name, depending ding on just how their partner exited the scene.
We are all very hard on ourselves on a daily basis. Some of us even have protocol in our dynanic’s about negative self talk and defamatory remarks about our D-type’s property. Talking and even thinking poorly of oneself is extremely unhealthy and counterproductive. Most Doms will put guidelines into play because of the severity of psychological damage that comes along with that type of behavior. Yet many of us still do it every single day. Why?
I believe that a major reason for this type of negative attitude is because of deeply rooted insecurities which have gained a foothold in our psyche, going as far back as early childhood in some cases. This type of discord brings about a lack of confidence, massive insecurities and low self esteem. Exhibiting those negative traits makes for the perfect storm of neurosis, a breeding ground for poor, and even dangerous, life choices which are doomed from the start. Living with all of those underlying psychological issues, all the while avoiding the uncomfortable…and downright scary…root of the emotional turmoil (which triggered the occurrences of the negative and unhealthy coping mechanisms in the first place) only sets us up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, abandonment, distrust or what have you.
Sometimes a person can only begin to see themselves for who and what they really are by looking at themselves through the eyes of another person. This type of objectivity is the main focus of cognitive therapy. Sometimes a person can only begin to change their behavior for the better when given the directives to do so by another person they deem “in authority” per whatever qualifications they feel are important at the time. I can see why patients are sometimes known to transfer strong emotions, and even sexual energy, onto their therapists. Therapists are trained to deal with this occurrence and are honor bound not to encourage that type of behavior. The rules for such transference aren’t so clear for many people, Lifestyle or otherwise, when this type of intense relationship occurs between people when other attractions are also present.
Participation in therapy is a requirement for many dynamics and BDSM should not be a substitute for that therapy in any way. The dependence an s-type feels toward his/her D-type can be incredibly strong, the emotions can become almost overpowering, but any relationship, Lifestyle or otherwise, cannot be your whole universe.
No one can be your rock. Rocks come and go. You must be your own rock, first and foremost. It’s wonderful to love someone, it’s spiritual to submit to someone…and it’s tragically painful to be left by someone. I’m not saying to hold back your love or your submission but one MUST have a strong foundation of self-worth and belief in self-reliance before control can be given to another in any meaningful way. I know, I “submitted ” before I was ready a few times…and in all but one case, I was damaged by the experience, to one degree or another. All that pain and heartache can be easily avoided by simply taking your time with vetting, questioning, interviewing and negotiating with prospective partners…but it takes a healthy sense of self-worth to be able to learn how to do that and avoid the siren song of subfrenzy.