A Cut Above The Rest

Trigger Warning…  Self Harm & Cutting

​I got a new punishment yesterday.  It was the first time Daddy spanked me as a punishment.  I’m a masochist and usually don’t receive punishments having to do with physical pain.  It certainly didn’t feel good but it was a great release of tension and emotional pain.  I think that was His point.  He said if I committed the offense again the number of spankings would be doubled.  I couldn’t handle much more than 5 of His hardest spankings…

I usually enjoy them, His spankings, that is…but this was…different.  I didn’t hate it but I’m not going to go looking for it.  And He was much more tender than He usually is during punishment.  Idk, it was weird.  Still processing, I suppose…
Here’s a little back story…

I cut two nights ago.  I got thrown several big & unexpected curveballs about this car I’m trying to buy and a job opportunity that’s dependant upon said car.  He knew I was upset but I guess I didn’t adequately explain my level of…despair, I guess.  He sent me to bed early and when I woke at midnight, He was asleep.  I got really panicky and tried to wake Him.  I suppose I could’ve tried harder… 

When He wouldn’t wake up, I started hyperventilating…and I cut.  I haven’t cut (to self harm) in almost a year.  After I could breath again, I put on some music and sat outside for a few hours.  I finally went back to bed at 3.  I told Him about the night yesterday morning & He said I should’ve tried harder to wake Him but He understands why I didn’t.  He also apologized for not seeing how bad off I was.  That last time I cut, a year or so ago, He said if I did it again, I’d receive one hard and unpleasant spanking per cut, in rapid succession.  I got 5 in the kitchen while the boys were outside.  He had to…but He feels bad.  I could guarantee He’d discuss this further that evening…and He did.

After the boys fell asleep on the couch last night, Daddy led me into our bedroom.  He got out our scalpel and calmly reminded me that this is HIS body and if any cuttings are to be made, they are HIS to make.  He looked me in the eyes as He wiped the lower half of my body down with antiseptic.  I began to tremble.  He asked if I would remember that.  I said yes.  He said, “Yes, you sure will” & proceeded to cut and carve all over my hips and ass.  

No safe words were going to save me from this lesson so I didn’t even bother.  I’m so fucking sore today I can barely move without pain.  When He was done, He said “No more of this or next time will be so much worse.  Please try me if you don’t believe me”.  It was like making your child smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at once when you catch them smoking.  I will not forget this lesson.
The only thing that made it not awful was His decision to feed after the punishment and lesson parts were over.  There’s nothing in the world as bonding as allowing your Mate to feed from your blood.  He made love to me afterwards.  Clawing and grabbing at your fresh wounds, making them bleed all over again, He silently reassuring me that everything was fine again…and how deeply I am loved & adored.

When it was all over, He finally allowed me to get off the bed.  I slowly got to my feet and Daddy pulled me close to Him for a hug.  I rested my head on His chest and just let it all go.  All the pain, fear, worry and despair that I had kept from Him, they all came right to the surface but didn’t spill over…until He pulled away just a bit so He could hold out His Pinky to me.  I remember wondering why He was shaking.  

He wasn’t.  

I was.

In our home, the Pinky Swear is the highest code of honor.  A promise made with a Pinky cannot be broken without losing a great deal of trust afterwards.  He looked at me and said, “No more of this, baby.  Please”.  I started crying and shaking like I haven’t in years.  I slowly reached out my Pinky towards His and tentatively wrapped my tiny finger around His larger one.  

I guess I’m finished with cutting as a form of self harm for good…I hope.

~Beautifully Broken~

​Cutting and Self-Harm:  How to Feel Better without Hurting Yourself

*I rarely publish anything on here that isn’t an original piece of writing, but i think this article is an excellent exception… BB
Self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. It may help you express feelings you can’t put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain. Afterwards, you probably feel better—at least for a little while. But then the painful feelings return, and you feel the urge to hurt yourself again. If you want to stop cutting or self-harming but don’t know how, remember this: you deserve to feel better, and you can get there without hurting yourself.

What do you need to know about cutting and self-harm?

Self-harm is a way of expressing and dealing with deep distress and emotional pain. As counterintuitive as it may sound to those on the outside, hurting yourself can make you feel better. In fact, you may feel like you have no choice. Injuring yourself is the only way you know how to cope with feelings like sadness, self-loathing, emptiness, guilt, and rage.

The problem is that the relief that comes from self-harming doesn’t last very long. It’s like slapping on a Band-Aid when what you really need are stitches. It may temporarily stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t fix the underlying injury. It also creates its own problems.

If you’re like most people who self-injure, you probably try to keep what you’re doing secret. Maybe you feel ashamed or maybe you just think that no one would understand. But hiding who you are and what you feel is a heavy burden. Ultimately, the secrecy and guilt affects your relationships with your friends and family members and the way you feel about yourself. It can make you feel even more lonely, worthless, and trapped.

Myths and facts about cutting and self-harm

Because cutting and other means of self-harm tend to be taboo subjects, the people around you—and possibly even you—may harbor serious misunderstandings about your motivations and state of mind. Don’t let these myths get in the way of getting help or helping someone you care about.

Myth: People who cut and self-injure are trying to get attention. 

Fact: The painful truth is that people who self-harm generally harm themselves in secret. They aren’t trying to manipulate others or draw attention to themselves. In fact, shame and fear can make it very difficult to come forward and ask for help.

Myth: People who self-injure are crazy and/or dangerous. 

Fact: It is true that many people who self-harm suffer from anxiety, depression, or a previous trauma—just like millions of others in the general population, but that doesn’t make them crazy or dangerous. Self-injury is how they cope. Sticking a label like “crazy” or “dangerous” on a person isn’t accurate or helpful.

Myth: People who self-injure want to die. 

Fact: People who self-injure usually do not want to die. When they self-harm, they are not trying to kill themselves—they are trying to cope with their problems and pain. In fact, self-injury may be a way of helping themselves go on living. However, in the long-term, people who self-injure have a much higher risk of suicide, which is why it’s so important to seek help.

Myth: If the wounds aren’t bad, it’s not that serious. 

Fact: The severity of a person’s wounds has very little to do with how much he or she may be suffering. Don’t assume that because the wounds or injuries are minor, there’s nothing to worry about.

Recognize the symptoms and warning signs

Self-harm includes anything you do to intentionally injure yourself. 

Some of the more common ways include:

cutting or severely scratching your skin

burning or scalding yourself

hitting yourself or banging your head

punching things or throwing your body against walls and hard objects

sticking objects into your skin

intentionally preventing wounds from healing

swallowing poisonous substances or inappropriate objects

Self-harm can also include less obvious ways of hurting yourself or putting yourself in danger, such as driving recklessly, binge drinking, taking too many drugs, and having unsafe sex.

Warning signs that a family member or friend is cutting or self-harming

Because clothing can hide physical injuries, and inner turmoil can be covered up by a seemingly calm disposition, self-injury can be hard to detect. However, there are red flags you can look for (but remember—you don’t have to be sure that you know what’s going on in order to reach out to someone you’re worried about):

Unexplained wounds or scars from cuts, bruises, or burns, usually on the wrists, arms, thighs, or chest.

Blood stains on clothing, towels, or bedding; blood-soaked tissues.

Sharp objects or cutting instruments, such as razors, knives, needles, glass shards, or bottle caps, in the person’s belongings.

Frequent “accidents.” Someone who self-harms may claim to be clumsy or have many mishaps, in order to explain away injuries.

Covering up. A person who self-injures may insist on wearing long sleeves or long pants, even in hot weather.

Needing to be alone for long periods of time, especially in the bedroom or bathroom.

Isolation and irritability.  

How does cutting and self-harm help?

In your own words

“It expresses emotional pain or feelings that I’m unable to put into words. It puts a punctuation mark on what I’m feeling on the inside!”

“It’s a way to have control over my body because I can’t control anything else in my life.”

“I usually feel like I have a black hole in the pit of my stomach, at least if I feel pain it’s better than feeling nothing. ”

“I feel relieved and less anxious after I cut. The emotional pain slowly slips away into the physical pain.”

It’s important to acknowledge that self-harm helps you—otherwise you wouldn’t do it. Some of the ways cutting and self-harming can help include:

Expressing feelings you can’t put into words or releasing the pain and tension you feel inside

Helping you feel in control, relieving guilt, or punishing yourself

Distracting you from overwhelming emotions or difficult life circumstances

Making you feel alive, or simply feel something, instead of feeling numb

Once you better understand why you self-harm, you can learn ways to stop self-harming, and find resources that can support you through this struggle.

If self-harm helps, why stop?

Although self-harm and cutting can give you temporary relief, it comes at a cost. In the long term, it causes far more problems than it solves.

The relief is short lived, and is quickly followed by other feelings like shame and guilt. Meanwhile, it keeps you from learning more effective strategies for feeling better.

Keeping the secret of self-harm is difficult and lonely. And it can have a detrimental effect on your relationships with friends and family members.

You can hurt yourself badly, even if you don’t mean to. It’s easy to misjudge the depth of a cut or end up with an infected wound.

You’re at risk for bigger problems down the line. If you don’t learn other ways to deal with emotional pain, you increase your risk of  major depression, drug and alcohol addiction, and suicide.

Self-harm can become addictive. It may start off as an impulse or something you do to feel more in control, but soon it feels like the cutting or self-harming is controlling you. It often turns into a compulsive behavior that seems impossible to stop.

The bottom line: self-harm and cutting don’t help you with the issues that made you want to hurt yourself in the first place. There are many other ways that the underlying issues that drive your self-harm can be managed or overcome.

Confide in someone

If you’re ready to get help for cutting or self-harm, the first step is to confide in another person. It can be scary to talk about the very thing you have worked so hard to hide, but it can also be a huge relief to finally let go of your secret and share what you’re going through.

Deciding whom you can trust with such personal information can be difficult. Choose someone who isn’t going to gossip or try to take control of your recovery. Ask yourself who in your life makes you feel accepted and supported. It could be a friend, teacher, religious leader, counselor, or relative. But you don’t necessarily have to choose someone you are close to.

Eventually, you’ll want to open up to your inner circle of friends and family members, but sometimes it’s easier to start by talking to an adult who you respect—such as a teacher, religious leader, or counselor—who has a little more distance from the situation and won’t find it as difficult to be objective.

Tips for talking about self-harm

Focus on your feelings. Instead of sharing detailed accounts of your self-harm behavior focus on the feelings or situations that lead to it. This can help the person you’re confiding in better understand where you’re coming from. It also helps to let the person know why you’re telling them. Do you want help or advice from them? Do you simply want another person to know so you can let go of the secret?

Communicate in whatever way you feel most comfortable. If you’re too nervous to talk in person, consider starting off the conversation with an email or letter (although it’s important to eventually follow-up with a face-to-face conversation). Don’t feel pressured into sharing things you’re not ready to talk about. You don’t have to show the person your injuries or answer any questions you don’t feel comfortable answering.  

Give the person time to process what you tell them. As difficult as it is for you to open up, it may also be difficult for the person you tell—especially if it’s a close friend or family member. Sometimes, you may not like the way the person reacts. Try to remember that reactions such as shock, anger, and fear come out of concern for you. It may help to print out this article for the people you choose to tell. The better they understand self-harm, the better able they’ll be to support you.

Talking about self-harm can be very stressful and bring up a lot of emotions. Don’t be discouraged if the situation feels worse for a short time right after sharing your secret. It’s uncomfortable to confront and change long-standing habits. But once you get past these initial challenges, you’ll start to feel better.

Need help for self-harm?

If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm. For helplines in other countries, see Resources and References below.

In the middle of a crisis?

If you’re feeling suicidal and need help right now, read Suicide Help or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. at (800) 273-8255. For a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit Befrienders Worldwide.

Figure out why you cut or self-harm

Understanding why you cut or self-harm is a vital first step toward your recovery. If you can figure out what function your self-injury serves, you can learn other ways to get those needs met—which in turn can reduce your desire to hurt yourself.

Identify your self-harm triggers

Remember, self-harm is most often a way of dealing with emotional pain. What feelings make you want to cut or hurt yourself? Sadness? Anger? Shame? Loneliness? Guilt? Emptiness?

Once you learn to recognize the feelings that trigger your need to self-injure, you can start developing healthier alternatives.

Get in touch with your feelings

If you’re having a hard time pinpointing the feelings that trigger your urge to cut, you may need to work on your emotional awareness. Emotional awareness means knowing what you are feeling and why. It’s the ability to identify and express what you are feeling from moment to moment and to understand the connection between your feelings and your actions. Feelings are important pieces of information that our bodies give to us, but they do not have to result in actions like cutting or other self-harming.

The idea of paying attention to your feelings—rather than numbing them or releasing them through self-harm—may sound frightening to you. You may be afraid that you’ll get overwhelmed or be stuck with the pain. But the truth is that emotions quickly come and go if you let them. If you don’t try to fight, judge, or beat yourself up over the feeling, you’ll find that it soon fades, replaced by another emotion. It’s only when you obsess over the feeling that it persists.

Find new coping techniques

Self-harm is your way of dealing with feelings and difficult situations. So if you’re going to stop, you need to have alternative ways of coping in place so you can respond differently when you start to feel like cutting or hurting yourself.

If you self-harm to express pain and intense emotions

Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint

Start a journal in which to express your feelings

Compose a poem or song to say what you feel

Write down any negative feelings and then rip the paper up

Listen to music that expresses what you’re feeling

To calm and soothe yourself

Take a bath or hot shower

Pet or cuddle with a dog or cat

Wrap yourself in a warm blanket

Massage your neck, hands, and feet

Listen to calming music

Because you feel disconnected and numb

Call a friend (you don’t have to talk about self-harm)

Take a cold shower

Hold an ice cube in the crook of your arm or leg

Chew something with a very strong taste, like chili peppers, peppermint, or a grapefruit peel

Go online to a self-help website, chat room, or message board

To release tension or vent anger

Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag

Punch a cushion or mattress or scream into your pillow

Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay

Rip something up (sheets of paper, a magazine)

Make some noise (play an instrument, bang on pots and pans)

Substitutes for the cutting sensation

Use a red felt tip pen to mark where you might usually cut

Rub ice across your skin where you might usually cut

Put rubber bands on wrists, arms, or legs, and snap them instead of cutting or hitting

Source: The Mental Health Foundation, UK

Professional treatment for cutting and self-harm

You may also need the help and support of a trained professional as you work to overcome the self-harm habit, so consider talking to a therapist. A therapist can help you develop new coping techniques and strategies to stop self-harming, while also helping you get to the root of why you cut or hurt yourself.

Remember, self-harm doesn’t occur in a vacuum. It exists in real life. It’s an outward expression of inner pain—pain that often has its roots in early life. There is often a connection between self-harm and childhood trauma.

Self-harm may be your way of coping with feelings related to past abuse, flashbacks, negative feelings about your body, or other traumatic memories. This may be the case even if you’re not consciously aware of the connection.

Finding the right therapist

Finding the right therapist may take some time. It’s very important that the therapist you choose has experience treating both trauma and self-injury. But the quality of the relationship with your therapist is equally important. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe, respected, or understood, find another therapist.

There should be a sense of trust and warmth between you and your therapist. This therapist should be someone who accepts self-harm without condoning it, and who is willing to help you work toward stopping it at your own pace. You should feel at ease with him or her, even while talking through your most personal issues.

Helping a friend or family member who self-harms

Perhaps you’ve noticed suspicious injuries on someone close to you, or that person has admitted to you that he or she is cutting. Whatever the case may be, you may be feeling unsure of yourself. What should you say? How can you help?

Deal with your own feelings. You may feel shocked, confused, or even disgusted by self-harming behaviors—and guilty about admitting these feelings. Acknowledging your feelings is an important first step toward helping your loved one.

Learn about the problem. The best way to overcome any discomfort or distaste you feel about self-harm is by learning about it. Understanding why your friend or family member is self-injuring can help you see the world from his or her eyes.

Don’t judge. Avoid judgmental comments and criticism—they’ll only make things worse. The first two tips will go a long way in helping you with this. Remember, the self-harming person already feels ashamed and alone.

Offer support, not ultimatums. It’s only natural to want to help, but threats, punishments, and ultimatums are counterproductive. Express your concern and let the person know that you’re available whenever he or she wants to talk or needs support.

Encourage communication. Encourage your loved one to express whatever he or she is feeling, even if it’s something you might be uncomfortable with. If the person hasn’t told you about the self-harm, bring up the subject in a caring, non-confrontational way: “I’ve noticed injuries on your body, and I want to understand what you’re going through.”

If the self-harmer is a family member, prepare yourself to address difficulties in the family. This is not about blame, but rather about learning ways of dealing with problems and communicating better that can help the whole family.

Related HelpGuide articles

Coping with Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Dealing with Recent or Childhood Trauma So You Can Move On

Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal: Getting the Most out of Therapy and Counseling

Quick Stress Relief: Using Your Senses to Relieve Stress On the Spot

Resources and references

General information about cutting and self-harm

Cutting – Article written for teens explains what cutting is, why people do it, how it starts, and where to go for help. (Nemours Foundation)

About Self-Harm: Why You Self-Harm and How to Seek Help – Get the facts about cutting and self-injury. Learn what purpose it serves and how you can overcome it. (Mind)

Self-Harm – Introduction to self-harm, including what makes people do it, danger signs, treatment, and things you can do to help yourself. (Royal College of Psychiatrists)

Self-help

How Can I Stop Cutting? – Offers strategies for resisting the urge to cut by planning ahead, distracting yourself, and finding other ways to express your feelings. (Nemours Foundation)

Reducing and Stopping Self-Harm – Explore the reasons you want to stop injuring yourself, examine the reasons behind your behavior, and learn how to stop, as well as deal with slip-ups. (Scar Tissue)

Coping Skills – Learn the coping skills that worked for one former self-injurer. Includes coping skills for staying in the present, for general wellness, and for replacing cutting. (Psyke.org)

Helpline and treatment referrals

Mind Infoline – Information on self-harm and a helpline to call in the UK at 0300 123 3393 or text 86463. (Mind)

Kids Help Phone – A helpline for kids and teens in Canada to call for help with any issue, including cutting and self-injury. Call 1-800-668-6868. (Kids Help Phone)

Kids Helpline – A helpline for kids and young adults in Australia to get help with issues including cutting and self-harm. Call 1800 55 1800. (Kids Helpline)

Helping a friend or family member

How Can I Help a Friend Who Cuts? – A guide for teens who are concerned about a friend who they learn is self-harming (Nemours Foundation)

Guidance for others – Series of downloadable factsheets with tips on how friends and family members can help someone who cuts or self-harms. (LifeSigns)

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm

A Poem About Pain…

​When it hurts, i want to run

But there’s nowhere to go.

So i’d take the blade up to my skin…

And cut it nice and slow.
Now that i have finally learned 

How to be just who i am,

The blood no longer flows 

Like water thru a broken dam
He taught me how to stand up

Brave and tall, i always stand my ground

He did this because there will be a time

When He is not around.
He told me that i must not break

I am too strong, the mighty Cat

He showed me that i can survive

Without hurting myself like that.
If pain is needed, HE gives it out

As it is His cross to bear

For once He’s gone, i need to know

In my heart, our blood, He’s there…
~Beautifully Broken~

Micro-needles 

​I ordered two sets of Micro-needles from Wish.  Micro-needles are the needles that penetrate the skin on the face and body during elective microdermabrasion treatments to decrease the appearance of scars, stretch marks, cellulite and to stimulate hair growth.  One set has 9 needles and the other has 36.  They are very, very tiny…much smaller than I thought they’d be, really…but to my surprise and delight, they’re actually very sharp and rather painful.  They draw much more blood than a lancet, which is all relative, since the lancets produced no blood at all on neither me nor my partner.  I really love when Daddy and I find amazing kinky uses for non-kinky products! 

*As with any item that breaks the skin and has contact with body fluids, personal responsibility to health and safety standards of that particular item, as well as operation under informed consent, are both vital to a safe and healthy BDSM experience with Micro-needles.  

What are your thoughts on using Micro-needles as BDSM pervertables?

~Beautifully Broken~

DIY BDSM Project: Sensory Play Leather Tacked Vampire Gloves

​You don’t need to be a millionaire to have your own amazing room filled with BDSM equipment!!  Make some yourself!!

Sensory Play Leather Tacked Vampire Gloves…

Yes, Soft Limit or Hard Limit?  Check out this post before the name scares you away!  😉

These tacked leather gloves can be used for several types of scenes and BDSM-related activities, such as sensory play, impact play and even blood play.  They are very simple props and they’re highly effective at achieving any of the desired effects, depending upon the personal preferences of the parties involved.

They’re a very simple and fairly inexpensive DIY project for even the most un-handy of kinksters (pun totally intended!!).  All you will need to create these gloves are: 

1.  a pair of leather gloves

2.  a box of thumb tacks

3.  hot glue and/or fabric glue

4.  a wooden or plastic dowel.  

That’s it!  You can have your own pair of amazing BDSM gloves in just a few simple steps:

1.  Turn the gloves inside out, using the dowel to fully turn the fingertips.  

2.  Press the thumb tacks through the fabric, with the pointed end poking through the leather, away from the wearer’s skin and toward the reciever.  

3.  Once you have the desired amount of thumb tacks pressed through in the patterns you desire, glue them all down on to the fabric part on the inside of the glove.  

4.  Allow the glue to dry.  

5.  When the glue is completely dried, you can use the dowel again to push the fingertips completely back right side out so you don’t scratch or poke yourself.  Unless, of course, you’re into that kinda thing…  😉

Definitely one of the easiest DIY BDSM toys/props I’ve come across so far, hands down!  (I’m so punny!)

Would you like to experiment with these sensory play leather gloves?  Would you be able to make a pair (or two!) for you and your partner(s)?  How would you like to use these gloves in a scene…? For sensory play, impact play, blood play?  What’s your opinion?

~Beautifully Broken~

Menstrual Blood Play and Menstrual Blood Worship 

*Originally written and posted on Facebook on May 2, 2016.

Many people believe that menstrual blood play and menstrual worship are strictly for Dommes and male submissives…but in my dynamic we throughly disagree.  Menophilia is not only a favorite kink of ours but it is also extremely sacred to us and it is an important aspect of our dynamic for many reasons.

Menstrual blood play can include many activities within our dynamic.  We engage in all types of sexual activities and practices when I’m menstruating and we look forward to this time of the month with great anticipation.  Painting one another with my blood, ruining clothing and bedding with my blood, drinking my blood as well as collecting my blood in vials to be worn or stored for Pagan rituals are other key aspects.

Menstrual worship, for us, is all about honoring the sacred feminine and acknowledging the power of creation.  My Dom will care for me in several ways, including making sure any pain is managed, keeping me in hot tea before I even ask as well as telling and showing me how desirable I am to Him, especially when I’m bleeding.  Later this morning, He will collect my menstrual blood in a vial and divide it up, some to be used in an upcoming moonlight Pagan ritual in which we will participate and some to be stored in a pendant vial which He will wear on a chain around His neck.

Everyone has very personal and distinctive feelings regarding menstrual blood play and what is a turn on for some is distasteful to others and that’s perfectly fine.  How do you feel about menstrual blood play and worship?  Are they acts you engage in within your dynamic?  If so, what aspects of this type of play are important to you and your partner(s)?

~Beautifully Broken~

Spicing in BDSM and Paganism 

Spicing a lover’s food and drinks with your bodily fluids is a ritual that is as old as time.  The intentions behind the act are both powerful and binding.  Rituals are found in both BDSM and Paganism and i feel most like myself when i am actively practicing both with my Daddy Dom.  My fascination with body fluid exchange and our shared fetish for blood plays naturally into my passion for such rituals within our dynamic.

Daddy and I have used His semen, both of our blood and my menstrual blood in our rituals.  All of our shared ritualized behaviors are rooted in both BDSM and Paganism because those intentions behind the behaviors come from inside the deepest parts of U/us, where BDSM and spirituality reside.

Daddy has always held a lovely obsession with my menstrual blood.  Even when we were long distance, his hunger for a token of my monthly blood was clearly evident.  The first gift I ever sent Him was a small, sealed vial of menstrual blood.  I sent Him another about a year later.  When He moved from California to Connecticut with us, He performed a binding ritual, pouring both vials of my gifted menstrual blood into the Earth, binding our relationship into the ground upon which we stood as we made the vows of The Rite of Handfasting in May of 2015.

We made a set of blood vial pendants which are set upon chains shortly after Daddy moved in last March.  Daddy wears His a lot, usually on a chain with the key to my formal event collar.  He is a Sanguinarian.  He drinks my blood and finds the act sacred.  Taking my blood into His body is the ultimate act of Dominance and my allowances to do so are the ultimate display of submission within our dynamic…and my pendant is a reminder to Him.  Daddy’s blood is off limits to me so His carefully made vial is a treasured token of love and trust, something that He has shared with me alone.

Daddy and I are sexually monogamous, emotionally monogamous and fluid bonded.  Even if we do ever play with others, the exchange of body fluids will be restricted both for safety as well as personal morality preference.  Such restrictions are solely dependant on individual basis and negotiating is a must when fleshing out such scenes.  We believe in the sanctity of our ritualized behaviors and that’s not something that everyone just gets to experience when we play with others.

Daddy and I are very eager to begin using His semen in such ritualized manners.  Freezing it into “cum cubes” and adding the frozen cubes into my drinks is especially attractive to us…but living in my mother’s home at the moment while we are getting on our feet, that’s just not possible.  I can only imagine her face if I were to tell her not to touch the cubes in the blue tray…  For now, I am satisfied by licking His love off of my lips and breasts after a session, as semen does not keep long at all and is only usable if it is used fresh from the source or frozen immediately.

Dipping a lollypop into oneself after a session is a sweet and sexy way to taste both you and your partner together.  Just be sure to wash well afterwards if you engage in such acts with food as sugars and starches inside the vagina can cause serious infections brought on by an overgrowth of bacteria 

~Beautifully Broken~

A Sanguinarian, Blade Play and Blood Play Scene

Daddy and I are a part of the Sanguinarian lifestyle, which means we participate in the acts of feeding and donating blood during scenes and sex.  Daddy always feeds, I always donate.  He is called a ‘Sang’ and I am called a ‘swan’.  I always cut myself to get the blood He so badly craves.  He has yet to lift a blade against me.  We are both okay with that.  We both know each other’s limits as far as blade play and blood play.

Last night, He lit the candles and dimmed the lights in our bedroom.  I gathered the blade, the disinfectant, the bandages and the bandages and laid them out before us on the shelf.  He sat down on the bed as I stood before Him, holding the blade.  He took the blade from my hand, looked up at me and asked if I was ready.  I looked at Him quizically and asked, “Are You?”.  His hesitation to answer my question told me that no, indeed He was not..and that was perfectly okay.  Negotiating a scene, especially an emotionally and/or sexually charged scene, should never take place during a scene, but rather before, when everyone is still level headed and reasonable.

I took the blade from my Lover’s hand and made a thin scratch on my forearm.  He took my hand, lifted my arm to His lips and licked the thin stream of blood from the wound.  He began grabbing and squeezing the scratch, pressing a bit more blood to the surface and savored the coppery taste.  When He had drank all the small scratch would yield, He released my arm and I picked up the blade again.  I made two slightly deeper cuts on my upper thigh and Daddy waited with His breath drawn in for the shallow cuts to begin to show red.  The blood began to pool in little droplets at the surface as He closed His eyes and lowered His mouth to the wounds.  Growling in His throat, He licked and sucked at my blood, hungry and excited for more.

The endorphins had just began to kick in for me, the pain of the shallow cuts exacerbated by His suckling and needing at the wounds.  Subspace was close…the pain was pulling me slowly into a hazy, darkened fog…my body began to shake and spasm involuntarily.  Daddy growled again and pulled my thigh to Him,  hard and rough…the way He enjoys feeding the most.

When He had taken all the blood the shallow cuts would allow, He released my thigh and directed me to start cleaning the cuts and scratches.  He was breathing deeply…but He was not yet satisfyed.  He had just told me to clean my wounds, signaling that part of the scene was finished.  I felt like I had failed Him.  I knew He was dissatisfied with the level out output, yet He had ended the scene.

“Let me cut deeper for You,” I asked, my eyes rimmed with tears.

“I never said you had to cut so shallow,” He responded.

I took up the blade for the third time.  I made three deep cuts on my thigh, one next to the other, just below the other two He had just bleed dry.  These cuts were deep.  Not deep enough to require stitches (which is a hard limit at the present time) but deep enough for the blood droplets to pool at the surface of the wounds and drip down my leg, running together and increasing the bloodflow.  He looked at my blood, the rivulets trickling down my thigh, and He grabbed my leg, hard, and began to feed.

Subspace was now fully engulfing me, drawing me slowly into its darkened shadows.  My body was trembling and my head was fuzzy as He licked and sucked at my burning thigh.  He was finally satisfying His burning desires for blood and pain.  My blood.  My pain.  All for Him.  Only for Him.

And now, here I sit, the morning after, typing this passage as a momemto.   My wounds cleaned and still stinging, remembering the passion with which we practiced our scene and the lovemaking that followed.  Cherishing the ease with which He wiped away my fears of inadequacy last night, as easily as He wipes the tears from my eyes…and the blood from my thighs.

~Beautifully Broken~

stock-photo-a-surgeons-scalpel-with-a-blood-covered-blade-set-on-a-white-background-over-a-blood-splatter-35670403

A Free Bleeding Scene

shutterstock_342680309I kneel down on the rug outside of the bathtub and turn the water on. I adjust the temperature and stand up to enter the shower. I quickly shave my entire body of unwanted hair and wash my face. Careful not to wet my pinned up hair, I shift my position and arch my back as i tug the saturated tampon out of my vagina. I pull the shower curtain aside and drop it into the wastebasket. I retrieve the shower wand, immediately putting it to His bloody pussy as I hurriedly wash it clean.

I kneel before the shower head, still mindful of my dry hair, and turn off the water. Kneeling as I turn the water on and off is a ritual Daddy has requested I follow in order to remind myself of my submissive headspace…I cleanse myself of daily stresses and wash His body in preparation of presentation. I pull back the curtain and insert a new Super plus absorbency tampon, even before stepping out of the shower, so I wouldn’t bleed on the bathmat.

Cramping and nauseated, I dress slowly and prepare myself to sit through a child’s birthday party. Daddy sees the discomfort on my face and asks if I have taken Ibuprofen yet. I shake my head ‘no’ and accept them straight from His hand into my mouth. I gulp them down with water and thank Him. Daddy asks if my flow is heavy and I tell Him that it is raging.

“When we come home later tonight, take off your clothes and remove your tampon. Put on a long nightshirt and don’t put on panties”, Daddy says as I continue dressing.

“Yes, Daddy”, I reply.

Daddy thanks me and I put on my silver…stud earrings, dangling earrings, eyebrow piercing jewelry…His Training Collar is already around my neck. He returned it to me on our weekend in New York, July 2-3, 2016.

I attend the party with my family but I become nauseated again after three hours and Daddy tells me to return home. Daddy decides to stay with our boys and gets them changed to go into the pool. He kisses me and tells me to feel better. I thank Him and I begin the short walk home.

I arrive home and go into the bathroom. I remove my tampon and flush it down the toilet. I take off all my clothes and carry them into our bedroom. I select a black long nightshirt from the closet and put it on. I happily begin my free bleeding task.

After the children are in bed, Daddy comes into our bed and lays down for His nightly massage. He breathes deeply as I touch and tease His body, relishing the scent of coppery lust in the air. He growls softly in His throat. His Cock is stiff and rigid as He gently pushes me back on the the pillows…and He begins to feed on the blood dripping from my body, licking and suckling on my swollen clit and lips, confident in the fact that all before Him is unequivocally His.

After He is satisfied and I am shaking, we leave our bed, now damp and perfumed in blood and sex to go to the patio to smoke. Blood and semen are dripping from my thighs and the mixture stains the wooden bench upon which I am seated. When we are finished, we slip back into bed. His love still dripping from me, bloody and slick, as He kisses me goodnight and I snuggle against Him. He is breathing our combined scent deeply, until He is drawn into sleep. I snuggle beside Him and drift off as well, His love still dripping out of His body, carried along all night by the crimson river, which He will taste again before it runs dry.

~Beautifully Broken~