Trigger Warning… Self Harm & Cutting
I got a new punishment yesterday. It was the first time Daddy spanked me as a punishment. I’m a masochist and usually don’t receive punishments having to do with physical pain. It certainly didn’t feel good but it was a great release of tension and emotional pain. I think that was His point. He said if I committed the offense again the number of spankings would be doubled. I couldn’t handle much more than 5 of His hardest spankings…
I usually enjoy them, His spankings, that is…but this was…different. I didn’t hate it but I’m not going to go looking for it. And He was much more tender than He usually is during punishment. Idk, it was weird. Still processing, I suppose…
Here’s a little back story…
I cut two nights ago. I got thrown several big & unexpected curveballs about this car I’m trying to buy and a job opportunity that’s dependant upon said car. He knew I was upset but I guess I didn’t adequately explain my level of…despair, I guess. He sent me to bed early and when I woke at midnight, He was asleep. I got really panicky and tried to wake Him. I suppose I could’ve tried harder…
When He wouldn’t wake up, I started hyperventilating…and I cut. I haven’t cut (to self harm) in almost a year. After I could breath again, I put on some music and sat outside for a few hours. I finally went back to bed at 3. I told Him about the night yesterday morning & He said I should’ve tried harder to wake Him but He understands why I didn’t. He also apologized for not seeing how bad off I was. That last time I cut, a year or so ago, He said if I did it again, I’d receive one hard and unpleasant spanking per cut, in rapid succession. I got 5 in the kitchen while the boys were outside. He had to…but He feels bad. I could guarantee He’d discuss this further that evening…and He did.
After the boys fell asleep on the couch last night, Daddy led me into our bedroom. He got out our scalpel and calmly reminded me that this is HIS body and if any cuttings are to be made, they are HIS to make. He looked me in the eyes as He wiped the lower half of my body down with antiseptic. I began to tremble. He asked if I would remember that. I said yes. He said, “Yes, you sure will” & proceeded to cut and carve all over my hips and ass.
No safe words were going to save me from this lesson so I didn’t even bother. I’m so fucking sore today I can barely move without pain. When He was done, He said “No more of this or next time will be so much worse. Please try me if you don’t believe me”. It was like making your child smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at once when you catch them smoking. I will not forget this lesson.
The only thing that made it not awful was His decision to feed after the punishment and lesson parts were over. There’s nothing in the world as bonding as allowing your Mate to feed from your blood. He made love to me afterwards. Clawing and grabbing at your fresh wounds, making them bleed all over again, He silently reassuring me that everything was fine again…and how deeply I am loved & adored.
When it was all over, He finally allowed me to get off the bed. I slowly got to my feet and Daddy pulled me close to Him for a hug. I rested my head on His chest and just let it all go. All the pain, fear, worry and despair that I had kept from Him, they all came right to the surface but didn’t spill over…until He pulled away just a bit so He could hold out His Pinky to me. I remember wondering why He was shaking.
In our home, the Pinky Swear is the highest code of honor. A promise made with a Pinky cannot be broken without losing a great deal of trust afterwards. He looked at me and said, “No more of this, baby. Please”. I started crying and shaking like I haven’t in years. I slowly reached out my Pinky towards His and tentatively wrapped my tiny finger around His larger one.
I guess I’m finished with cutting as a form of self harm for good…I hope.
4 thoughts on “A Cut Above The Rest”
I don’t know have to say this, but I’ll try. I’m a 15-year-old girl who loves to write, and last week I heard the word BDSM in someone’s conversation. I decided to look it up yesterday and I found something about blood play in the article I was reading. I then looked that up and was frightened because if you take away the sex and stuff, part of my story has blood play in it. Also when I write those bloody scenes, I get a tingling and sort of numbing feeling all over. Do you think this is a sign that I’m some kind of BDSM?
I would like to try to formulate my response now. I mean no criticism, nor to hurt you in any way; these are only my thoughts as a far-away cyber friend, fellow submissive, woman, and former or maybe current self-mutilator (though it does not really show and it’s nowhere near the same degree as cutting.)
First and foremost, it’s not my place to judge what anyone else does as long as you’re not hurting yourselves. You know, the old “your kink’s not my kink, but I’m okay with it.” But, and to me this is the huge elephant in the room – I sort of have a big issue with your Dominant using cutting as a punishment. After all, it’s the thing that gives you relief, lets you breathe, gets you off, shall we say. That’s kind of a big no-no in my eyes. Even if it’s consensual between you two. I too am a masochist and and it takes a lot for my Dom to punish me with a beating, but he manages to do it. But… I find that it messes with my mind. Such that when we have sex now I find that I really can’t come at all the way I used to, because I crave pain instead. But if Sir is going to only use pain as punishment and not during intimacy, well then I really and truly am fucked.
So, you knew you weren’t supposed to cut. You tried to wake him. He wouldn’t wake up. You knew you shoulda tried harder BUT your crafty devilish evil side wanted and craved cutting. I mean that feeling. OMG the release! Is there anything like it? It is an addiction like cocaine after all. And the peacefulness and feeling of calmness which settles upon you is sublime. I get it.
So can I respectfully point out or maybe ask: as bad as his cutting was, isn’t there part of you that enjoyed it? If you are truly honest, didn’t you love when he grabbed those raw wounds and also fed from them? I mean Gods, that is so sensual. So when does the punishment become the ecstasy, and in fact reinforce the addiction?
Sir (in my lowly humble opinion) should have been more creative and veered way off track and either taken away something you loved (for a very long time) or made you do something really detestable. Pain sometimes does not work and in fact is just plain harmful to damaged psyches.
I find myself wondering whether you’ve been pulling your pants down and admiring your scars. Touching them. Caressing the bruises as your Dom might. If you have been… then methinks you are not done with cutting quite yet. What do you really think?
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Wow… just wow. I need time to process all you wrote. This touched me a great deal and I want to think about it but I promise to answer back when I have time. Thinking of you though! Hugs, sister….
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Thank you ❤
This article was met with some criticism on my Facebook page and I would have left the woman’s comment & discussed it with her, had she not resorted to name calling, but she did and I have no time for that.
I will say this tho… The act of cutting ones skin isn’t in and of itself a bad thing. The INTENT behind the cutting is the issue here. I use blood in Pagan rituals and that type of cutting isn’t any where near self harm. Cutting my skin for my partner to feed isn’t any where near self harm. Not in my opinion anyway.
My Dom wasn’t trying to ‘cure’ me by cutting and feeding. He was reminding me that my blood is precious, my body is precious and not to be defiled. I don’t expect others to understand or even agree…but they don’t have to live my life.
I’m not advocating for or against self harm. Who am I to do that? I’m simply sharing my experience. ~BB