Steps to Assist in Proceeding Toward Healthy Relationships After Experiencing Abusive Relationships

When people are subject to abuse and trauma in a relationship, they tend to build walls around themselves to prevent further hurt in similar future situations.  We as humans survive due to the effectiveness of our defense mechanisms.  We have learned to be cautious of certain behaviors and activities because we have been hurt in the past.  That’s a natural and normal reaction to being abused.  

Sometimes, however, those walls become so high that the walls themselves prohibit our growth and healing.  Instead of seeing the walls as appropriate cautionary reminders, we see them as inflexible guidelines by which to live the rest of our lives.  No matter the circumstances, we can fall into the trap of repeating old patterns and behaviors, even if they no longer serve us because at one time they did serve us very well.

So how do we begin to trust again and truly heal from old patterns of abuse and trauma once we find a person who is worthy of a healthy relationship?  These tips are in no particular order and I feel that we as survivors revisit each of these aspects over and over again as we heal and grow in our newfound positive relationships.

Time.  

We need to do is to be worthy of a healthy relationship ourselves.  Now, let me explain.  We’re ALL deserving of healthy and stable relationships but until we’re able to begin to participate in a healthy relationship with another person, we should refrain from embarking upon them.  We need to take the time to deal with our own emotional trauma, to be able to examine our own baggage of guilt and shame and to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so we can start to value ourselves once again.  

Change the tape in your head.  

Sometimes we need to learn how to respond to people without letting our past cloud our view.  It can be difficult to evaluate each relationship for what it is instead of what we fear them to be.  Fear can be healthy…but it can also become crippling if we allow it to be.  Think of all the good things in life you would have missed out on if you had been too afraid to try.

Readjust your radar.  

We need to realize that the fear that once served us is no longer applicable in every situation.  If we’re honestly trying to change our behaviors, we need to realize that other areas of our lives will be influenced by the changes we’re making.  Benefitting from those changes include understanding that the signals we give off to others are changing and as a result, the caliper of people that are attracted to our lives will begin to change as well.

Stop taking everything so personally.  

When we experience hurt, the trauma carries over into every other aspect of our lives.  Our perceptions are clouded by our experiences.  In order to truly begin to heal, we need to realize that just as our reality is tainted by our experiences, so the reality of others is tainted by their experiences as well.  Not everything someone else does or says is always about us…and truthfully, even when it is about us, it’s not our issue to overcome.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

We are only responsible for what we say and how we say it.  We aren’t responsible for what another person hears or how they relate to the information we pass along to them.  In turn, we are responsible for accepting the truth in our relationships and that includes hearing unpleasant aspects of ourselves and adapting our behavior to more appropriate behavior if those aspects are actually rooted in truth.

Give yourself a break.  

In the quest to become the best person we can be after surviving trauma and abuse, we are going to make mistakes.  Probably several mistakes.  Own up to your mistakes when you make them.  Apologize for them.  Try your damnedest not to repeat them.  That’s literally all we can do.

Realize that change, and the happiness that will follow, is possible. 

The only sure thing about human nature is that we are capable of change if we want it bad enough.  We are all deserving of safety, peace and happiness.  Attaining this state takes hard work.  It means analyzing past behavior and making adjustments when necessary.  It means doing the self examination to work through difficult, unpleasant and sometimes even painful emotions.  It means knowing that their IS light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that you’re worthy of happiness.

These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about how to proceed in healthy relationships after experiencing abusive relationships.  These words are what I’ve found to be true along my own personal journey.  

What tips on beginning healthy relationships after traumatic experiences would you add to this list and why would you add them?  I’d REALLY like input from both Dominants and submissives on this post because as much as we discuss all the ways that Dominants help their submissives heal, we’d be remiss to assume that submissives don’t help their Dominants heal as well.  If this topic applies to you…and i think it applies to most…i’d love to hear your opinions and personal experiences on the subject, even if you rarely ever comment.  There’s no right or wrong in healing, after all…

~Beautifully Broken~

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No Safe Word To Save Me

Daddy and I have been kinda tense lately.  We’ve been navigating unchartered waters since He started staying Home with the boys full time after finishing His liver therapy and I finished school and started working again.  It seems that our roles of daily life are in complete opposition to our D/s dynamic roles and sometimes we clash when one of us can’t slip back into those D/s roles so easily.

After a long discussion today and a few tears, I saw Him for who He is again with new eyes.  The Man who loves me, who would kill or die for both me and our boys,  my Daddy, my Sir, my Fiance.  I know He saw me as He did in the past as well because once we were okay again, He bent me over the desk and spanked the fuck outta me before the kids arrived Home from school.

This wasn’t the ‘sexy’ spanking to which I have become accustomed.  It wasn’t play and it wasn’t punishment.  Actually, for the very first time in our relationship, it wasn’t for me at all.  This session was all His.  It was a release of rage and anxiety.  It was a reclaiming of what is His, even if only in His own heart and mind.  It was a test of my endurance and obedience to His will above my own.  He knows me better than I know myself and He can read me like a book.  The way I go on my tip toes when the pain makes me anxious.  The way I whimper when I am close to breaking.  The way I just sob when I feel helpless.  He saw it all…and I know it turned Him on as He smacked my ass over and over until I wanted to scream with no breaks in between to caress my stinging flesh.  I wanted to pull away.  I wanted to put my hands out to shield my skin.  I wanted to stop Him…but i didn’t…because this wasn’t about me.  

Instead, I just allowed the pain to swallow me.  I forced myself to feel the pain in my muscles as hard as I had been ignoring the pain in my heart.  I just let myself feel, I let myself cry.  I actually told myself that I would not die from this and that it would eventually end.  I needed to show Him that I could and would take whatever He needed to give, the same way He takes everything the boys and I have ever needed to give.  It was the most subservient I have felt in months, despite everything else I have gladly done for Him, this was the most important.  No decisions to make, no safe words with which to escape, no place to hide from the pain.  All I could do was be present and submit.  My rewards were the tears that flowed free and hot on my face…and feeling Him excited against me as He licked them from my cheeks.  Such a small act with such profound meaning.

~Beautifully Broken~

A Cut Above The Rest

Trigger Warning…  Self Harm & Cutting

​I got a new punishment yesterday.  It was the first time Daddy spanked me as a punishment.  I’m a masochist and usually don’t receive punishments having to do with physical pain.  It certainly didn’t feel good but it was a great release of tension and emotional pain.  I think that was His point.  He said if I committed the offense again the number of spankings would be doubled.  I couldn’t handle much more than 5 of His hardest spankings…

I usually enjoy them, His spankings, that is…but this was…different.  I didn’t hate it but I’m not going to go looking for it.  And He was much more tender than He usually is during punishment.  Idk, it was weird.  Still processing, I suppose…
Here’s a little back story…

I cut two nights ago.  I got thrown several big & unexpected curveballs about this car I’m trying to buy and a job opportunity that’s dependant upon said car.  He knew I was upset but I guess I didn’t adequately explain my level of…despair, I guess.  He sent me to bed early and when I woke at midnight, He was asleep.  I got really panicky and tried to wake Him.  I suppose I could’ve tried harder… 

When He wouldn’t wake up, I started hyperventilating…and I cut.  I haven’t cut (to self harm) in almost a year.  After I could breath again, I put on some music and sat outside for a few hours.  I finally went back to bed at 3.  I told Him about the night yesterday morning & He said I should’ve tried harder to wake Him but He understands why I didn’t.  He also apologized for not seeing how bad off I was.  That last time I cut, a year or so ago, He said if I did it again, I’d receive one hard and unpleasant spanking per cut, in rapid succession.  I got 5 in the kitchen while the boys were outside.  He had to…but He feels bad.  I could guarantee He’d discuss this further that evening…and He did.

After the boys fell asleep on the couch last night, Daddy led me into our bedroom.  He got out our scalpel and calmly reminded me that this is HIS body and if any cuttings are to be made, they are HIS to make.  He looked me in the eyes as He wiped the lower half of my body down with antiseptic.  I began to tremble.  He asked if I would remember that.  I said yes.  He said, “Yes, you sure will” & proceeded to cut and carve all over my hips and ass.  

No safe words were going to save me from this lesson so I didn’t even bother.  I’m so fucking sore today I can barely move without pain.  When He was done, He said “No more of this or next time will be so much worse.  Please try me if you don’t believe me”.  It was like making your child smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at once when you catch them smoking.  I will not forget this lesson.
The only thing that made it not awful was His decision to feed after the punishment and lesson parts were over.  There’s nothing in the world as bonding as allowing your Mate to feed from your blood.  He made love to me afterwards.  Clawing and grabbing at your fresh wounds, making them bleed all over again, He silently reassuring me that everything was fine again…and how deeply I am loved & adored.

When it was all over, He finally allowed me to get off the bed.  I slowly got to my feet and Daddy pulled me close to Him for a hug.  I rested my head on His chest and just let it all go.  All the pain, fear, worry and despair that I had kept from Him, they all came right to the surface but didn’t spill over…until He pulled away just a bit so He could hold out His Pinky to me.  I remember wondering why He was shaking.  

He wasn’t.  

I was.

In our home, the Pinky Swear is the highest code of honor.  A promise made with a Pinky cannot be broken without losing a great deal of trust afterwards.  He looked at me and said, “No more of this, baby.  Please”.  I started crying and shaking like I haven’t in years.  I slowly reached out my Pinky towards His and tentatively wrapped my tiny finger around His larger one.  

I guess I’m finished with cutting as a form of self harm for good…I hope.

~Beautifully Broken~

​5 Oral Sex Tips to Enhance Your Intimacy

No matter your power exchange dynamic or your sexual preferences, both giving and receiving oral sex is a great way to create both a deeper sense of intimacy and a more pleasurable sexual experience within your relationship.  Some people feel that when it comes to BDSM, the dominant in a relationship dynamic, no matter the gender, should not perform oral sex, but rather only receive it, because to perform it would be acting against their dominant nature and create a show of ‘weakness’ to their submissive partner.  

Whatever two or more people agree upon within their power exchange or BDSM-related scenes is totally up to them, however to just totally dismiss any action or sensation simply because of a prejudice or discrimination is really selling yourself and your intimate experiences short.  Sometimes all you need is a little practice and an open mind to find a new joy in an experience that you were ready to write off.  These 5 simple tips can help you give & receive incredible oral sex!

1.  Take Your Time

Like anything else, becoming skilled at oral pleasure takes time.  Rushing to the finale (the big O) is perfectly fine some of the time.  However constantly skipping the foreplay means missing out on the wide range of emotions and sensations that accompany the process of oral sex.  Take your time, go slowly…even drag out the experience for a while, I promise you the end result will be so much better for it.

2.  Ask Questions & Listen to the Answers

I don’t think I know anyone who was spectacular at giving (or even receiving) oral sex the first time out of the gate.  That’s why taking your time as described in Tip #1 is so important.  Get to know your partner’s likes and dislikes through their vocalizations and body language.  Pay attention and you’ll learn a lot.  However, you’ll learn even more by simply asking what your partner likes and dislikes.  Don’t be afraid to discuss what turns you both off and what turns you both off.  Open and honest communication is key in so many areas of your relationship. 

3.  Maintain Eye Contact 

Most men are visual creatures while most females are emotional creatures.  Maintaining eye contact during oral sex, whether giving or receiving, is essential to creating intimacy because it involves both visual and emotional feedback between partners.  Looking into your partner’s eyes can help build trust, passion and foster a greater desire of more intimacy.  It’s a wonderful cycle in which to get caught up!

4.  Use Your Hands 

We all know that the use of lips and tongues are very important aspects of oral sex but don’t forget about hands.  Letting your hands explore in addition to using your lips and tongue will certainly boost the intimacy!

5.  Don’t Forget All The Erogenous Zones

Just as hands are as important as lips and tongues when performing oral sex, don’t forget to include all the other areas of the body that give and receive pleasure when engaging in oral sex.  Oral sex is so much more than just clits & dicks.  Have fun exploring…and licking and sucking…and all that other good stuff! 

~Beautifully Broken~

Incognito BDSM 

When we think ‘BDSM’ so many people, kinky and ‘nilla wafer’ alike, conjure up this ultra sexual imagery, consisting of a dungeon full of whips, chains and a gorgeous female submissive being roughly used by a smoking hot male Dominant.   Sure, that scenario is valid enough but it certainly isn’t the end all, be all of BDSM.

As you probably already know, the acronym BDSM stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism”.   There is no outward mention of sex because BDSM doesnt have to include any type of sex at all.  That’s strictly up to the consenting parties.  Also, being sexual and having sex are two completely different things…both great…but still very different.

In today’s world, we have so many responsibilities and obligations that demand our time.  Jobs, careers, school, children, families, aging parents, partners, volunteer work, household chores, the ever elusive “me time”…they all demand to be satisfied or our lives just don’t function as they should.  So how do we fit BDSM-related topics and activities into our day…especially when our days are so full and being watched like hawks by all our non-approving vanilla social counterparts?

Making time for BDSM isn’t always easy but I promise you it is do-able!!  All you need is a little creativity and flexibility!!

1  Schedule Scenes and Sex

Ok, admittedly, scheduled scenes and sex don’t win you any spontaneity points in your relationships dynamic but hey, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  If you’re thinking scheduled scenes and sex aren’t very exciting, think of it this way.  You know what’s really not exciting?  Having no scenes or sex!!  If you have to wake up early to have a quickie in the shower before the rest of your clan wakes for the day, do it!  If you have to arrange childcare weeks in advance so you and your partner can scene in a motel room over the weekend, do it!!  Whatever you have to do to make that all prized alone time, DO IT!!!  Trust me, it’s worth it. 

2.  Force Yourselves to Stick to Your Schedules

Ok, so you go to the trouble of arranging a weekend getaway with your partner, finding a sitter, taking care of every little detail so your absence won’t be too dramatic for everyone to bear and when the night finally comes, one or both of you really aren’t in the mood.  I will tell you right now…PUSH PAST THAT SHIT AND TAKE YOUR EVENING AWAY TOGETHER!!  Even if you had the worse day at work in history, leave it at the office.  Even if your mate has at terrible headache, pack the whole bottle of ibuprofen and head out the door.  Even if you don’t end up scening or having sex, just being alone together is enough.  Who knows where the evening might lead once you’ve both started to unwind a little bit!

3.  Keep Your Options Open

One of the fastest ways to set yourself up for disappointment is to cling too tightly to a rigid plan.  By remaining flexible, you’re better able to roll with the punches and navigate all the little obstacles life is always throwing at us.  As a Dominant,  you should have a plan for your scenes but don’t forget to allow for script changes and rewrites.  There’s that chance to be spontaneous we were talking about earlier!  Take charge and dominate!!  As a submissive, you shouldn’t be worried about a plan anyway…your Dominant has you covered…so just relax and submit.

4.  Maintain Your Mindset

Ok, so you say you’re having a difficult time just relaxing and submitting or taking charge and dominating, huh?  It happens, especially if you’re out of practice or if you  only think of D/s or M/s in terms of scenes and/or sex.  Well, they are so much more!!  The scenes and sex aren’t really just the icing on the cake.  Make the effort to get into and maintain your shared power exchange mindset every day, not just when you’re about to play.

5.  Reinforce Your Power Exchange Daily

There are so many little ways to keep your power exchange in the forefront of your mind, even with children, families and the rest of society watching all the time.  One of the biggest lessons my Daddy Dom was able to impart to me during our 2.5 years in a long distance relationship  (LDR) was that everything I did, no matter how small or or how grand, was in fact, done in service to Him.  Mind you, we were 3,000 miles away from one another ant this time, with 2 or 3 week visits only taking place every 3 – 5 months.  He was excellent at showing me a new way to look at our dynamic so I could see all the ways in which I was of service when I was feeling like a rather displaced and completely obsolete submissive.  Setting little tasks for your partner to complete is essential in maintaining your shared mindset…just as completing those tasks will reinforce your power exchange.  Ordering the use of an anal plug has certainly assisted many high powered submissives with remembering to whom they belong.  Sometimes we all need a reminder as life is trying to get in the way.  Once you’re at the point where just a single look from your D-type can make your melt (or make you freeze, depending upon the reason for the look), you two are definitely in synch…and THAT is always a precursor to a VERY good time!!

I would like to conclude this article on Incognito BDSM by asking you all to comment below some tips or tricks you have incorporated into your dynamic or would like to incorporate into your dynamic to help you and your partner practice BDSM in front of the whole big nilla wafer world without any of them being any the wiser.  What works for you may also help someoneelse who is struggling to maintain their dynamic so please don’t hesitate to comment and keep the discussion going…

~Beautifully Broken~

Where’d My Little Go…?

Submission isn’t supposed to be weak.  We don’t submit because we are frail & have no other choice but to have Another rule our daily life.  In fact, the choice to submit must be our own if it is to be meaningful at all.  Respect cannot be insitsted upon, nor can domination be demanded, neither aggressively nor passively.  Submission must be a choice.

When i was very new to the Lifestyle, 15 or so years ago, i had the dicotomy all wrong.  I bought into the falicy that i was supposed to be this shrinking violet, a fragile waif of a girl who should be thankful that a big, strong, capable man was offering to make all my sexual fantasies come true.  It was laughable…especially since i was then & always have been a very dominating personality in most of my interpersonal relationships.  I am a natural leader, a caregiver and a go-to gal.  I didn’t think that boded well for a submissive so i played those aspects of my personality waaaaay down for many years.

Now, i understand that any D-type with which i would want a deep relationship would not want a little lost girl as His s-type.  Brian has said time & time again that He doesn’t want a Stepford sub, someone incapable of leading herself.  

It is because of my strength that He is honored to dominate me.  He knows how vulnerable i am when i allow myself to be dominated, how much of my will i sacrifice for His on a daily basis & just what it means to me to relinquish that control.  He wouldn’t have anything to control if i had nothing to offer Him.  Other D-types may feel differently, but their feelings are of no consequence to me.

So, establishing that s-types are strong and capable, what happens when we don’t feel so strong…or when we don’t want to be strong??

I have heard s-types who identify as littles say it is abuse when their D-type tells them to be an adult.  I don’t feel that way, but i can understand their reasoning.  It’s very hard to accept being told to silence an aspect of yourself.  It’s even harder to have the topic ignored entirely.  

Sometimes tho, there is no time or place to be little in daily life.  Sometimes our D-types cannot be that safe, warm place in which we can hide or frolic…and that reality is a harsh one.  It can be difficult to let your little back out after so long adulting.  Vulnerability of that magnitude cannot be forced or dialed up on command.

So my question is this…  

What do you do in your dynamic when your Daddy isn’t Daddying and your submissive little is adulting?  How do you find that balance between work (service) & play (being little)?

~Beautifully Broken~

The 2 Hour Rule

Last year, i learned a wonderful lesson about self control, self awareness and personal responsibility.  A very wise Dom friend taught it to a very powerful sub friend and she passed it on to me.  It is called The Two Hour Rule.

The Two Hour Rule is very simple.  If you are upset, you do NOT post anything about it on social media right away.  Instead, wait two hours and allow yourself to calm down before inviting the world into your drama.  

For one thing, most people don’t really care and for another, the ones that do care only care because it gives them ammunition to use against you.  

If after two hours you still want to post it, wait another two hours.  If after four hours you STILL want to post it, find a trusted friend with whom you can speak in confidence. 

In short, don’t blast yourself, your friends, family and dynamic all over the internet.

The 2 Hour Rule has been INVALUABLE to me as i am learning to become a more self aware and obedient submissive.  What do you think about this rule?  What are your thoughts about airing your personal business on social media in general?

~Beautifully Broken~

Practice & Guidance

Practice and Guidance are the Twin Pillars on which a good submissive is built into a great submissive.  

A sub must practice daily to successfully incorporate submission into everyday life.  Being a 24/7 sub can be much more challenging than a bottom just allowing a Top sexual or physical control.  Giving yourself over to a Dom mentally and emotionally takes serious dedication to the craft.  Submission is an artform…and all arts must be practiced if they are to improve.  

Guidance from a consistent Dominant is necessary as well.  We cannot learn if we are not taught.  We cannot meet expectations if we are unsure as to what they even are.  We cannot grow if we are not corrected and disciplined.

What are some ways that practice and guidance are incorporated into your dynamic? 

~Beautifully Broken~

A Poem About Pain…

​When it hurts, i want to run

But there’s nowhere to go.

So i’d take the blade up to my skin…

And cut it nice and slow.
Now that i have finally learned 

How to be just who i am,

The blood no longer flows 

Like water thru a broken dam
He taught me how to stand up

Brave and tall, i always stand my ground

He did this because there will be a time

When He is not around.
He told me that i must not break

I am too strong, the mighty Cat

He showed me that i can survive

Without hurting myself like that.
If pain is needed, HE gives it out

As it is His cross to bear

For once He’s gone, i need to know

In my heart, our blood, He’s there…
~Beautifully Broken~

The Idea of A Collaring

I’ve read…and posted…a lot of articles about collars.  I’ve posted thousands of photos of collars.  Now, i’m even selling collars.  I think it’s only fair to discuss the meaning behind collars for a minute.  

Most of us know what each level of collar represents within the community as far as the D/s & M/s relationships go…but the personal meaning behind the idea of YOUR collar sometimes gets lost in the translation.  I know many s-types and the idea of the “collar” means something different to every single one.  The idea is so broad and vast that sometimes even the people within a couple don’t even share the same exact ideology about what their collar should and would mean.

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.  The Lifestyle relationship is no exception.  I have personally found that the level of communication and transparency within a relationship dynamic is more evolved that a vanilla relationship, but that’s just me.  Just because the option for comminication is available, though, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy to engage.  

Discussing our feelings honestly opens us up to a huge amount of vulnerability.  That vulnerability can be very scary to face, even with your most trusted of partners.  Learning and engaging in clear and effective communication takes time and it takes honesty.  It also takes a rather thick skin…which many don’t have naturally.  So, honestly discussing what a collar means can be very uncomfortable if both/all parties aren’t on the same page.

I learned long ago that a collar (or a ring, bracelet or tattoo) isn’t the magic pill to a happy relationship.  They cannot be forced and if they are, most times, they have absolutely no emotional value whatsoever.  The monetary value usually isn’t much either, in my experience.  A collar won’t shut someone up about their anxieties and it won’t make them feel more secure if the relationship is of poor quality.  

A collar won’t make that poor quality relationship better…it usually only complicates things.  Especially if you’ve posted all over social media that you were collared Tuesday and abandoned by Sunday.  I’ve seen that in our Lifestyle more times than i can count, unfortunately.  You know in your gut if you should collar or be collared or not.  Sometimes, it’s just not that point of the relationship yet.  Sometimes, it’s not the right relationship at all.

So…what does a collar REALLY mean to you?  What does it signify?  How was it discussed?  What did you have to go thru as a couple/party to get to the place that collaring, at any stage, was right for you?  Have you ever had a bad experience with a collaring?

*GIF credit to DDlgdoodles

~Beautifully Broken~