Daddy and I have been kinda tense lately. We’ve been navigating unchartered waters since He started staying Home with the boys full time after finishing His liver therapy and I finished school and started working again. It seems that our roles of daily life are in complete opposition to our D/s dynamic roles and sometimes we clash when one of us can’t slip back into those D/s roles so easily.
After a long discussion today and a few tears, I saw Him for who He is again with new eyes. The Man who loves me, who would kill or die for both me and our boys, my Daddy, my Sir, my Fiance. I know He saw me as He did in the past as well because once we were okay again, He bent me over the desk and spanked the fuck outta me before the kids arrived Home from school.
This wasn’t the ‘sexy’ spanking to which I have become accustomed. It wasn’t play and it wasn’t punishment. Actually, for the very first time in our relationship, it wasn’t for me at all. This session was all His. It was a release of rage and anxiety. It was a reclaiming of what is His, even if only in His own heart and mind. It was a test of my endurance and obedience to His will above my own. He knows me better than I know myself and He can read me like a book. The way I go on my tip toes when the pain makes me anxious. The way I whimper when I am close to breaking. The way I just sob when I feel helpless. He saw it all…and I know it turned Him on as He smacked my ass over and over until I wanted to scream with no breaks in between to caress my stinging flesh. I wanted to pull away. I wanted to put my hands out to shield my skin. I wanted to stop Him…but i didn’t…because this wasn’t about me.
Instead, I just allowed the pain to swallow me. I forced myself to feel the pain in my muscles as hard as I had been ignoring the pain in my heart. I just let myself feel, I let myself cry. I actually told myself that I would not die from this and that it would eventually end. I needed to show Him that I could and would take whatever He needed to give, the same way He takes everything the boys and I have ever needed to give. It was the most subservient I have felt in months, despite everything else I have gladly done for Him, this was the most important. No decisions to make, no safe words with which to escape, no place to hide from the pain. All I could do was be present and submit. My rewards were the tears that flowed free and hot on my face…and feeling Him excited against me as He licked them from my cheeks. Such a small act with such profound meaning.