No Safe Word To Save Me

Daddy and I have been kinda tense lately.  We’ve been navigating unchartered waters since He started staying Home with the boys full time after finishing His liver therapy and I finished school and started working again.  It seems that our roles of daily life are in complete opposition to our D/s dynamic roles and sometimes we clash when one of us can’t slip back into those D/s roles so easily.

After a long discussion today and a few tears, I saw Him for who He is again with new eyes.  The Man who loves me, who would kill or die for both me and our boys,  my Daddy, my Sir, my Fiance.  I know He saw me as He did in the past as well because once we were okay again, He bent me over the desk and spanked the fuck outta me before the kids arrived Home from school.

This wasn’t the ‘sexy’ spanking to which I have become accustomed.  It wasn’t play and it wasn’t punishment.  Actually, for the very first time in our relationship, it wasn’t for me at all.  This session was all His.  It was a release of rage and anxiety.  It was a reclaiming of what is His, even if only in His own heart and mind.  It was a test of my endurance and obedience to His will above my own.  He knows me better than I know myself and He can read me like a book.  The way I go on my tip toes when the pain makes me anxious.  The way I whimper when I am close to breaking.  The way I just sob when I feel helpless.  He saw it all…and I know it turned Him on as He smacked my ass over and over until I wanted to scream with no breaks in between to caress my stinging flesh.  I wanted to pull away.  I wanted to put my hands out to shield my skin.  I wanted to stop Him…but i didn’t…because this wasn’t about me.  

Instead, I just allowed the pain to swallow me.  I forced myself to feel the pain in my muscles as hard as I had been ignoring the pain in my heart.  I just let myself feel, I let myself cry.  I actually told myself that I would not die from this and that it would eventually end.  I needed to show Him that I could and would take whatever He needed to give, the same way He takes everything the boys and I have ever needed to give.  It was the most subservient I have felt in months, despite everything else I have gladly done for Him, this was the most important.  No decisions to make, no safe words with which to escape, no place to hide from the pain.  All I could do was be present and submit.  My rewards were the tears that flowed free and hot on my face…and feeling Him excited against me as He licked them from my cheeks.  Such a small act with such profound meaning.

~Beautifully Broken~

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Worst.  Week.  Ever!

I had a fucking terrible week.  

The job search has entered the interview phase and I’m so exhausted.  I just want a full time job with benefits or enough part time work to be able to pay for healthcare benefits myself.  I’ve been waiting all week on something really big to go thru and now it has been delayed.  The other big thing may already be out of my grasp.  

I have to get back to the job search on Monday but for tonight, I’m just done.  I am so fucking done.  I got a letter from my job informing me that as soon as I am making more money, I will have my wages garnished because of non-payment of a bill that was in my name that my ex said he paid 6 years ago.  He never paid it.  Like I have an extra $750.00 just laying around.  Sure.

The cubs are with my ex and Daddy and I are alone (mostly) all weekend.  All I HAVE to do this weekend is bake a mountain of cupcakes for my youngest’s 7th birthday, which just happens to fall on Mother’s Day this year.  Daddy will take care of the breakfasts, lunches, snacks and orgasms all weekend.  I can nap whenever I want.  All I have to do is get out of my funk and enjoy our weekend together without backsliding into any bad old habits.  I will always be an addict and when I don’t use, I want to shop.  So, recognizing that behavior, I am not shopping.  I’ll just pray that other people are shopping and dump their paychecks at my store lol.

Knowing I have a wonderful Dom who would move mountains for me if I just asked Him to…I still cannot let go of this mood.  Oh well.  I will keep trying.

Hey, nobody’s perfect.

Have a great weekend, everyone…  xo

​5 Oral Sex Tips to Enhance Your Intimacy

No matter your power exchange dynamic or your sexual preferences, both giving and receiving oral sex is a great way to create both a deeper sense of intimacy and a more pleasurable sexual experience within your relationship.  Some people feel that when it comes to BDSM, the dominant in a relationship dynamic, no matter the gender, should not perform oral sex, but rather only receive it, because to perform it would be acting against their dominant nature and create a show of ‘weakness’ to their submissive partner.  

Whatever two or more people agree upon within their power exchange or BDSM-related scenes is totally up to them, however to just totally dismiss any action or sensation simply because of a prejudice or discrimination is really selling yourself and your intimate experiences short.  Sometimes all you need is a little practice and an open mind to find a new joy in an experience that you were ready to write off.  These 5 simple tips can help you give & receive incredible oral sex!

1.  Take Your Time

Like anything else, becoming skilled at oral pleasure takes time.  Rushing to the finale (the big O) is perfectly fine some of the time.  However constantly skipping the foreplay means missing out on the wide range of emotions and sensations that accompany the process of oral sex.  Take your time, go slowly…even drag out the experience for a while, I promise you the end result will be so much better for it.

2.  Ask Questions & Listen to the Answers

I don’t think I know anyone who was spectacular at giving (or even receiving) oral sex the first time out of the gate.  That’s why taking your time as described in Tip #1 is so important.  Get to know your partner’s likes and dislikes through their vocalizations and body language.  Pay attention and you’ll learn a lot.  However, you’ll learn even more by simply asking what your partner likes and dislikes.  Don’t be afraid to discuss what turns you both off and what turns you both off.  Open and honest communication is key in so many areas of your relationship. 

3.  Maintain Eye Contact 

Most men are visual creatures while most females are emotional creatures.  Maintaining eye contact during oral sex, whether giving or receiving, is essential to creating intimacy because it involves both visual and emotional feedback between partners.  Looking into your partner’s eyes can help build trust, passion and foster a greater desire of more intimacy.  It’s a wonderful cycle in which to get caught up!

4.  Use Your Hands 

We all know that the use of lips and tongues are very important aspects of oral sex but don’t forget about hands.  Letting your hands explore in addition to using your lips and tongue will certainly boost the intimacy!

5.  Don’t Forget All The Erogenous Zones

Just as hands are as important as lips and tongues when performing oral sex, don’t forget to include all the other areas of the body that give and receive pleasure when engaging in oral sex.  Oral sex is so much more than just clits & dicks.  Have fun exploring…and licking and sucking…and all that other good stuff! 

~Beautifully Broken~

Incognito BDSM 

When we think ‘BDSM’ so many people, kinky and ‘nilla wafer’ alike, conjure up this ultra sexual imagery, consisting of a dungeon full of whips, chains and a gorgeous female submissive being roughly used by a smoking hot male Dominant.   Sure, that scenario is valid enough but it certainly isn’t the end all, be all of BDSM.

As you probably already know, the acronym BDSM stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism”.   There is no outward mention of sex because BDSM doesnt have to include any type of sex at all.  That’s strictly up to the consenting parties.  Also, being sexual and having sex are two completely different things…both great…but still very different.

In today’s world, we have so many responsibilities and obligations that demand our time.  Jobs, careers, school, children, families, aging parents, partners, volunteer work, household chores, the ever elusive “me time”…they all demand to be satisfied or our lives just don’t function as they should.  So how do we fit BDSM-related topics and activities into our day…especially when our days are so full and being watched like hawks by all our non-approving vanilla social counterparts?

Making time for BDSM isn’t always easy but I promise you it is do-able!!  All you need is a little creativity and flexibility!!

1  Schedule Scenes and Sex

Ok, admittedly, scheduled scenes and sex don’t win you any spontaneity points in your relationships dynamic but hey, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  If you’re thinking scheduled scenes and sex aren’t very exciting, think of it this way.  You know what’s really not exciting?  Having no scenes or sex!!  If you have to wake up early to have a quickie in the shower before the rest of your clan wakes for the day, do it!  If you have to arrange childcare weeks in advance so you and your partner can scene in a motel room over the weekend, do it!!  Whatever you have to do to make that all prized alone time, DO IT!!!  Trust me, it’s worth it. 

2.  Force Yourselves to Stick to Your Schedules

Ok, so you go to the trouble of arranging a weekend getaway with your partner, finding a sitter, taking care of every little detail so your absence won’t be too dramatic for everyone to bear and when the night finally comes, one or both of you really aren’t in the mood.  I will tell you right now…PUSH PAST THAT SHIT AND TAKE YOUR EVENING AWAY TOGETHER!!  Even if you had the worse day at work in history, leave it at the office.  Even if your mate has at terrible headache, pack the whole bottle of ibuprofen and head out the door.  Even if you don’t end up scening or having sex, just being alone together is enough.  Who knows where the evening might lead once you’ve both started to unwind a little bit!

3.  Keep Your Options Open

One of the fastest ways to set yourself up for disappointment is to cling too tightly to a rigid plan.  By remaining flexible, you’re better able to roll with the punches and navigate all the little obstacles life is always throwing at us.  As a Dominant,  you should have a plan for your scenes but don’t forget to allow for script changes and rewrites.  There’s that chance to be spontaneous we were talking about earlier!  Take charge and dominate!!  As a submissive, you shouldn’t be worried about a plan anyway…your Dominant has you covered…so just relax and submit.

4.  Maintain Your Mindset

Ok, so you say you’re having a difficult time just relaxing and submitting or taking charge and dominating, huh?  It happens, especially if you’re out of practice or if you  only think of D/s or M/s in terms of scenes and/or sex.  Well, they are so much more!!  The scenes and sex aren’t really just the icing on the cake.  Make the effort to get into and maintain your shared power exchange mindset every day, not just when you’re about to play.

5.  Reinforce Your Power Exchange Daily

There are so many little ways to keep your power exchange in the forefront of your mind, even with children, families and the rest of society watching all the time.  One of the biggest lessons my Daddy Dom was able to impart to me during our 2.5 years in a long distance relationship  (LDR) was that everything I did, no matter how small or or how grand, was in fact, done in service to Him.  Mind you, we were 3,000 miles away from one another ant this time, with 2 or 3 week visits only taking place every 3 – 5 months.  He was excellent at showing me a new way to look at our dynamic so I could see all the ways in which I was of service when I was feeling like a rather displaced and completely obsolete submissive.  Setting little tasks for your partner to complete is essential in maintaining your shared mindset…just as completing those tasks will reinforce your power exchange.  Ordering the use of an anal plug has certainly assisted many high powered submissives with remembering to whom they belong.  Sometimes we all need a reminder as life is trying to get in the way.  Once you’re at the point where just a single look from your D-type can make your melt (or make you freeze, depending upon the reason for the look), you two are definitely in synch…and THAT is always a precursor to a VERY good time!!

I would like to conclude this article on Incognito BDSM by asking you all to comment below some tips or tricks you have incorporated into your dynamic or would like to incorporate into your dynamic to help you and your partner practice BDSM in front of the whole big nilla wafer world without any of them being any the wiser.  What works for you may also help someoneelse who is struggling to maintain their dynamic so please don’t hesitate to comment and keep the discussion going…

~Beautifully Broken~

Are You Devoted To Your Submission?

Let’s talk about devotion to our submission…

What does that sentence mean to you?  And no, you don’t have to have a D-type to be devoted to your submission.  You need drive and dedication…in whatever form that takes for you at any given time.

Some people think an s-type isn’t even an s-type without the D-type counterpart.  I think that’s bullshit.  I am not a “natural submissive”, bowing & scraping to anyone who calls themselves a D-type.  I am a caregiver, both professionally & personally…but even without that aspect, i am still a submissive because it’s a basic part of who i am.

I think this is an important distinction because how can i devote myself fully to my Daddy if i can’t even devote myself to myself?  How can i stand, afraid and seemingly alone, in the dark times at His side, if i can’t even stand up for myself?  My D-type doesn’t define or complete me, He compliments me, enhances me.  

Are you able to stand secure in your own submission, on your own?  If not, how can you think you will be able to stand by Another, forsaking your will for Theirs?

Thoughts…?

~Beautifully Broken~

The Ritual of The Conversation Game

Conversation Starters…
No matter how long you have been with your partner(s), you can always learn more about them.  You might be surprized by what you learn…or that one quirk that you just couldn’t understand might finally make sense!

Daddy and i had games of ‘Truth or Dare” and “20 Questions” over the phone when we were long distance and over the 2 1/2 years, every session lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  

Here’s a list of conversation starters i found on Pinterest to help break the ice when incorporating these types of discussions into your dynamic…and let these questions inspire you to write down your own questions AND ACTUALLY ASK them of your partner(s).  

No hang ups, no fear.  No bullshit.  This ritual requires total honesty and it doesn’t work any other way. 

If necessary, make a rule that no one can get angry/pout/agrue about anything that’s said and that any sensitive issues that come up will be discussed gently and respectfully and make sure everyone involves follows the rule.  

If you have a safeword, discuss if it can be used if the game gets too intense or make up a seperate ’emotional safeword’ to use in times of emotional distress.  

If a topic is off limits, state it outright.  You are allowed to maintain limits while still being completely honest.  Don’t ask questions to which you aren’t ready to hear the answers.  

These are the basic steps to beginning the truly open and honest communication on which our Lifestyle is built.  

And don’t forget…  HAVE FUN!!  Not every session has to be so deep, especially in the beginning.  This ritual game is a process, like everything else in our Lifestyle.  
~Beautifully Broken~

A Poem About Pain…

​When it hurts, i want to run

But there’s nowhere to go.

So i’d take the blade up to my skin…

And cut it nice and slow.
Now that i have finally learned 

How to be just who i am,

The blood no longer flows 

Like water thru a broken dam
He taught me how to stand up

Brave and tall, i always stand my ground

He did this because there will be a time

When He is not around.
He told me that i must not break

I am too strong, the mighty Cat

He showed me that i can survive

Without hurting myself like that.
If pain is needed, HE gives it out

As it is His cross to bear

For once He’s gone, i need to know

In my heart, our blood, He’s there…
~Beautifully Broken~

The Idea of A Collaring

I’ve read…and posted…a lot of articles about collars.  I’ve posted thousands of photos of collars.  Now, i’m even selling collars.  I think it’s only fair to discuss the meaning behind collars for a minute.  

Most of us know what each level of collar represents within the community as far as the D/s & M/s relationships go…but the personal meaning behind the idea of YOUR collar sometimes gets lost in the translation.  I know many s-types and the idea of the “collar” means something different to every single one.  The idea is so broad and vast that sometimes even the people within a couple don’t even share the same exact ideology about what their collar should and would mean.

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.  The Lifestyle relationship is no exception.  I have personally found that the level of communication and transparency within a relationship dynamic is more evolved that a vanilla relationship, but that’s just me.  Just because the option for comminication is available, though, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy to engage.  

Discussing our feelings honestly opens us up to a huge amount of vulnerability.  That vulnerability can be very scary to face, even with your most trusted of partners.  Learning and engaging in clear and effective communication takes time and it takes honesty.  It also takes a rather thick skin…which many don’t have naturally.  So, honestly discussing what a collar means can be very uncomfortable if both/all parties aren’t on the same page.

I learned long ago that a collar (or a ring, bracelet or tattoo) isn’t the magic pill to a happy relationship.  They cannot be forced and if they are, most times, they have absolutely no emotional value whatsoever.  The monetary value usually isn’t much either, in my experience.  A collar won’t shut someone up about their anxieties and it won’t make them feel more secure if the relationship is of poor quality.  

A collar won’t make that poor quality relationship better…it usually only complicates things.  Especially if you’ve posted all over social media that you were collared Tuesday and abandoned by Sunday.  I’ve seen that in our Lifestyle more times than i can count, unfortunately.  You know in your gut if you should collar or be collared or not.  Sometimes, it’s just not that point of the relationship yet.  Sometimes, it’s not the right relationship at all.

So…what does a collar REALLY mean to you?  What does it signify?  How was it discussed?  What did you have to go thru as a couple/party to get to the place that collaring, at any stage, was right for you?  Have you ever had a bad experience with a collaring?

*GIF credit to DDlgdoodles

~Beautifully Broken~

Three Years Ago…

…I was in the worst place I had ever been.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, I was completely bankrupt.  My vanilla marriage was crashing and burning, thrashing about in its agony, yet it just would not die.  I had stopped eating, cleaning the house, showering, doing laundry.  I could barely take care of my boys I was so mired down in my hellish depression.  EVERY OUNCE of energy I had each day went towards keeping them clean, fed and content.  I hated my life…but i loved my kids.  

I felt my 65 months of sobriety slipping away…and I had zero fuck to give.  I had just started talking to this guy in California thru Facebook’s messenger.  He seemed pretty cool…but a million miles away.  I told Him in needed a Dom.  He told me that I needed to listen to Him and not use.  I promised I wouldn’t.  I used later that afternoon.  I told Him what I had done and how I knew I was going to do it again…so I was checking myself into rehab.  He said He was proud of me and that He’d be there waiting when I got out.  That was the beginning of our dynamic.

Daddy looked right into the deepest, darkest part of me and found another like Himself.  I don’t know what He thought we’d become but He began micromanaging my every minute of my day (at my request) about a month after I got out of the hospital.  My household chores, my meal planning and preparation, my free time, all of it was at His discretion, even though He was 3,000 miles away.

Now, three years later, I’m in Phlebotomy classes, running and branding a new business, managing the household and caring for the children, all with His help, as He moved across country to live with us about 10 months ago.  Our lives have changed so dramatically and we’ve all come so incredibly far.  I couldn’t be more proud to be His submissive, His wife, His partner…and their Mother.  And He’s their Papa…their full time male role model.  Their Father.

I’m beyond grateful and happy right now and it’s even sweeter still because I can still remember that bitter twang on the back of my tongue back when everything was sour.  The only sweetness was the little bits of hope He taught me to see as His submissive…and slowly , we began making our dreams come true.

Happy Three Year Anniversary , Daddy !  I love You more than words can ever express.  Thank You for walking with me along our incredible journey.

~Beautifully Broken~

Finding Your Personal Balance of Submission And Independence 

I’ve often heard a newly enthralled couple stating things like, “You complete me’, to one another in person and in social media comments, as they coo and snuggle together (virtually, if need be).  We’ve read posts in this very group where couples have described themselves as being “everything” to each other, the “end all and be all” of their “universe”.  The flowery words of poetic sentiment, describing the emotions (as explosive fireworks and as paralyzing electricity) of a new relationship can get pretty racy pretty quickly.  Add in the extra intensity of a newly forged BDSM relationship and I’ve even heard the phrase, “Death means nothing”, in reference to the strength of the bond between the two parties.  (Oh wait, I remember where I’ve heard that.  I said it.  More than once.)

Are those poetic participles of passion a bit sappy and ultimately meaningless?  Yes, definitely…and no, not at all.

As with everything else, perception of the circumstances is key and everything is relative.  Semantics get in the way and all art gets torn from the moment.  And that’s good.  Sometimes we need to see what’s really going on right before our eyes in the absolute most objective way possible.

All of the memories of all those sweet words which were once whispered into your ear will not be enough to keep you from breaking down should the relationship come to an untimely end.  In fact, if you’re like most people, simply recalling the sentimentality of those words of love will make you want to scream when thought of after the relationship is ended.  It doesn’t matter how it ends either.  Only multally amicable partings are not completely devastating.  Otherwise, someone’s either cursing or praising the other’s name, depending ding on just how their partner exited the scene.

We are all very hard on ourselves on a daily basis.  Some of us even have protocol in our dynanic’s about negative self talk and defamatory remarks about our D-type’s property.  Talking and even thinking poorly of oneself is extremely unhealthy and counterproductive.  Most Doms will put guidelines into play because of the severity of psychological damage that comes along with that type of behavior.  Yet many of us still do it every single day.  Why?

I believe that a major reason for this type of negative attitude is because of deeply rooted insecurities which have gained a foothold in our psyche, going as far back as early childhood in some cases.  This type of discord brings about a lack of confidence, massive insecurities and low self esteem.  Exhibiting those negative traits makes for the perfect storm of neurosis, a breeding ground for poor, and even dangerous, life choices which are doomed from the start.  Living with all of those underlying psychological issues, all the while avoiding the  uncomfortable…and downright scary…root of the emotional turmoil (which triggered the occurrences of the negative and unhealthy coping mechanisms in the first place) only sets us up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, abandonment, distrust or what have you.

Sometimes a person can only begin to see themselves for who and what they really are by looking at themselves through the eyes of another person.  This type of objectivity is the main focus of cognitive therapy.  Sometimes a person can only begin to change their behavior for the better when given the directives to do so by another person they deem “in authority” per whatever qualifications they feel are important at the time.  I can see why patients are sometimes known to transfer strong emotions, and even sexual energy, onto their therapists.  Therapists are trained to deal with this occurrence and are honor bound not to encourage that type of behavior.  The rules for such transference aren’t so clear for many people, Lifestyle or otherwise, when this type of intense relationship occurs between people when other attractions are also present.

Participation in therapy is a requirement for many dynamics and BDSM should not be a substitute for that therapy in any way.  The dependence an s-type feels toward his/her D-type can be incredibly strong, the emotions can become almost overpowering, but any relationship, Lifestyle or otherwise, cannot be your whole universe.

No one can be your rock.  Rocks come and go.  You must be your own rock, first and foremost.  It’s wonderful to love someone, it’s spiritual to submit to someone…and it’s tragically painful to be left by someone.  I’m not saying to hold back your love or your submission but one MUST have a strong foundation of self-worth and belief in self-reliance before control can be given to another in any meaningful way.  I know, I “submitted ” before I was ready a few times…and in all but one case, I was damaged by the experience, to one degree or another.  All that pain and heartache can be easily avoided by simply taking your time with vetting, questioning, interviewing and negotiating with prospective partners…but it takes a healthy sense of self-worth to be able to learn how to do that and avoid the siren song of subfrenzy.

~Beautifully Broken~