Steps to Assist in Proceeding Toward Healthy Relationships After Experiencing Abusive Relationships

When people are subject to abuse and trauma in a relationship, they tend to build walls around themselves to prevent further hurt in similar future situations.  We as humans survive due to the effectiveness of our defense mechanisms.  We have learned to be cautious of certain behaviors and activities because we have been hurt in the past.  That’s a natural and normal reaction to being abused.  

Sometimes, however, those walls become so high that the walls themselves prohibit our growth and healing.  Instead of seeing the walls as appropriate cautionary reminders, we see them as inflexible guidelines by which to live the rest of our lives.  No matter the circumstances, we can fall into the trap of repeating old patterns and behaviors, even if they no longer serve us because at one time they did serve us very well.

So how do we begin to trust again and truly heal from old patterns of abuse and trauma once we find a person who is worthy of a healthy relationship?  These tips are in no particular order and I feel that we as survivors revisit each of these aspects over and over again as we heal and grow in our newfound positive relationships.

Time.  

We need to do is to be worthy of a healthy relationship ourselves.  Now, let me explain.  We’re ALL deserving of healthy and stable relationships but until we’re able to begin to participate in a healthy relationship with another person, we should refrain from embarking upon them.  We need to take the time to deal with our own emotional trauma, to be able to examine our own baggage of guilt and shame and to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so we can start to value ourselves once again.  

Change the tape in your head.  

Sometimes we need to learn how to respond to people without letting our past cloud our view.  It can be difficult to evaluate each relationship for what it is instead of what we fear them to be.  Fear can be healthy…but it can also become crippling if we allow it to be.  Think of all the good things in life you would have missed out on if you had been too afraid to try.

Readjust your radar.  

We need to realize that the fear that once served us is no longer applicable in every situation.  If we’re honestly trying to change our behaviors, we need to realize that other areas of our lives will be influenced by the changes we’re making.  Benefitting from those changes include understanding that the signals we give off to others are changing and as a result, the caliper of people that are attracted to our lives will begin to change as well.

Stop taking everything so personally.  

When we experience hurt, the trauma carries over into every other aspect of our lives.  Our perceptions are clouded by our experiences.  In order to truly begin to heal, we need to realize that just as our reality is tainted by our experiences, so the reality of others is tainted by their experiences as well.  Not everything someone else does or says is always about us…and truthfully, even when it is about us, it’s not our issue to overcome.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

We are only responsible for what we say and how we say it.  We aren’t responsible for what another person hears or how they relate to the information we pass along to them.  In turn, we are responsible for accepting the truth in our relationships and that includes hearing unpleasant aspects of ourselves and adapting our behavior to more appropriate behavior if those aspects are actually rooted in truth.

Give yourself a break.  

In the quest to become the best person we can be after surviving trauma and abuse, we are going to make mistakes.  Probably several mistakes.  Own up to your mistakes when you make them.  Apologize for them.  Try your damnedest not to repeat them.  That’s literally all we can do.

Realize that change, and the happiness that will follow, is possible. 

The only sure thing about human nature is that we are capable of change if we want it bad enough.  We are all deserving of safety, peace and happiness.  Attaining this state takes hard work.  It means analyzing past behavior and making adjustments when necessary.  It means doing the self examination to work through difficult, unpleasant and sometimes even painful emotions.  It means knowing that their IS light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that you’re worthy of happiness.

These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about how to proceed in healthy relationships after experiencing abusive relationships.  These words are what I’ve found to be true along my own personal journey.  

What tips on beginning healthy relationships after traumatic experiences would you add to this list and why would you add them?  I’d REALLY like input from both Dominants and submissives on this post because as much as we discuss all the ways that Dominants help their submissives heal, we’d be remiss to assume that submissives don’t help their Dominants heal as well.  If this topic applies to you…and i think it applies to most…i’d love to hear your opinions and personal experiences on the subject, even if you rarely ever comment.  There’s no right or wrong in healing, after all…

~Beautifully Broken~

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Worst.  Week.  Ever!

I had a fucking terrible week.  

The job search has entered the interview phase and I’m so exhausted.  I just want a full time job with benefits or enough part time work to be able to pay for healthcare benefits myself.  I’ve been waiting all week on something really big to go thru and now it has been delayed.  The other big thing may already be out of my grasp.  

I have to get back to the job search on Monday but for tonight, I’m just done.  I am so fucking done.  I got a letter from my job informing me that as soon as I am making more money, I will have my wages garnished because of non-payment of a bill that was in my name that my ex said he paid 6 years ago.  He never paid it.  Like I have an extra $750.00 just laying around.  Sure.

The cubs are with my ex and Daddy and I are alone (mostly) all weekend.  All I HAVE to do this weekend is bake a mountain of cupcakes for my youngest’s 7th birthday, which just happens to fall on Mother’s Day this year.  Daddy will take care of the breakfasts, lunches, snacks and orgasms all weekend.  I can nap whenever I want.  All I have to do is get out of my funk and enjoy our weekend together without backsliding into any bad old habits.  I will always be an addict and when I don’t use, I want to shop.  So, recognizing that behavior, I am not shopping.  I’ll just pray that other people are shopping and dump their paychecks at my store lol.

Knowing I have a wonderful Dom who would move mountains for me if I just asked Him to…I still cannot let go of this mood.  Oh well.  I will keep trying.

Hey, nobody’s perfect.

Have a great weekend, everyone…  xo

What Is a Soul Mate? 

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on September 19, 2015.

​I believe that a “soul mate” is a mirror.  By looking into this mirror, we see ourselves clearly, without judgment or disrespect.  We are forced to acknowledge that our faults and flaws are our own and that we are ultimately responsible for dealing with our own issues.  Many people are only able to be with their soul mate for a finite period of time because constantly peering into the mirror is exhausting and draining.  

Our soul mate isn’t only responsible for stroking our ego and telling us how wonderful we are.  The functionality is much deeper.  We choose to see ourselves as our soul mate sees us so we can begin to face our fears and self-imposed limitations…and ultimately overcome them.  

Do you believe in the concept of a soul mate?  If so, does your definition match up with mine…or is a soul mate something entirely different to you?

~Beautifully Broken~

Attentiveness in D/s Caregiver Relationship Dynamics

Attentive…

Image Credit: Google search of ‘attentive’.  Thanks, Google ❤💋

Last week, my Dom went grocery shopping with the list that I had created for Him, per His request.  I realized MINUTES after He left the house, without His cell phone (of course), that I had forgotten to write down that we needed ketchup on that grocery list.  Ugh!!!!  

We’d had a discussion, a few days prior, about needing more ketchup and I mentioned that I wanted to start buying organic ketchup from now on, after reading all about the terrible types and amounts of preservatives used in most major brands of ketchup.  It wasn’t a huge discussion, just a quick exchange in passing while I was cooking in the kitchen.  I mentally scolded myself for the defeat that forgotten ketchup had brought upon me.  

Sigh…

So can you possibly imagine my shock and delight when Daddy returned home from grocery shopping with a bottle of ketchup??  And…it was the ORGANIC KETCHUP. 

I seriously fell in love with Him on a whole new level that day.  

Now, remembering to get my organic ketchup may not seem like a big deal…but really, it was and IS huge.  My Daddy demonstrated one instance of His consistent and absolute attentiveness to my wants and needs.  Through this condiment shopping example, I saw how He is always listening to me when i speak, absorbing and processing that new information, storing that information so that it can be accessed at a later date and then actually recalling said information exactly, whenever the need should arise, in order to fulfill one or more of my wants and/or needs.   

It still may not sound like much to some people.  I mean, isn’t listening and responding (or at least acknowledging) submissive’s wants and needs what a good Dom is supposed to do anyway?  Well, yes, it is what they are SUPPOSED to do in theory…but it’s huge when it actually happens in daily life and the moment shouldn’t be minimized nor taken for granted.  When a party in the relationship lives up to their word, especially without being asked or reminded, that party should be acknowledged and thanked for their consistent efforts.

Image Credit: http://membean.com/exemplars/attentive

I was almost in tears last night when I saw He remembered to get the pancake syrup I had (once again) forgotten to list for Him on the latest shopping list.  LIGHT SYRUP at that.  Daddy’s grocery item retention skills are really trumping my list writing skills.  However, I was not punished.  Daddy would never punish me for an honest mistake.  That’s just one of the qualities which make Him the wonderful Dominant that He is. 

These last six months of living together with my Daddy have been some of the most challenging and rewarding months I have ever lived.  I have learned so much about myself, about Him, about communication skills and about what real intimacy looks like…and how it feels.  We do get into our little tiffs, like most couples, but overall, I couldn’t be happier right now.  However, as His submissive, I have been pushing myself to measure up to some lofty expectations I had in my head of what it entails to be seen and to feel as a great live-in submissive.  I’ve been incredibly stressed at times trying to make everything work out perfectly.  Other times, everything feels so natural and I don’t have to work at submission at all, it just *is* and I just *am*.  I felt like I’ve found myself again, only this time, I like who I am becoming.  I think Daddy needed to show me that although I am very much in service to Him, He also, in very realistic manners, is in service to me.

Now, I know that last line can be taken as fairly contradictory and/or controversial to some per our D/s Caregiver power exchange dynamic but honestly, I don’t really care.  D/s cannot exist inside a vacuum and to us it isn’t only shades of black or white.  Nor is it ’50 Shades of Grey’.  Our relationship dynamic is exactly that…OURS…and I know we are very blessed to be able to truly see one another in this manner.  He remembers everything I need Him to remember and I know He sees everything that I need Him to see, just as I do in return for Him.  And I’ve always known that…but it is always nice to be reminded.  Those little reminders are what gives me the strength to proceed with confidence as it fuels my dedication to my wonderful  Family and my amazing Daddy ❤

~Beautifully Broken~

​Making Time For BDSM In Your Daily Life

Above everything else, BDSM is a mindset.

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) is an abstract construct which encompasses all of the physical acts of both sexual and non-sexual dominance and submission.  Many people have asked what it takes to keep a BDSM relationship going long term, in both scene-only and 24/7 dynamics.  The answer is simple.

It takes dedication.

We all have busy lives.  Pursuing careers, responding to family obligations, fulfilling  volunteer work, raising children, keeping in touch with friends and family, satisfying household responsibilities are issues we all face.  We all have learned how to juggle our commitments very well.

Unfortunately, keeping so many different balls in the air sometimes means that other areas get neglected.  It happens.  However, making time for those relationships and activities which are important to us needs to be just as much of a priority as everything else we do in our busy day.  There’s a saying which states, “If it matters to you, you will find a way.  If it doesn’t matter to you, you will find an excuse”.  I think this saying definitely applies to our Lifestyle relationships.

We make time for what is important to us.  Plain and simple.  If you have to get the kids to bed early so you and your SO can have a quiet S&M session, do it.  If you have to find childcare so you and your SO can go on a weekend getaway a few times a year, do it.  If you have to wake up early so you and your SO can have some uninterrupted shower sex before cooking breakfast, do it.  Be creative!!  Have fun with your scheduling.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking scheduled sex and scenes kills the romance.  Ya know what does kill the romance?  Not having the time for any sex or scenes!!  It’s all about your shared mindset.  If you both want it bad enough, make it happen.

Okay, so you say you desperately want to make time to play with your SO but every time a scheduled sex and/or scene arrives, one of you isn’t in the mood.  What then?  Well, obviously things come up and life gets in the way…but sometimes you need to push past those feelings in order to get into that BDSM mindset.  Sending naughty, or downright dirty, texts to one another throughout the day will ignite your passions so much that you’re counting the minutes until your scheduled session later that evening.  Inserting an anal plug and/or adorning nipple clamps under your clothing as you finish work, per your D-type’s orders, can help you leave Type A Personality Woman at the office and more easily transition to His Stupid Whore by the time you arrive Home.  Listening to selections from the BDSM music playlist from your last session on the way Home from work can help you shake off your shitty day and help you transform back into the Dominant you know you are.  If it matters to you, you WILL find a way.  If not…well, you know where this is going.

What are some ways you and your SO make time to nurture and evolve your BDSM relationship?  Can you share any tips you have learned that might help others?

~Beautifully Broken~