Becoming Change

The behaviors we accept are the behaviors we receive.

As s-types within this community, we are taught to vet all potential partners, to have lists of questions to ask…a list of limits to express, a list of desires to share, etc….at the ready for our suitor(s) and to pull them out at the perfect time, just when we’re both/all ready, without fear or apprehension and with total honesty from all involved.

To compile these lists, we must first know ourselves and our personal intricacies very, very well. We must be keenly aware of our patterns, our flaws, our shortcomings as well as our ingenuity, our strengths and our triumphs AND be able to express ourselves calmly, without shame or indignation. It’s a huge undertaking.

Its especially difficult because we are most often in a place where we feel lonely, unsure (at best) and (usually) horny when we are most in need of this type of protocol.

We as single and/or unowned s-types have had to face our cravings for dominance, possibly also for pain, as we navigate the local and/or online BDSM communities. Sometimes we deal with desperation and hopelessness. That type of headspace can, and usually does, lower our inhibitions and we easily drift into accepting and, indeed welcoming, unsafe and unhealthy behaviors, both from ourselves and from others. The ‘tapes’ repeat, ad infinitum, to our detriment and ultimate breakdown until we break the cycle.

So…how do we break the cycle?

Introspection breaks the cycle. Honest, gritty, brutal introspection.

Why do we accept behaviors that we wouldn’t stand for concerning our friends? Why do others seem to matter more to us than we matter to ourselves? How do we break from THIS destructive and detrimental cycle?

We have to change our behaviors.

We are in charge of our own behavior. We are ONLY in charge of our own behavior. We aren’t in control of anyone or anything in this world. If we want change, we have to be the change we want to see.

What changes will you become?

~Beautifully Broken~

Three Years Ago…

…I was in the worst place I had ever been.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, I was completely bankrupt.  My vanilla marriage was crashing and burning, thrashing about in its agony, yet it just would not die.  I had stopped eating, cleaning the house, showering, doing laundry.  I could barely take care of my boys I was so mired down in my hellish depression.  EVERY OUNCE of energy I had each day went towards keeping them clean, fed and content.  I hated my life…but i loved my kids.  

I felt my 65 months of sobriety slipping away…and I had zero fuck to give.  I had just started talking to this guy in California thru Facebook’s messenger.  He seemed pretty cool…but a million miles away.  I told Him in needed a Dom.  He told me that I needed to listen to Him and not use.  I promised I wouldn’t.  I used later that afternoon.  I told Him what I had done and how I knew I was going to do it again…so I was checking myself into rehab.  He said He was proud of me and that He’d be there waiting when I got out.  That was the beginning of our dynamic.

Daddy looked right into the deepest, darkest part of me and found another like Himself.  I don’t know what He thought we’d become but He began micromanaging my every minute of my day (at my request) about a month after I got out of the hospital.  My household chores, my meal planning and preparation, my free time, all of it was at His discretion, even though He was 3,000 miles away.

Now, three years later, I’m in Phlebotomy classes, running and branding a new business, managing the household and caring for the children, all with His help, as He moved across country to live with us about 10 months ago.  Our lives have changed so dramatically and we’ve all come so incredibly far.  I couldn’t be more proud to be His submissive, His wife, His partner…and their Mother.  And He’s their Papa…their full time male role model.  Their Father.

I’m beyond grateful and happy right now and it’s even sweeter still because I can still remember that bitter twang on the back of my tongue back when everything was sour.  The only sweetness was the little bits of hope He taught me to see as His submissive…and slowly , we began making our dreams come true.

Happy Three Year Anniversary , Daddy !  I love You more than words can ever express.  Thank You for walking with me along our incredible journey.

~Beautifully Broken~