Steps to Assist in Proceeding Toward Healthy Relationships After Experiencing Abusive Relationships

When people are subject to abuse and trauma in a relationship, they tend to build walls around themselves to prevent further hurt in similar future situations.  We as humans survive due to the effectiveness of our defense mechanisms.  We have learned to be cautious of certain behaviors and activities because we have been hurt in the past.  That’s a natural and normal reaction to being abused.  

Sometimes, however, those walls become so high that the walls themselves prohibit our growth and healing.  Instead of seeing the walls as appropriate cautionary reminders, we see them as inflexible guidelines by which to live the rest of our lives.  No matter the circumstances, we can fall into the trap of repeating old patterns and behaviors, even if they no longer serve us because at one time they did serve us very well.

So how do we begin to trust again and truly heal from old patterns of abuse and trauma once we find a person who is worthy of a healthy relationship?  These tips are in no particular order and I feel that we as survivors revisit each of these aspects over and over again as we heal and grow in our newfound positive relationships.

Time.  

We need to do is to be worthy of a healthy relationship ourselves.  Now, let me explain.  We’re ALL deserving of healthy and stable relationships but until we’re able to begin to participate in a healthy relationship with another person, we should refrain from embarking upon them.  We need to take the time to deal with our own emotional trauma, to be able to examine our own baggage of guilt and shame and to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so we can start to value ourselves once again.  

Change the tape in your head.  

Sometimes we need to learn how to respond to people without letting our past cloud our view.  It can be difficult to evaluate each relationship for what it is instead of what we fear them to be.  Fear can be healthy…but it can also become crippling if we allow it to be.  Think of all the good things in life you would have missed out on if you had been too afraid to try.

Readjust your radar.  

We need to realize that the fear that once served us is no longer applicable in every situation.  If we’re honestly trying to change our behaviors, we need to realize that other areas of our lives will be influenced by the changes we’re making.  Benefitting from those changes include understanding that the signals we give off to others are changing and as a result, the caliper of people that are attracted to our lives will begin to change as well.

Stop taking everything so personally.  

When we experience hurt, the trauma carries over into every other aspect of our lives.  Our perceptions are clouded by our experiences.  In order to truly begin to heal, we need to realize that just as our reality is tainted by our experiences, so the reality of others is tainted by their experiences as well.  Not everything someone else does or says is always about us…and truthfully, even when it is about us, it’s not our issue to overcome.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

We are only responsible for what we say and how we say it.  We aren’t responsible for what another person hears or how they relate to the information we pass along to them.  In turn, we are responsible for accepting the truth in our relationships and that includes hearing unpleasant aspects of ourselves and adapting our behavior to more appropriate behavior if those aspects are actually rooted in truth.

Give yourself a break.  

In the quest to become the best person we can be after surviving trauma and abuse, we are going to make mistakes.  Probably several mistakes.  Own up to your mistakes when you make them.  Apologize for them.  Try your damnedest not to repeat them.  That’s literally all we can do.

Realize that change, and the happiness that will follow, is possible. 

The only sure thing about human nature is that we are capable of change if we want it bad enough.  We are all deserving of safety, peace and happiness.  Attaining this state takes hard work.  It means analyzing past behavior and making adjustments when necessary.  It means doing the self examination to work through difficult, unpleasant and sometimes even painful emotions.  It means knowing that their IS light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that you’re worthy of happiness.

These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about how to proceed in healthy relationships after experiencing abusive relationships.  These words are what I’ve found to be true along my own personal journey.  

What tips on beginning healthy relationships after traumatic experiences would you add to this list and why would you add them?  I’d REALLY like input from both Dominants and submissives on this post because as much as we discuss all the ways that Dominants help their submissives heal, we’d be remiss to assume that submissives don’t help their Dominants heal as well.  If this topic applies to you…and i think it applies to most…i’d love to hear your opinions and personal experiences on the subject, even if you rarely ever comment.  There’s no right or wrong in healing, after all…

~Beautifully Broken~

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​Cutting and Self-Harm:  How to Feel Better without Hurting Yourself

*I rarely publish anything on here that isn’t an original piece of writing, but i think this article is an excellent exception… BB
Self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. It may help you express feelings you can’t put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain. Afterwards, you probably feel better—at least for a little while. But then the painful feelings return, and you feel the urge to hurt yourself again. If you want to stop cutting or self-harming but don’t know how, remember this: you deserve to feel better, and you can get there without hurting yourself.

What do you need to know about cutting and self-harm?

Self-harm is a way of expressing and dealing with deep distress and emotional pain. As counterintuitive as it may sound to those on the outside, hurting yourself can make you feel better. In fact, you may feel like you have no choice. Injuring yourself is the only way you know how to cope with feelings like sadness, self-loathing, emptiness, guilt, and rage.

The problem is that the relief that comes from self-harming doesn’t last very long. It’s like slapping on a Band-Aid when what you really need are stitches. It may temporarily stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t fix the underlying injury. It also creates its own problems.

If you’re like most people who self-injure, you probably try to keep what you’re doing secret. Maybe you feel ashamed or maybe you just think that no one would understand. But hiding who you are and what you feel is a heavy burden. Ultimately, the secrecy and guilt affects your relationships with your friends and family members and the way you feel about yourself. It can make you feel even more lonely, worthless, and trapped.

Myths and facts about cutting and self-harm

Because cutting and other means of self-harm tend to be taboo subjects, the people around you—and possibly even you—may harbor serious misunderstandings about your motivations and state of mind. Don’t let these myths get in the way of getting help or helping someone you care about.

Myth: People who cut and self-injure are trying to get attention. 

Fact: The painful truth is that people who self-harm generally harm themselves in secret. They aren’t trying to manipulate others or draw attention to themselves. In fact, shame and fear can make it very difficult to come forward and ask for help.

Myth: People who self-injure are crazy and/or dangerous. 

Fact: It is true that many people who self-harm suffer from anxiety, depression, or a previous trauma—just like millions of others in the general population, but that doesn’t make them crazy or dangerous. Self-injury is how they cope. Sticking a label like “crazy” or “dangerous” on a person isn’t accurate or helpful.

Myth: People who self-injure want to die. 

Fact: People who self-injure usually do not want to die. When they self-harm, they are not trying to kill themselves—they are trying to cope with their problems and pain. In fact, self-injury may be a way of helping themselves go on living. However, in the long-term, people who self-injure have a much higher risk of suicide, which is why it’s so important to seek help.

Myth: If the wounds aren’t bad, it’s not that serious. 

Fact: The severity of a person’s wounds has very little to do with how much he or she may be suffering. Don’t assume that because the wounds or injuries are minor, there’s nothing to worry about.

Recognize the symptoms and warning signs

Self-harm includes anything you do to intentionally injure yourself. 

Some of the more common ways include:

cutting or severely scratching your skin

burning or scalding yourself

hitting yourself or banging your head

punching things or throwing your body against walls and hard objects

sticking objects into your skin

intentionally preventing wounds from healing

swallowing poisonous substances or inappropriate objects

Self-harm can also include less obvious ways of hurting yourself or putting yourself in danger, such as driving recklessly, binge drinking, taking too many drugs, and having unsafe sex.

Warning signs that a family member or friend is cutting or self-harming

Because clothing can hide physical injuries, and inner turmoil can be covered up by a seemingly calm disposition, self-injury can be hard to detect. However, there are red flags you can look for (but remember—you don’t have to be sure that you know what’s going on in order to reach out to someone you’re worried about):

Unexplained wounds or scars from cuts, bruises, or burns, usually on the wrists, arms, thighs, or chest.

Blood stains on clothing, towels, or bedding; blood-soaked tissues.

Sharp objects or cutting instruments, such as razors, knives, needles, glass shards, or bottle caps, in the person’s belongings.

Frequent “accidents.” Someone who self-harms may claim to be clumsy or have many mishaps, in order to explain away injuries.

Covering up. A person who self-injures may insist on wearing long sleeves or long pants, even in hot weather.

Needing to be alone for long periods of time, especially in the bedroom or bathroom.

Isolation and irritability.  

How does cutting and self-harm help?

In your own words

“It expresses emotional pain or feelings that I’m unable to put into words. It puts a punctuation mark on what I’m feeling on the inside!”

“It’s a way to have control over my body because I can’t control anything else in my life.”

“I usually feel like I have a black hole in the pit of my stomach, at least if I feel pain it’s better than feeling nothing. ”

“I feel relieved and less anxious after I cut. The emotional pain slowly slips away into the physical pain.”

It’s important to acknowledge that self-harm helps you—otherwise you wouldn’t do it. Some of the ways cutting and self-harming can help include:

Expressing feelings you can’t put into words or releasing the pain and tension you feel inside

Helping you feel in control, relieving guilt, or punishing yourself

Distracting you from overwhelming emotions or difficult life circumstances

Making you feel alive, or simply feel something, instead of feeling numb

Once you better understand why you self-harm, you can learn ways to stop self-harming, and find resources that can support you through this struggle.

If self-harm helps, why stop?

Although self-harm and cutting can give you temporary relief, it comes at a cost. In the long term, it causes far more problems than it solves.

The relief is short lived, and is quickly followed by other feelings like shame and guilt. Meanwhile, it keeps you from learning more effective strategies for feeling better.

Keeping the secret of self-harm is difficult and lonely. And it can have a detrimental effect on your relationships with friends and family members.

You can hurt yourself badly, even if you don’t mean to. It’s easy to misjudge the depth of a cut or end up with an infected wound.

You’re at risk for bigger problems down the line. If you don’t learn other ways to deal with emotional pain, you increase your risk of  major depression, drug and alcohol addiction, and suicide.

Self-harm can become addictive. It may start off as an impulse or something you do to feel more in control, but soon it feels like the cutting or self-harming is controlling you. It often turns into a compulsive behavior that seems impossible to stop.

The bottom line: self-harm and cutting don’t help you with the issues that made you want to hurt yourself in the first place. There are many other ways that the underlying issues that drive your self-harm can be managed or overcome.

Confide in someone

If you’re ready to get help for cutting or self-harm, the first step is to confide in another person. It can be scary to talk about the very thing you have worked so hard to hide, but it can also be a huge relief to finally let go of your secret and share what you’re going through.

Deciding whom you can trust with such personal information can be difficult. Choose someone who isn’t going to gossip or try to take control of your recovery. Ask yourself who in your life makes you feel accepted and supported. It could be a friend, teacher, religious leader, counselor, or relative. But you don’t necessarily have to choose someone you are close to.

Eventually, you’ll want to open up to your inner circle of friends and family members, but sometimes it’s easier to start by talking to an adult who you respect—such as a teacher, religious leader, or counselor—who has a little more distance from the situation and won’t find it as difficult to be objective.

Tips for talking about self-harm

Focus on your feelings. Instead of sharing detailed accounts of your self-harm behavior focus on the feelings or situations that lead to it. This can help the person you’re confiding in better understand where you’re coming from. It also helps to let the person know why you’re telling them. Do you want help or advice from them? Do you simply want another person to know so you can let go of the secret?

Communicate in whatever way you feel most comfortable. If you’re too nervous to talk in person, consider starting off the conversation with an email or letter (although it’s important to eventually follow-up with a face-to-face conversation). Don’t feel pressured into sharing things you’re not ready to talk about. You don’t have to show the person your injuries or answer any questions you don’t feel comfortable answering.  

Give the person time to process what you tell them. As difficult as it is for you to open up, it may also be difficult for the person you tell—especially if it’s a close friend or family member. Sometimes, you may not like the way the person reacts. Try to remember that reactions such as shock, anger, and fear come out of concern for you. It may help to print out this article for the people you choose to tell. The better they understand self-harm, the better able they’ll be to support you.

Talking about self-harm can be very stressful and bring up a lot of emotions. Don’t be discouraged if the situation feels worse for a short time right after sharing your secret. It’s uncomfortable to confront and change long-standing habits. But once you get past these initial challenges, you’ll start to feel better.

Need help for self-harm?

If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm. For helplines in other countries, see Resources and References below.

In the middle of a crisis?

If you’re feeling suicidal and need help right now, read Suicide Help or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. at (800) 273-8255. For a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit Befrienders Worldwide.

Figure out why you cut or self-harm

Understanding why you cut or self-harm is a vital first step toward your recovery. If you can figure out what function your self-injury serves, you can learn other ways to get those needs met—which in turn can reduce your desire to hurt yourself.

Identify your self-harm triggers

Remember, self-harm is most often a way of dealing with emotional pain. What feelings make you want to cut or hurt yourself? Sadness? Anger? Shame? Loneliness? Guilt? Emptiness?

Once you learn to recognize the feelings that trigger your need to self-injure, you can start developing healthier alternatives.

Get in touch with your feelings

If you’re having a hard time pinpointing the feelings that trigger your urge to cut, you may need to work on your emotional awareness. Emotional awareness means knowing what you are feeling and why. It’s the ability to identify and express what you are feeling from moment to moment and to understand the connection between your feelings and your actions. Feelings are important pieces of information that our bodies give to us, but they do not have to result in actions like cutting or other self-harming.

The idea of paying attention to your feelings—rather than numbing them or releasing them through self-harm—may sound frightening to you. You may be afraid that you’ll get overwhelmed or be stuck with the pain. But the truth is that emotions quickly come and go if you let them. If you don’t try to fight, judge, or beat yourself up over the feeling, you’ll find that it soon fades, replaced by another emotion. It’s only when you obsess over the feeling that it persists.

Find new coping techniques

Self-harm is your way of dealing with feelings and difficult situations. So if you’re going to stop, you need to have alternative ways of coping in place so you can respond differently when you start to feel like cutting or hurting yourself.

If you self-harm to express pain and intense emotions

Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint

Start a journal in which to express your feelings

Compose a poem or song to say what you feel

Write down any negative feelings and then rip the paper up

Listen to music that expresses what you’re feeling

To calm and soothe yourself

Take a bath or hot shower

Pet or cuddle with a dog or cat

Wrap yourself in a warm blanket

Massage your neck, hands, and feet

Listen to calming music

Because you feel disconnected and numb

Call a friend (you don’t have to talk about self-harm)

Take a cold shower

Hold an ice cube in the crook of your arm or leg

Chew something with a very strong taste, like chili peppers, peppermint, or a grapefruit peel

Go online to a self-help website, chat room, or message board

To release tension or vent anger

Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag

Punch a cushion or mattress or scream into your pillow

Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay

Rip something up (sheets of paper, a magazine)

Make some noise (play an instrument, bang on pots and pans)

Substitutes for the cutting sensation

Use a red felt tip pen to mark where you might usually cut

Rub ice across your skin where you might usually cut

Put rubber bands on wrists, arms, or legs, and snap them instead of cutting or hitting

Source: The Mental Health Foundation, UK

Professional treatment for cutting and self-harm

You may also need the help and support of a trained professional as you work to overcome the self-harm habit, so consider talking to a therapist. A therapist can help you develop new coping techniques and strategies to stop self-harming, while also helping you get to the root of why you cut or hurt yourself.

Remember, self-harm doesn’t occur in a vacuum. It exists in real life. It’s an outward expression of inner pain—pain that often has its roots in early life. There is often a connection between self-harm and childhood trauma.

Self-harm may be your way of coping with feelings related to past abuse, flashbacks, negative feelings about your body, or other traumatic memories. This may be the case even if you’re not consciously aware of the connection.

Finding the right therapist

Finding the right therapist may take some time. It’s very important that the therapist you choose has experience treating both trauma and self-injury. But the quality of the relationship with your therapist is equally important. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe, respected, or understood, find another therapist.

There should be a sense of trust and warmth between you and your therapist. This therapist should be someone who accepts self-harm without condoning it, and who is willing to help you work toward stopping it at your own pace. You should feel at ease with him or her, even while talking through your most personal issues.

Helping a friend or family member who self-harms

Perhaps you’ve noticed suspicious injuries on someone close to you, or that person has admitted to you that he or she is cutting. Whatever the case may be, you may be feeling unsure of yourself. What should you say? How can you help?

Deal with your own feelings. You may feel shocked, confused, or even disgusted by self-harming behaviors—and guilty about admitting these feelings. Acknowledging your feelings is an important first step toward helping your loved one.

Learn about the problem. The best way to overcome any discomfort or distaste you feel about self-harm is by learning about it. Understanding why your friend or family member is self-injuring can help you see the world from his or her eyes.

Don’t judge. Avoid judgmental comments and criticism—they’ll only make things worse. The first two tips will go a long way in helping you with this. Remember, the self-harming person already feels ashamed and alone.

Offer support, not ultimatums. It’s only natural to want to help, but threats, punishments, and ultimatums are counterproductive. Express your concern and let the person know that you’re available whenever he or she wants to talk or needs support.

Encourage communication. Encourage your loved one to express whatever he or she is feeling, even if it’s something you might be uncomfortable with. If the person hasn’t told you about the self-harm, bring up the subject in a caring, non-confrontational way: “I’ve noticed injuries on your body, and I want to understand what you’re going through.”

If the self-harmer is a family member, prepare yourself to address difficulties in the family. This is not about blame, but rather about learning ways of dealing with problems and communicating better that can help the whole family.

Related HelpGuide articles

Coping with Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Dealing with Recent or Childhood Trauma So You Can Move On

Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal: Getting the Most out of Therapy and Counseling

Quick Stress Relief: Using Your Senses to Relieve Stress On the Spot

Resources and references

General information about cutting and self-harm

Cutting – Article written for teens explains what cutting is, why people do it, how it starts, and where to go for help. (Nemours Foundation)

About Self-Harm: Why You Self-Harm and How to Seek Help – Get the facts about cutting and self-injury. Learn what purpose it serves and how you can overcome it. (Mind)

Self-Harm – Introduction to self-harm, including what makes people do it, danger signs, treatment, and things you can do to help yourself. (Royal College of Psychiatrists)

Self-help

How Can I Stop Cutting? – Offers strategies for resisting the urge to cut by planning ahead, distracting yourself, and finding other ways to express your feelings. (Nemours Foundation)

Reducing and Stopping Self-Harm – Explore the reasons you want to stop injuring yourself, examine the reasons behind your behavior, and learn how to stop, as well as deal with slip-ups. (Scar Tissue)

Coping Skills – Learn the coping skills that worked for one former self-injurer. Includes coping skills for staying in the present, for general wellness, and for replacing cutting. (Psyke.org)

Helpline and treatment referrals

Mind Infoline – Information on self-harm and a helpline to call in the UK at 0300 123 3393 or text 86463. (Mind)

Kids Help Phone – A helpline for kids and teens in Canada to call for help with any issue, including cutting and self-injury. Call 1-800-668-6868. (Kids Help Phone)

Kids Helpline – A helpline for kids and young adults in Australia to get help with issues including cutting and self-harm. Call 1800 55 1800. (Kids Helpline)

Helping a friend or family member

How Can I Help a Friend Who Cuts? – A guide for teens who are concerned about a friend who they learn is self-harming (Nemours Foundation)

Guidance for others – Series of downloadable factsheets with tips on how friends and family members can help someone who cuts or self-harms. (LifeSigns)

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm

A Poem About Pain…

​When it hurts, i want to run

But there’s nowhere to go.

So i’d take the blade up to my skin…

And cut it nice and slow.
Now that i have finally learned 

How to be just who i am,

The blood no longer flows 

Like water thru a broken dam
He taught me how to stand up

Brave and tall, i always stand my ground

He did this because there will be a time

When He is not around.
He told me that i must not break

I am too strong, the mighty Cat

He showed me that i can survive

Without hurting myself like that.
If pain is needed, HE gives it out

As it is His cross to bear

For once He’s gone, i need to know

In my heart, our blood, He’s there…
~Beautifully Broken~

Finding Your Personal Balance of Submission And Independence 

I’ve often heard a newly enthralled couple stating things like, “You complete me’, to one another in person and in social media comments, as they coo and snuggle together (virtually, if need be).  We’ve read posts in this very group where couples have described themselves as being “everything” to each other, the “end all and be all” of their “universe”.  The flowery words of poetic sentiment, describing the emotions (as explosive fireworks and as paralyzing electricity) of a new relationship can get pretty racy pretty quickly.  Add in the extra intensity of a newly forged BDSM relationship and I’ve even heard the phrase, “Death means nothing”, in reference to the strength of the bond between the two parties.  (Oh wait, I remember where I’ve heard that.  I said it.  More than once.)

Are those poetic participles of passion a bit sappy and ultimately meaningless?  Yes, definitely…and no, not at all.

As with everything else, perception of the circumstances is key and everything is relative.  Semantics get in the way and all art gets torn from the moment.  And that’s good.  Sometimes we need to see what’s really going on right before our eyes in the absolute most objective way possible.

All of the memories of all those sweet words which were once whispered into your ear will not be enough to keep you from breaking down should the relationship come to an untimely end.  In fact, if you’re like most people, simply recalling the sentimentality of those words of love will make you want to scream when thought of after the relationship is ended.  It doesn’t matter how it ends either.  Only multally amicable partings are not completely devastating.  Otherwise, someone’s either cursing or praising the other’s name, depending ding on just how their partner exited the scene.

We are all very hard on ourselves on a daily basis.  Some of us even have protocol in our dynanic’s about negative self talk and defamatory remarks about our D-type’s property.  Talking and even thinking poorly of oneself is extremely unhealthy and counterproductive.  Most Doms will put guidelines into play because of the severity of psychological damage that comes along with that type of behavior.  Yet many of us still do it every single day.  Why?

I believe that a major reason for this type of negative attitude is because of deeply rooted insecurities which have gained a foothold in our psyche, going as far back as early childhood in some cases.  This type of discord brings about a lack of confidence, massive insecurities and low self esteem.  Exhibiting those negative traits makes for the perfect storm of neurosis, a breeding ground for poor, and even dangerous, life choices which are doomed from the start.  Living with all of those underlying psychological issues, all the while avoiding the  uncomfortable…and downright scary…root of the emotional turmoil (which triggered the occurrences of the negative and unhealthy coping mechanisms in the first place) only sets us up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, abandonment, distrust or what have you.

Sometimes a person can only begin to see themselves for who and what they really are by looking at themselves through the eyes of another person.  This type of objectivity is the main focus of cognitive therapy.  Sometimes a person can only begin to change their behavior for the better when given the directives to do so by another person they deem “in authority” per whatever qualifications they feel are important at the time.  I can see why patients are sometimes known to transfer strong emotions, and even sexual energy, onto their therapists.  Therapists are trained to deal with this occurrence and are honor bound not to encourage that type of behavior.  The rules for such transference aren’t so clear for many people, Lifestyle or otherwise, when this type of intense relationship occurs between people when other attractions are also present.

Participation in therapy is a requirement for many dynamics and BDSM should not be a substitute for that therapy in any way.  The dependence an s-type feels toward his/her D-type can be incredibly strong, the emotions can become almost overpowering, but any relationship, Lifestyle or otherwise, cannot be your whole universe.

No one can be your rock.  Rocks come and go.  You must be your own rock, first and foremost.  It’s wonderful to love someone, it’s spiritual to submit to someone…and it’s tragically painful to be left by someone.  I’m not saying to hold back your love or your submission but one MUST have a strong foundation of self-worth and belief in self-reliance before control can be given to another in any meaningful way.  I know, I “submitted ” before I was ready a few times…and in all but one case, I was damaged by the experience, to one degree or another.  All that pain and heartache can be easily avoided by simply taking your time with vetting, questioning, interviewing and negotiating with prospective partners…but it takes a healthy sense of self-worth to be able to learn how to do that and avoid the siren song of subfrenzy.

~Beautifully Broken~

A Glimpse of The Evolution of Edging

“Sometimes I Need Reminding, But It Gets Easier…” was the original title of this post…because sometimes I do…and His tongue always reminds me.

I’ll be honest here.  I used to get VERY snippy and frustrated when Daddy wouldn’t allow me to climax for more than 2-3 days.  By Day 5, I could be a straight up bitch.  I know that sounds awful…but it’s something I’m still working on after all this time and I’m much better at controling my  emotions now.  For me, keeping my libido in check was MUCH harder when we were long distance…just having Him around every day for snuggles, hugs and kisses helps a lot when He decides it’s ‘Blow Job and Back Rub Week’.  Daddy never goes for more than a day without blowing His wad…unless He’s in one of His ‘Tease and Deny’ moods…and He almost always gets an hour massage before going to sleep every night so constantly touching Him is usually the release I need if He is denying me.  But.  Some night.  Some nights, touching and massaging Him, alone together, in the dark, is enough to drive me positively mad.  I know, I know…it’s not about me…but i still need to have my internal coping mechanisms for such situations.

Sometimes it amazes me how far we’ve come in just 2 1/2 years.  When we began our relationship, I was very insecure about so many different things…myself, my prospective relationship with Him, anything having to do with my future and my sobriety…I was a wreck.  Daddy walked with me in Spirit every single day, from across the country, while I worked to get my life back on track.  Along the way, I helped Him break through  some walls that He never thought were coming down.  We loved each other enough to let us each become the people we were always meant to be.  It’s rare when you find that…everyone wants you to change for them.  Here, we were changing for ourselves…and that’s why the changes stuck.

Now, since Daddy’s living here with me, I don’t get too bad when Daddy wants to deny me.  I don’t get angry, offended or upset, like I used to do that first year of our LDR.  I understand and appreciate our dynamic much more clearly.  Plus, when He finally allows me to cum…it’s not just sex, it’s a spiritual experience.  Phone sex was fantastic when that’s all we had to express our intimacy and lust.  Visits were wonderful but they were always foreshadowed with knowledge of their eventual end.  All of that is finally behind us.  Daddy’s Home now…and being in O/our bed together every night is…perfection 💙

~Beautifully Broken~

Addiction and Loss: My Friend Died Last Week

I lost a long time friend on Thursday night.  I met Dave when I was 15 and he was 17.  His wake is Tuesday and the funeral services are being held on Wednesday.  Wednesday would have been his 42nd birthday.  

Dave was an addict and alcoholic from the moment I met him, almost 25 years ago.  I met him at my then-boyfriend’s house…Dave was selling him some acid.  That’s what he did.  He sold the good drugs.  The rare drugs that came in from Florida, not just NYC.  EVERYONE knew Dave.  He was well liked and popular in every circle of friends I had back then.

Dave dated friends of mine, he shared houses with other people I knew, he knew every single one of my boyfriends, including my ex-husband and even lived with us for a short time.  Daddy is actually the first man I’ve ever dated that Dave didn’t know well…and now they will never meet.  

Dave was just always around.  And now he’s not.  And I don’t know how to process that.  I have so many memories of this man that no one will ever understand the significance of but me.  And that hurts.  A fucking lot.

Dave never took advantage of me, as a woman or as a friend.  He never tried anything on me like all the other guys did.  I never even kissed him.  He wrote me a message on Facebook once that read I was everything he ever wanted in a woman but he knew he would have fucked it all up between us and he valued our friendship more than he would risk trying for anything else.  

I know that Dave was a tortured soul who is no longer in pain and I’m happy for that.  I’m also happy that he went peacefully, in his sleep, and just never woke up again.  I am grateful for that.  He was always teaching me lessons and his last lesson is still seared into my mind…I truly am one of the lucky ones.

I know Dave knew I was one of the lucky ones too.  He watched me devolve from a weekend bump of coke to an 8 ball to snorting heroine to finally banging it into my veins.  He even asked me what the fuck was wrong with me as he saw my promising life crumbling.  He didn’t care about his own life, even 10 years ago, but he cared about mine.  He sat with me in the NICU when my second son was born and told me I was a wonderful mother and he was proud of me for getting and staying sober.  But he could never do it.  And it finally caught up with him.  

Fuck, Dave.  What the fuckin’ fuck, dude???
You were the big Brother I never had.  And I will miss you until I see you again.  Rest well, my wonderful friend ♡

~Beautifully Broken~

Break The Cycle

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I love this.  

I completely agree that an abuser will tell you every sordid detail of their traumatic past to get their victims to understand their motives and prove that it wasn’t their fault they are abusive, they just can’t help it…and that’s absolute bullshit.  

It’s a choice to perpetuate the cycle of abuse and violence.

It’s a choice to raise your hands in anger against your partner.

It’s a choice to spit insults at your partner.

It’s a choice to slam things and punch walls to intimidate your partner.

These tactics listed above are all abuse…not triggers to abuse, not predispositions/preludes to abuse…they are abuse.  Straight up, 100%.

I was choked out by a live in partner in my early 20’s.  He could have killed me for all he knew, right there on the living room rug. When I woke up, he was in the shower, sitting in the corner of the tub, crying.  Ain’t that just too precious??  Jerk.  He wanted me to understand that he hit because his dad used to hit him and that’s all he knew.  Be that as it may…and it was the god’s honest truth…but it wasn’t my fault he made that choice.  He was angry at me for telling him to move out.  Like I owed him something, salvation or enough love to “fix” him or whatever.  No.  I owed myself the dignity of leaving the relationship. Four years completely wasted, save for that final lesson.

I was abused and survived plenty of trauma in my life.  I did not choose to continue that cycle.  I chose to break the cycle with my own children and in my current relationships.  I don’t hold people emotionally hostage or act out so they are physically threatened.  I made the choice to be better to others than what was done to me.

THAT is where my power lays.

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This used to be me too.

For a long time, I was caught in a cycle of abandonment and intense attachments. I was either bigger than God or smaller than a speck. The mania and depression swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I was convinced that there was nothing I could do about it because I had bipolar depression and my brain was misfiring on the neurological level, causing all sorts of issues with my mood and personality, which was only exacerbated by my addiction and self harm issues. I thought it was all hopeless. I was almost resigned to a life of manic highs and depressive lows, usually cycling to the beat of my romantic and sexual life. But I had an imbalance of chemicals…it wasn’t my fault.

Then one day I watched a documentary about the mental health system of care in America. I watched as they discussed the true nature of psychology…as a pseudo-science rather than a branch of true medical science, reinforced by scientific evidence of any real merit. There are no blood tests to diagnose depression, let alone bipolar depression. There is no oral swab to check for borderline personality disorder. The only type of true scientific research that shows reactions for mental health issues are things like seizure disorders and schizophrenia. Most of the other major mood and anxiety disorders are presenting on scans just like addiction. The brain IS rewiring itself but that’s in response to external stimulation, not some internal brain chemistry already in affect. We are programming ourselves to be depressed and anxious and addicted.

We program ourselves, slowly over time. Avoidance of this issue and exhibiting addictive behaviors because of that issue make us retreat into depression and the cycle continues on, ad nauseum. It’s up to US to break that cycle. We can reprogram ourselves to become more self aware and to start taking personal responsibility for our actions and choices. Once you begin to LIVE your life, to actually feel and experience your emotions without pills, booze and whatever other distractions you’ve personally come to enjoy. It fucking hurts to feel sometimes. Other times, it’s scary and uncomfortable. But sometimes it’s wonderful. The payoff to happiness is slow going. One little accomplishment leads to the next and your character builds upon that success. So many people are asleep nowadays. They are intentionally ignorant to the state of the world, the state of the country, the state of their state and the state of their own bodies. Apathy is easier than proactivity…it’s easier to keep repeating the same old cycles and patterns than it is to break free of all those old paradigms and start something new.

They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. The unknown scares the fuck out of almost every one of us and that’s what manifests itself into depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders as we desperately try to control things we cannot possibly control.

All we can do is control our thoughts…and by doing that, we control ourselves, no matter the situation.  We can reclaim the power and rights to our own spirits, minds and bodies, to once again become free and unburdened by the weight of society’s cycles of depression, anxiety, fear, trauma and all types abuse.

What are your thoughts on the subject?

~Beautifully Broken~

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