What Is a Soul Mate? 

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on September 19, 2015.

​I believe that a “soul mate” is a mirror.  By looking into this mirror, we see ourselves clearly, without judgment or disrespect.  We are forced to acknowledge that our faults and flaws are our own and that we are ultimately responsible for dealing with our own issues.  Many people are only able to be with their soul mate for a finite period of time because constantly peering into the mirror is exhausting and draining.  

Our soul mate isn’t only responsible for stroking our ego and telling us how wonderful we are.  The functionality is much deeper.  We choose to see ourselves as our soul mate sees us so we can begin to face our fears and self-imposed limitations…and ultimately overcome them.  

Do you believe in the concept of a soul mate?  If so, does your definition match up with mine…or is a soul mate something entirely different to you?

~Beautifully Broken~

Do Dominants and Submissives Reflect One Another As They Affect One Another…?

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on June 17, 2015

I’ve been privy to many conversations today…and maybe it’s just me putting my own spin on things…but the concept of BDSM relationships and how the actions of D-types and their s-types reflect upon one another and affect one another keeps coming up.  The D/s & M/s dynamics are multi-faceted ones and there are also many layers under the surface of each facet.  We as couples take refuge in each other…we understand our mates as no one else in the world does because we not only see the layers inside, we also know why these layers exist.

These differences are felt across the board…from sub among sub and certainly from relationship among relationship.  What can be viewed as disrespectful behavior in one dynamic is playful in another.  What is seen as abuse by one s-type is seen as primal play by another.  The difference lies in the comfort level, information level and desire level between the D and s in each particular relationship.

As far as D’s and s’s reflecting on each other, i believe that they do…but HOW they reflect upon one another is really none of anyone else’s business.  The couple that seems to endlessly fight are doing so because they are learning to navigate thru communication issues.  The couple who goes to extremes in all things are learning about limits, boundaries and self control.  The most brutal S/m couples are finding ways to heal their pain.  

What I’m saying is that the beauty of this Lifestyle is to be found when we learn from our differences among our Sisters and Brothers.  Our journies are all unique and the best we can hope to be as Lifestylers can be found when we bond thru our similarities and learn thru our differences.  We never really understand the choices or behaviors of another until they let us in or when we experience their reality ourselves.

Judge not…lest ye be judged.

~Beautifully Broken~

Answers In The Silence:  Truths and Myths About Practicing Responsible BDSM

​I was chatting online with a friend the other night who’s boyfriend wants to get more into BDSM in their relationship.  He wants to not only Top her in bed but also move towards a 24/7 power exchange.  I began explaining that going from rough, kinky sex to a full time D/s relationship was a HUGE step, one that would be best achieved by taking several small steps rather than one huge leap, working up to the ultimate goal of a 24/7 power exchange over time.  

She then informed me that this ‘BDSM thing’ was all HIS idea, not hers.  She wasn’t even sure she wanted this…especially with him ‘fooling around’ with other women.

I explained that any relationship must be built on a solid foundation of trust in order to function in a healthy and fulfilling manner.  Trust is only built though open and honest communication and consistent actions.  I suggested she talk to her boyfriend about his behaviors and told her that she needed to put everything on the table with him before they even *think* about adding any type of BDSM play or power exchange into their relationship.  

She explained that they don’t really talk…about anything uncomfortable or serious…in their relationship.  He does what he does, denies doing it and when he is ‘caught’, he just tries to pretend it never happened in the first place.  I reminded my friend that people on my treat us how we allow them to treat us and that we have the personal responsibility to speak up and act when we find that our best interests are not being considered by our partners.  I told her nothing was going to change until she made that change herself.  She responded that she thought i would say that a submissive would just accept any infidelity because the Dominant is always right.  

I explained that BDSM is all about consent and if a submissive didn’t specifically consent to outside relationships in their dynamic, then the Dominant would be in the wrong to pursue and/or hide them.  I also mentioned that sometimes the most important issues are completely discussed in the silence that is created when one partner is being deceptive.

What do you think about a person wanting to get into BDSM only because they thought they could do whatever they wanted as a Dominant or because they thought they wouldn’t have to do anything at all as a submissive?  What would you say to a person or couple in this type of situation?

~Beautifully Broken~

Review of Jenny Howard Corset From Wish

On September 10, 2016, I purchased this black faux leather and Steampunk-inspired brocade corset from the store Jenny Howard on the http://www.wish.com app.  These five screenshots are from the Wish app.

From the front…

From the side…

From the back…

Sizing Chart…

I placed an order for an XXL, instantly regretted my decision, deleted and cancelled the order and then purchased an XL.  I didn’t know at the time if the charge for the first purchase would even make it to my credit card or not.  Wish Customer Service replied to my messages promptly and reassured me that if the charge did appear, it would be removed within 5-10 days.  I was informed I would recieve my XL corset between October 5 and October 17.

I received the corset on Monday, September 26, 2016.  It’s beautiful.  The faux leather is good quality.  The stitching is neat and finished on the black brocade.  The metal embellishments are all polished and sturdily secured.  There was only one thing wrong with it.

It doesn’t fit.  Like, not even close.  And it was all my fault, not Jenny Howard’s.

I had initially misread the Sizing Chart when ordering.  This XL is for a US size 8 with a 34 inch bust.  I knew that even the XXL I had originally ordered, at a US size 10 with a 36 inch bust, wouldn’t even have fit.  Unfortunately for me, XXL is largest size available for this particular style of corset (although some of Jenny Howard’s corset styles are sized all the way up to a 6XL).  My bust is a 40-42, depending on the cut and manufractured of the clothing.  It wasn’t going to happen, not even in a 2XL.  Not at all.  Nope.  Especially since the corset is sized when it is already laced open at 4 inches so the corset has to fit  perfectly. 

I was really upset that I couldn’t wear this beautiful piece but I contacted Wish Customer Service once again, this time, to learn about their return process, as I knew I could return within 30 days, per Wish policy.  I received a response right away.  I was informed that not only would my order be completely refunded within 5-7 days to my card, but also that I did not need return the corset to Jenny Howard at Wish and would I please keep it as their apology for my experience.

I have to admit, I was floored.  I would have never expected or even thought to ask for anything like that as a customer who was in the wrong.  I was fully prepared to send it back to Jenny Howard/Wish.  I thought *maybe* they’d have offered to send out a free shipping label or something but I NEVER expected to be instructed to keep the item and recieve a full refund.  I’ve never experienced such exemplary Customer Service Support with any company, anywhere, ever.  I cannot say enough good things about Jenny Howard and Wish.

~Beautifully Broken~

Introduction And Negotiation of Kink Into A Non-Kinky Relationship 

Image Credit: Rebel Circus at http://www.rebelcircus.com and on Facebook at https://m.facebook.com/therebelcircus/

Many people ask, “How can I turn my vanilla partner kinky?”.  The short answer isn’t the answer they hope to hear because no, in fact, you cannot turn a non-kinky person into a kinky person.  You cannot expect another person to be someone they are not meant to be.  You especially cannot make someone be anything that they don’t *want* to be… and really, when you think about it, it’s immoral to ask anyone to change simply to suit your specific needs.  Would you alter your values and desires to be what someone else wanted you to be?  I sincerely hope not.

While you aren’t ever going to turn your vanilla partner kinky, you can, with their express consent and genuine interest, expose them to the different aspects of alternative lifestyles which interest you.  Don’t expect miracles.  Don’t expect anything.  Just honestly offer up who you are and what your needs and desires entail.  See if you can negotiate a compromise between your needs and their comfort zone.  That’s what all relationships are about, after all, communication and compromise.

So how do you begin to communicate your need and/or desire for BDSM in your current relationship?  You must first have a clear and concise idea of what your needs and/or desires are and be able to express them to your partner in a relaxed and realistic manner.  If YOU don’t know why you want to practice BDSM and what you hope to get out of it, you can’t expect your partner to be of much help here…and, you’ll probably make them incredibly uncomfortable, if not downright anxious or even scared.

Go online, search and fill out a very basic BDSM scenario and implement checklist.  If you don’t understand a word, a term or an act listed, please go look it up.  Remember, YOU want to pitch BDSM as a good and fun idea to your partner, right?  It helps to know what you’re talking about to such a depth that you should feel comfortable answering your partner’s basic level questions.  If you are asked about something you do not understand, please research and seek out answers together.

BDSM isn’t just about pain and kinky sex.  BDSM not only encompasses the realms of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism, but also many other abstract ideas, such as control, power, trust, respect, obedience, humility, spirituality, connection and the list goes on and on.  Open and honest discussions with your partner about what your interest in BDSM actually entails can go a long way in making the idea seem less scary and way more doable.  With any luck, both you and your partner will find new areas of interest that will leave you both eager for further exploration!

But…  What if that doesn’t happen?  What if your partner’s not into the kinks and fetishes you’ve been daydreaming about fulfilling?  What if your partner won’t even talk to you about it at all and never even hears about your kinky wonderings?  Well, if that happens, all you can do is be a grown up and deal with it.  Your partner doesn’t owe you their participation in acts that to which they never consented.  Be grateful they even gave you the time to speak on your issue.  If you need BDSM to be a part of your life so badly, and your partner just won’t participate with you, you owe it to the both of you to be honest about that and dissolve the relationship, then and there.  

Some people may think that a harsh recourse, but I really belive that if you honestly know you won’t be satisfied in your current relationship without some aspects of BDSM, then be a decent person and say so.  Don’t try to negotiate with your partner now that they’ve told you they aren’t interested, the time for vetting and negotiating was at the beginning of the relationship.  Definitely don’t try to coerce or badger your partner, don’t lay any guilt trips.  It’s not fair to try to change the rules halfway through the game.  Either stay contented with the relationship as it is or move along to greener pastures, only you can decide what’s best for you, but please have basic consideration for the best interestsof your partner as well.  Such basic considerations and responsibilities for yourself and others are in fact one of the foundations of practicing BDSM.

~Beautifully Broken~

Attentiveness in D/s Caregiver Relationship Dynamics

Attentive…

Image Credit: Google search of ‘attentive’.  Thanks, Google ❤💋

Last week, my Dom went grocery shopping with the list that I had created for Him, per His request.  I realized MINUTES after He left the house, without His cell phone (of course), that I had forgotten to write down that we needed ketchup on that grocery list.  Ugh!!!!  

We’d had a discussion, a few days prior, about needing more ketchup and I mentioned that I wanted to start buying organic ketchup from now on, after reading all about the terrible types and amounts of preservatives used in most major brands of ketchup.  It wasn’t a huge discussion, just a quick exchange in passing while I was cooking in the kitchen.  I mentally scolded myself for the defeat that forgotten ketchup had brought upon me.  

Sigh…

So can you possibly imagine my shock and delight when Daddy returned home from grocery shopping with a bottle of ketchup??  And…it was the ORGANIC KETCHUP. 

I seriously fell in love with Him on a whole new level that day.  

Now, remembering to get my organic ketchup may not seem like a big deal…but really, it was and IS huge.  My Daddy demonstrated one instance of His consistent and absolute attentiveness to my wants and needs.  Through this condiment shopping example, I saw how He is always listening to me when i speak, absorbing and processing that new information, storing that information so that it can be accessed at a later date and then actually recalling said information exactly, whenever the need should arise, in order to fulfill one or more of my wants and/or needs.   

It still may not sound like much to some people.  I mean, isn’t listening and responding (or at least acknowledging) submissive’s wants and needs what a good Dom is supposed to do anyway?  Well, yes, it is what they are SUPPOSED to do in theory…but it’s huge when it actually happens in daily life and the moment shouldn’t be minimized nor taken for granted.  When a party in the relationship lives up to their word, especially without being asked or reminded, that party should be acknowledged and thanked for their consistent efforts.

Image Credit: http://membean.com/exemplars/attentive

I was almost in tears last night when I saw He remembered to get the pancake syrup I had (once again) forgotten to list for Him on the latest shopping list.  LIGHT SYRUP at that.  Daddy’s grocery item retention skills are really trumping my list writing skills.  However, I was not punished.  Daddy would never punish me for an honest mistake.  That’s just one of the qualities which make Him the wonderful Dominant that He is. 

These last six months of living together with my Daddy have been some of the most challenging and rewarding months I have ever lived.  I have learned so much about myself, about Him, about communication skills and about what real intimacy looks like…and how it feels.  We do get into our little tiffs, like most couples, but overall, I couldn’t be happier right now.  However, as His submissive, I have been pushing myself to measure up to some lofty expectations I had in my head of what it entails to be seen and to feel as a great live-in submissive.  I’ve been incredibly stressed at times trying to make everything work out perfectly.  Other times, everything feels so natural and I don’t have to work at submission at all, it just *is* and I just *am*.  I felt like I’ve found myself again, only this time, I like who I am becoming.  I think Daddy needed to show me that although I am very much in service to Him, He also, in very realistic manners, is in service to me.

Now, I know that last line can be taken as fairly contradictory and/or controversial to some per our D/s Caregiver power exchange dynamic but honestly, I don’t really care.  D/s cannot exist inside a vacuum and to us it isn’t only shades of black or white.  Nor is it ’50 Shades of Grey’.  Our relationship dynamic is exactly that…OURS…and I know we are very blessed to be able to truly see one another in this manner.  He remembers everything I need Him to remember and I know He sees everything that I need Him to see, just as I do in return for Him.  And I’ve always known that…but it is always nice to be reminded.  Those little reminders are what gives me the strength to proceed with confidence as it fuels my dedication to my wonderful  Family and my amazing Daddy ❤

~Beautifully Broken~

Four Ways To Fight Clean

Image and inspirational credit to Blush at http://pin.it/FD9ZdK3

I’ll be honest here…I almost bypassed this meme without saving it because I had no intentions of posting it.  You see, I use these internet memes that I find to spark inspiration for my writing.  When I saw this one, it stopped me, but I thought,  “This is completely inapplicable.  D/s and especially M/s relationship don’t ‘fight’, they discuss”.  
Yeah. Maybe in a perfect world…or maybe if you or your partner(s) just aren’t the excitable type when tensions arise.  

If that’s the case, good for you!  Otherwise, you’re like the rest of us who do, occasionally, lose our cool when we become hyper emotional, no matter our relationship dynamic.  I gave this list a second glance and then I saved it so I could share it here. 

Fighting in a relationship isn’t productive.  Discussions are what is productive and that’s what most strive for when communicating uncomfortable or intense ideas to our partner(s).  Self control and personal responsibility are never to be forgotten in any relationship, but especially not with your significant other(s).  

The rules of your power exchange should also always apply, no matter the circumstances or expressed emotions, unless of course, the dynamic has made special allowances specifically for such events.  Otherwise, most s-type would be ill-advised to lash out at their D-type…but unfortunately, it does happen.

These four steps are guidelines to learning new behaviors during an intense or emotional discussion with your partner(s).  Taking a moment to remember these points when you are upset will definitely save a lot of unnecessary tears, snger, distrust and punishments.

What are some other steps you take when you’re upset or emotional so that you don’t fight with your partner(s)?

~Beautifully Broken~

Fall Enrichment 

​Today is the Autumnal Equinox, which means it is the first day of Autumn in the Northern Hemisphere.  On the first day of Autumn, the hours of light and the hours of darkness are equal.  After today, the hours of daylight will become shorter in the Northern Hemisphere and longer in the Southern Hemisphere.  

Pagan ritual celebrates this celestial event as the holiday of Mabon.  Mabon rituals focus on balance, change and a shift into darkness as we head into harvest and winter in the Northern Hemisphere.  This is a time to remember that darkness isn’t inherently bad or evil, but rather, darkness is simply the counterpart to light.  There can be no light without darkness, making both necessary and important.

Today’s message of the eternal struggles of change v. balance and dark v. light strikes a major cord with me.  This is a time for reflection…of reaping what we have sown.  Today, I’m reflecting on issues I’m facing and the ways that those struggles have enriched my life.

What are some things you can reflect upon today, personally or within the context of your relationship dynamic concerning the topics of change, balance and looking at the ‘darkness’ in yourself to see what you can learn from it?  How can you use the energies of today to aid in your own Fall Enrichment?

Some topics to consider for reflection on balance, darkness and change…

1.)  Today is all about finding balance…and what better way to find balance and access your core than through yoga poses!?  Are poses and positioning an aspect of your dynamic?  If so, tell us about it.  If not, are posturing and positioning something you would consider incorporating into your dynamic?

2.)  Are you (or your partner) a sadist?  If so, what’s you favorite type of sadomasochistic play…physical, emotional and/or mental?  If not, can you tolerate any S&m play?  Hard limit?  NMK?

3.)  Change is enviable.  All we can do is deal with it with as much grace and poise as possible.

~Beautifully Broken~

​Making Time For BDSM In Your Daily Life

Above everything else, BDSM is a mindset.

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) is an abstract construct which encompasses all of the physical acts of both sexual and non-sexual dominance and submission.  Many people have asked what it takes to keep a BDSM relationship going long term, in both scene-only and 24/7 dynamics.  The answer is simple.

It takes dedication.

We all have busy lives.  Pursuing careers, responding to family obligations, fulfilling  volunteer work, raising children, keeping in touch with friends and family, satisfying household responsibilities are issues we all face.  We all have learned how to juggle our commitments very well.

Unfortunately, keeping so many different balls in the air sometimes means that other areas get neglected.  It happens.  However, making time for those relationships and activities which are important to us needs to be just as much of a priority as everything else we do in our busy day.  There’s a saying which states, “If it matters to you, you will find a way.  If it doesn’t matter to you, you will find an excuse”.  I think this saying definitely applies to our Lifestyle relationships.

We make time for what is important to us.  Plain and simple.  If you have to get the kids to bed early so you and your SO can have a quiet S&M session, do it.  If you have to find childcare so you and your SO can go on a weekend getaway a few times a year, do it.  If you have to wake up early so you and your SO can have some uninterrupted shower sex before cooking breakfast, do it.  Be creative!!  Have fun with your scheduling.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking scheduled sex and scenes kills the romance.  Ya know what does kill the romance?  Not having the time for any sex or scenes!!  It’s all about your shared mindset.  If you both want it bad enough, make it happen.

Okay, so you say you desperately want to make time to play with your SO but every time a scheduled sex and/or scene arrives, one of you isn’t in the mood.  What then?  Well, obviously things come up and life gets in the way…but sometimes you need to push past those feelings in order to get into that BDSM mindset.  Sending naughty, or downright dirty, texts to one another throughout the day will ignite your passions so much that you’re counting the minutes until your scheduled session later that evening.  Inserting an anal plug and/or adorning nipple clamps under your clothing as you finish work, per your D-type’s orders, can help you leave Type A Personality Woman at the office and more easily transition to His Stupid Whore by the time you arrive Home.  Listening to selections from the BDSM music playlist from your last session on the way Home from work can help you shake off your shitty day and help you transform back into the Dominant you know you are.  If it matters to you, you WILL find a way.  If not…well, you know where this is going.

What are some ways you and your SO make time to nurture and evolve your BDSM relationship?  Can you share any tips you have learned that might help others?

~Beautifully Broken~