I was chatting online with a friend the other night who’s boyfriend wants to get more into BDSM in their relationship. He wants to not only Top her in bed but also move towards a 24/7 power exchange. I began explaining that going from rough, kinky sex to a full time D/s relationship was a HUGE step, one that would be best achieved by taking several small steps rather than one huge leap, working up to the ultimate goal of a 24/7 power exchange over time.
She then informed me that this ‘BDSM thing’ was all HIS idea, not hers. She wasn’t even sure she wanted this…especially with him ‘fooling around’ with other women.
I explained that any relationship must be built on a solid foundation of trust in order to function in a healthy and fulfilling manner. Trust is only built though open and honest communication and consistent actions. I suggested she talk to her boyfriend about his behaviors and told her that she needed to put everything on the table with him before they even *think* about adding any type of BDSM play or power exchange into their relationship.
She explained that they don’t really talk…about anything uncomfortable or serious…in their relationship. He does what he does, denies doing it and when he is ‘caught’, he just tries to pretend it never happened in the first place. I reminded my friend that people on my treat us how we allow them to treat us and that we have the personal responsibility to speak up and act when we find that our best interests are not being considered by our partners. I told her nothing was going to change until she made that change herself. She responded that she thought i would say that a submissive would just accept any infidelity because the Dominant is always right.
I explained that BDSM is all about consent and if a submissive didn’t specifically consent to outside relationships in their dynamic, then the Dominant would be in the wrong to pursue and/or hide them. I also mentioned that sometimes the most important issues are completely discussed in the silence that is created when one partner is being deceptive.
What do you think about a person wanting to get into BDSM only because they thought they could do whatever they wanted as a Dominant or because they thought they wouldn’t have to do anything at all as a submissive? What would you say to a person or couple in this type of situation?