Tag: Power Exchange

What Is a Soul Mate? 

October 2, 2016

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on September 19, 2015.

​I believe that a “soul mate” is a mirror.  By looking into this mirror, we see ourselves clearly, without judgment or disrespect.  We are forced to acknowledge that our faults and flaws are our own and that we are ultimately responsible for dealing with our own issues.  Many people are only able to be with their soul mate for a finite period of time because constantly peering into the mirror is exhausting and draining.  

Our soul mate isn’t only responsible for stroking our ego and telling us how wonderful we are.  The functionality is much deeper.  We choose to see ourselves as our soul mate sees us so we can begin to face our fears and self-imposed limitations…and ultimately overcome them.  

Do you believe in the concept of a soul mate?  If so, does your definition match up with mine…or is a soul mate something entirely different to you?

~Beautifully Broken~

Do Dominants and Submissives Reflect One Another As They Affect One Another…?

October 1, 2016

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on June 17, 2015

I’ve been privy to many conversations today…and maybe it’s just me putting my own spin on things…but the concept of BDSM relationships and how the actions of D-types and their s-types reflect upon one another and affect one another keeps coming up.  The D/s & M/s dynamics are multi-faceted ones and there are also many layers under the surface of each facet.  We as couples take refuge in each other…we understand our mates as no one else in the world does because we not only see the layers inside, we also know why these layers exist.

These differences are felt across the board…from sub among sub and certainly from relationship among relationship.  What can be viewed as disrespectful behavior in one dynamic is playful in another.  What is seen as abuse by one s-type is seen as primal play by another.  The difference lies in the comfort level, information level and desire level between the D and s in each particular relationship.

As far as D’s and s’s reflecting on each other, i believe that they do…but HOW they reflect upon one another is really none of anyone else’s business.  The couple that seems to endlessly fight are doing so because they are learning to navigate thru communication issues.  The couple who goes to extremes in all things are learning about limits, boundaries and self control.  The most brutal S/m couples are finding ways to heal their pain.  

What I’m saying is that the beauty of this Lifestyle is to be found when we learn from our differences among our Sisters and Brothers.  Our journies are all unique and the best we can hope to be as Lifestylers can be found when we bond thru our similarities and learn thru our differences.  We never really understand the choices or behaviors of another until they let us in or when we experience their reality ourselves.

Judge not…lest ye be judged.

~Beautifully Broken~

Answers In The Silence:  Truths and Myths About Practicing Responsible BDSM

September 30, 2016

​I was chatting online with a friend the other night who’s boyfriend wants to get more into BDSM in their relationship.  He wants to not only Top her in bed but also move towards a 24/7 power exchange.  I began explaining that going from rough, kinky sex to a full time D/s relationship was a HUGE step, one that would be best achieved by taking several small steps rather than one huge leap, working up to the ultimate goal of a 24/7 power exchange over time.  

She then informed me that this ‘BDSM thing’ was all HIS idea, not hers.  She wasn’t even sure she wanted this…especially with him ‘fooling around’ with other women.

I explained that any relationship must be built on a solid foundation of trust in order to function in a healthy and fulfilling manner.  Trust is only built though open and honest communication and consistent actions.  I suggested she talk to her boyfriend about his behaviors and told her that she needed to put everything on the table with him before they even *think* about adding any type of BDSM play or power exchange into their relationship.  

She explained that they don’t really talk…about anything uncomfortable or serious…in their relationship.  He does what he does, denies doing it and when he is ‘caught’, he just tries to pretend it never happened in the first place.  I reminded my friend that people on my treat us how we allow them to treat us and that we have the personal responsibility to speak up and act when we find that our best interests are not being considered by our partners.  I told her nothing was going to change until she made that change herself.  She responded that she thought i would say that a submissive would just accept any infidelity because the Dominant is always right.  

I explained that BDSM is all about consent and if a submissive didn’t specifically consent to outside relationships in their dynamic, then the Dominant would be in the wrong to pursue and/or hide them.  I also mentioned that sometimes the most important issues are completely discussed in the silence that is created when one partner is being deceptive.

What do you think about a person wanting to get into BDSM only because they thought they could do whatever they wanted as a Dominant or because they thought they wouldn’t have to do anything at all as a submissive?  What would you say to a person or couple in this type of situation?

~Beautifully Broken~

Introduction And Negotiation of Kink Into A Non-Kinky Relationship 

September 27, 2016

Image Credit: Rebel Circus at http://www.rebelcircus.com and on Facebook at https://m.facebook.com/therebelcircus/

Many people ask, “How can I turn my vanilla partner kinky?”.  The short answer isn’t the answer they hope to hear because no, in fact, you cannot turn a non-kinky person into a kinky person.  You cannot expect another person to be someone they are not meant to be.  You especially cannot make someone be anything that they don’t *want* to be… and really, when you think about it, it’s immoral to ask anyone to change simply to suit your specific needs.  Would you alter your values and desires to be what someone else wanted you to be?  I sincerely hope not.

While you aren’t ever going to turn your vanilla partner kinky, you can, with their express consent and genuine interest, expose them to the different aspects of alternative lifestyles which interest you.  Don’t expect miracles.  Don’t expect anything.  Just honestly offer up who you are and what your needs and desires entail.  See if you can negotiate a compromise between your needs and their comfort zone.  That’s what all relationships are about, after all, communication and compromise.

So how do you begin to communicate your need and/or desire for BDSM in your current relationship?  You must first have a clear and concise idea of what your needs and/or desires are and be able to express them to your partner in a relaxed and realistic manner.  If YOU don’t know why you want to practice BDSM and what you hope to get out of it, you can’t expect your partner to be of much help here…and, you’ll probably make them incredibly uncomfortable, if not downright anxious or even scared.

Go online, search and fill out a very basic BDSM scenario and implement checklist.  If you don’t understand a word, a term or an act listed, please go look it up.  Remember, YOU want to pitch BDSM as a good and fun idea to your partner, right?  It helps to know what you’re talking about to such a depth that you should feel comfortable answering your partner’s basic level questions.  If you are asked about something you do not understand, please research and seek out answers together.

BDSM isn’t just about pain and kinky sex.  BDSM not only encompasses the realms of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism, but also many other abstract ideas, such as control, power, trust, respect, obedience, humility, spirituality, connection and the list goes on and on.  Open and honest discussions with your partner about what your interest in BDSM actually entails can go a long way in making the idea seem less scary and way more doable.  With any luck, both you and your partner will find new areas of interest that will leave you both eager for further exploration!

But…  What if that doesn’t happen?  What if your partner’s not into the kinks and fetishes you’ve been daydreaming about fulfilling?  What if your partner won’t even talk to you about it at all and never even hears about your kinky wonderings?  Well, if that happens, all you can do is be a grown up and deal with it.  Your partner doesn’t owe you their participation in acts that to which they never consented.  Be grateful they even gave you the time to speak on your issue.  If you need BDSM to be a part of your life so badly, and your partner just won’t participate with you, you owe it to the both of you to be honest about that and dissolve the relationship, then and there.  

Some people may think that a harsh recourse, but I really belive that if you honestly know you won’t be satisfied in your current relationship without some aspects of BDSM, then be a decent person and say so.  Don’t try to negotiate with your partner now that they’ve told you they aren’t interested, the time for vetting and negotiating was at the beginning of the relationship.  Definitely don’t try to coerce or badger your partner, don’t lay any guilt trips.  It’s not fair to try to change the rules halfway through the game.  Either stay contented with the relationship as it is or move along to greener pastures, only you can decide what’s best for you, but please have basic consideration for the best interestsof your partner as well.  Such basic considerations and responsibilities for yourself and others are in fact one of the foundations of practicing BDSM.

~Beautifully Broken~

Attentiveness in D/s Caregiver Relationship Dynamics

September 26, 2016

Attentive…

Image Credit: Google search of ‘attentive’.  Thanks, Google ❤💋

Last week, my Dom went grocery shopping with the list that I had created for Him, per His request.  I realized MINUTES after He left the house, without His cell phone (of course), that I had forgotten to write down that we needed ketchup on that grocery list.  Ugh!!!!  

We’d had a discussion, a few days prior, about needing more ketchup and I mentioned that I wanted to start buying organic ketchup from now on, after reading all about the terrible types and amounts of preservatives used in most major brands of ketchup.  It wasn’t a huge discussion, just a quick exchange in passing while I was cooking in the kitchen.  I mentally scolded myself for the defeat that forgotten ketchup had brought upon me.  

Sigh…

So can you possibly imagine my shock and delight when Daddy returned home from grocery shopping with a bottle of ketchup??  And…it was the ORGANIC KETCHUP. 

I seriously fell in love with Him on a whole new level that day.  

Now, remembering to get my organic ketchup may not seem like a big deal…but really, it was and IS huge.  My Daddy demonstrated one instance of His consistent and absolute attentiveness to my wants and needs.  Through this condiment shopping example, I saw how He is always listening to me when i speak, absorbing and processing that new information, storing that information so that it can be accessed at a later date and then actually recalling said information exactly, whenever the need should arise, in order to fulfill one or more of my wants and/or needs.   

It still may not sound like much to some people.  I mean, isn’t listening and responding (or at least acknowledging) submissive’s wants and needs what a good Dom is supposed to do anyway?  Well, yes, it is what they are SUPPOSED to do in theory…but it’s huge when it actually happens in daily life and the moment shouldn’t be minimized nor taken for granted.  When a party in the relationship lives up to their word, especially without being asked or reminded, that party should be acknowledged and thanked for their consistent efforts.

Image Credit: http://membean.com/exemplars/attentive

I was almost in tears last night when I saw He remembered to get the pancake syrup I had (once again) forgotten to list for Him on the latest shopping list.  LIGHT SYRUP at that.  Daddy’s grocery item retention skills are really trumping my list writing skills.  However, I was not punished.  Daddy would never punish me for an honest mistake.  That’s just one of the qualities which make Him the wonderful Dominant that He is. 

These last six months of living together with my Daddy have been some of the most challenging and rewarding months I have ever lived.  I have learned so much about myself, about Him, about communication skills and about what real intimacy looks like…and how it feels.  We do get into our little tiffs, like most couples, but overall, I couldn’t be happier right now.  However, as His submissive, I have been pushing myself to measure up to some lofty expectations I had in my head of what it entails to be seen and to feel as a great live-in submissive.  I’ve been incredibly stressed at times trying to make everything work out perfectly.  Other times, everything feels so natural and I don’t have to work at submission at all, it just *is* and I just *am*.  I felt like I’ve found myself again, only this time, I like who I am becoming.  I think Daddy needed to show me that although I am very much in service to Him, He also, in very realistic manners, is in service to me.

Now, I know that last line can be taken as fairly contradictory and/or controversial to some per our D/s Caregiver power exchange dynamic but honestly, I don’t really care.  D/s cannot exist inside a vacuum and to us it isn’t only shades of black or white.  Nor is it ’50 Shades of Grey’.  Our relationship dynamic is exactly that…OURS…and I know we are very blessed to be able to truly see one another in this manner.  He remembers everything I need Him to remember and I know He sees everything that I need Him to see, just as I do in return for Him.  And I’ve always known that…but it is always nice to be reminded.  Those little reminders are what gives me the strength to proceed with confidence as it fuels my dedication to my wonderful  Family and my amazing Daddy ❤

~Beautifully Broken~

Four Ways To Fight Clean

September 25, 2016

Image and inspirational credit to Blush at http://pin.it/FD9ZdK3

I’ll be honest here…I almost bypassed this meme without saving it because I had no intentions of posting it.  You see, I use these internet memes that I find to spark inspiration for my writing.  When I saw this one, it stopped me, but I thought,  “This is completely inapplicable.  D/s and especially M/s relationship don’t ‘fight’, they discuss”.  
Yeah. Maybe in a perfect world…or maybe if you or your partner(s) just aren’t the excitable type when tensions arise.  

If that’s the case, good for you!  Otherwise, you’re like the rest of us who do, occasionally, lose our cool when we become hyper emotional, no matter our relationship dynamic.  I gave this list a second glance and then I saved it so I could share it here. 

Fighting in a relationship isn’t productive.  Discussions are what is productive and that’s what most strive for when communicating uncomfortable or intense ideas to our partner(s).  Self control and personal responsibility are never to be forgotten in any relationship, but especially not with your significant other(s).  

The rules of your power exchange should also always apply, no matter the circumstances or expressed emotions, unless of course, the dynamic has made special allowances specifically for such events.  Otherwise, most s-type would be ill-advised to lash out at their D-type…but unfortunately, it does happen.

These four steps are guidelines to learning new behaviors during an intense or emotional discussion with your partner(s).  Taking a moment to remember these points when you are upset will definitely save a lot of unnecessary tears, snger, distrust and punishments.

What are some other steps you take when you’re upset or emotional so that you don’t fight with your partner(s)?

~Beautifully Broken~

A Glimpse of The Evolution of Edging

August 29, 2016

“Sometimes I Need Reminding, But It Gets Easier…” was the original title of this post…because sometimes I do…and His tongue always reminds me.

I’ll be honest here.  I used to get VERY snippy and frustrated when Daddy wouldn’t allow me to climax for more than 2-3 days.  By Day 5, I could be a straight up bitch.  I know that sounds awful…but it’s something I’m still working on after all this time and I’m much better at controling my  emotions now.  For me, keeping my libido in check was MUCH harder when we were long distance…just having Him around every day for snuggles, hugs and kisses helps a lot when He decides it’s ‘Blow Job and Back Rub Week’.  Daddy never goes for more than a day without blowing His wad…unless He’s in one of His ‘Tease and Deny’ moods…and He almost always gets an hour massage before going to sleep every night so constantly touching Him is usually the release I need if He is denying me.  But.  Some night.  Some nights, touching and massaging Him, alone together, in the dark, is enough to drive me positively mad.  I know, I know…it’s not about me…but i still need to have my internal coping mechanisms for such situations.

Sometimes it amazes me how far we’ve come in just 2 1/2 years.  When we began our relationship, I was very insecure about so many different things…myself, my prospective relationship with Him, anything having to do with my future and my sobriety…I was a wreck.  Daddy walked with me in Spirit every single day, from across the country, while I worked to get my life back on track.  Along the way, I helped Him break through  some walls that He never thought were coming down.  We loved each other enough to let us each become the people we were always meant to be.  It’s rare when you find that…everyone wants you to change for them.  Here, we were changing for ourselves…and that’s why the changes stuck.

Now, since Daddy’s living here with me, I don’t get too bad when Daddy wants to deny me.  I don’t get angry, offended or upset, like I used to do that first year of our LDR.  I understand and appreciate our dynamic much more clearly.  Plus, when He finally allows me to cum…it’s not just sex, it’s a spiritual experience.  Phone sex was fantastic when that’s all we had to express our intimacy and lust.  Visits were wonderful but they were always foreshadowed with knowledge of their eventual end.  All of that is finally behind us.  Daddy’s Home now…and being in O/our bed together every night is…perfection 💙

~Beautifully Broken~

There Is No Such Thing As a True Dominant (Or a True Submissive Or Anything Else, For That Matter)

August 8, 2016

This meme is incredibly accurate…especially for a meme.  Dominance (and submission, for that matter) is a state of mind above than anything else…much more a state of mind than it is something sexual or even kinky.  My Daddy and I can be in a crowded room, full of non-Lifestylers, and all He has to do is give me a two second look and my body viscerally reacts.  My pulse quickens and my breath draws in more shallow.  I can instantly hear His voice in my head, actually saying whatever needs to be communicated in His sexy, deepened voice and I literally start to melt.  And, yes…I know what ‘literally’ means.  That’s what I’m talking about when I proudly title Him with the honorific as my Dom, my Daddy Dom, my Daddy, my Sadist, my Other, my Love…He is both inside my head and inside my heart.

Daddy and I are  practicing a 24/7 Dominance/submission (D/s) Caregiver dynamics in our home together.  We have come to title our dynamic as such because we are a “Daddy Dom/babygirl” caregiver paradigm as well as D/s.  Some Daddies and littles do not subscribe to the D/s power exchange at all, opting only for the caregiver aspect, so I will usually make that distinction.

Daddy and I have had hours of discussions about what works for us as individuals and as a couple, in terms of intimate wants and needs, emotional boundaries, sexual limits and desires and both short and long term goals for the future.  We know one another very, very well.  We have come to a place in our relationship where it’s easier to talk about the uncomfortable emotions and just be real with each other.  It’s not always easy but it is worth it.  I think that the biggest downfall of any alternative lifestyles relationship dynamic is when the parties have differences in their wants, needs, limits and desires because that creates unmet expectations.  Unfulfilled expectations can be devastating to one party while the other party does not even know that there’s any issue going on in their partner’s(s’) mind and heart at all.  

Some people form the foundations for these unfulfilled expectations even before the ever meet their partner!!  

For example, let’s say I am new to the BDSM scene.  I have done my research online and discussed personal experiences on topics of which i have personal interest with others through reputable Internet groups and I have gone out into my local community to begin to form a network of friendships.  I have already decided, in my own mind, exactly what a “real” Dom looks like…and I have done this strictly from my own inaccurate impressions from books and articles as well as on my own unexperienced expectations of what Dominance, submission, and BDSM at large, actually are.  

If the above list is what works for you right now, that’s great.  However, no one can expect everyone to subscribe to their wants, needs or belief systems.  At this point, a new kinkster is all about BDSM Fantasy instead of BDSM Reality because they simply do not know any better.  A person who is new to kink will already have unrealistic perceptions of what participating in BDSM is all about…and to make matters worse, they usually expect everyone in the Lifestyle to agree with them.  It just doesn’t work.

Your perception of what a “true” or “real” Dominant, submissive, Top, bottom and/or switch is will not match up with the realities of others.  You cannot expect them to do so.  It takes time and experience to understand that YKINMKBYKIOK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is O.K.).  In other words, just because you are into something that I’m not into, it doesn’t make your desires “bad”, it just makes them not for me.  This concept extends from inclinations towards sexual activities, predispositions to kinks and fetishes as well as desires and limits regarding interpersonal relationships and/or participation in any BDSM dynamics.

One of the most commonly overlooked aspects of BDSM is the vetting, questioning and interviewing of potential partners.  People need to remember that not every person will be into what you’re into so it’s important to take the time to find someone who is.  

Let me repeat that:  

It takes time to find a compatible partner.

Talk about your wants and needs with your potential partner(s) without shame.  Discuss your goals and limits with honesty and integrity.  Be true to yourself.  Allow others to be true to themselves without degradation or expectations.  Understand that just because something doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work wonderfully for others.

A final point worth mentioning…

Honorable BDSMers come in all shapes and sizes.  One size does definitely NOT fit all in this Lifestyle.  That said, there ARE people who hurt and abuse others.

THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT PRACTICING BDSM.  THE ARE PRACTICING ABUSE.  Plain and simple.

When we label people as “true” and “real”, especially on social media, we set up an impossibly inaccurate standards to which others are forcefully made to adhere, even if just in our own minds.  It’s unfair, biased and unrealistic to do this.  There are definitely people who try to act like kinksters from every corner of the Lifestyle, but they are not practicing consensual, responsible BDSM.  They are also the ones who hurt, abuse, rape and kidnap others for their own sick personal gratification.  These people hide among us, but they are not practicing BDSM and I think it is very important that distinction is made.  BDSM is all about CONSENT and people who hurt and abuse others do not have that consent.  The two concepts are miles apart.

Vetting, questioning and interviewing of potential partner(s), with the help of tools such as various BDSM checklists for activities, kinks and fetishes, is your most powerful asset as you navigate through the Lifestyle.  Taking the time to ask, research and answer these types of discussion prompts is yet another asset.  Don’t become frenzied as you search for prospective partners, take your time and learn to know with whom you are dealing…or even if you care to deal with them at all.

~Beautifully Broken~