Steps to Assist in Proceeding Toward Healthy Relationships After Experiencing Abusive Relationships

When people are subject to abuse and trauma in a relationship, they tend to build walls around themselves to prevent further hurt in similar future situations.  We as humans survive due to the effectiveness of our defense mechanisms.  We have learned to be cautious of certain behaviors and activities because we have been hurt in the past.  That’s a natural and normal reaction to being abused.  

Sometimes, however, those walls become so high that the walls themselves prohibit our growth and healing.  Instead of seeing the walls as appropriate cautionary reminders, we see them as inflexible guidelines by which to live the rest of our lives.  No matter the circumstances, we can fall into the trap of repeating old patterns and behaviors, even if they no longer serve us because at one time they did serve us very well.

So how do we begin to trust again and truly heal from old patterns of abuse and trauma once we find a person who is worthy of a healthy relationship?  These tips are in no particular order and I feel that we as survivors revisit each of these aspects over and over again as we heal and grow in our newfound positive relationships.

Time.  

We need to do is to be worthy of a healthy relationship ourselves.  Now, let me explain.  We’re ALL deserving of healthy and stable relationships but until we’re able to begin to participate in a healthy relationship with another person, we should refrain from embarking upon them.  We need to take the time to deal with our own emotional trauma, to be able to examine our own baggage of guilt and shame and to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so we can start to value ourselves once again.  

Change the tape in your head.  

Sometimes we need to learn how to respond to people without letting our past cloud our view.  It can be difficult to evaluate each relationship for what it is instead of what we fear them to be.  Fear can be healthy…but it can also become crippling if we allow it to be.  Think of all the good things in life you would have missed out on if you had been too afraid to try.

Readjust your radar.  

We need to realize that the fear that once served us is no longer applicable in every situation.  If we’re honestly trying to change our behaviors, we need to realize that other areas of our lives will be influenced by the changes we’re making.  Benefitting from those changes include understanding that the signals we give off to others are changing and as a result, the caliper of people that are attracted to our lives will begin to change as well.

Stop taking everything so personally.  

When we experience hurt, the trauma carries over into every other aspect of our lives.  Our perceptions are clouded by our experiences.  In order to truly begin to heal, we need to realize that just as our reality is tainted by our experiences, so the reality of others is tainted by their experiences as well.  Not everything someone else does or says is always about us…and truthfully, even when it is about us, it’s not our issue to overcome.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

We are only responsible for what we say and how we say it.  We aren’t responsible for what another person hears or how they relate to the information we pass along to them.  In turn, we are responsible for accepting the truth in our relationships and that includes hearing unpleasant aspects of ourselves and adapting our behavior to more appropriate behavior if those aspects are actually rooted in truth.

Give yourself a break.  

In the quest to become the best person we can be after surviving trauma and abuse, we are going to make mistakes.  Probably several mistakes.  Own up to your mistakes when you make them.  Apologize for them.  Try your damnedest not to repeat them.  That’s literally all we can do.

Realize that change, and the happiness that will follow, is possible. 

The only sure thing about human nature is that we are capable of change if we want it bad enough.  We are all deserving of safety, peace and happiness.  Attaining this state takes hard work.  It means analyzing past behavior and making adjustments when necessary.  It means doing the self examination to work through difficult, unpleasant and sometimes even painful emotions.  It means knowing that their IS light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that you’re worthy of happiness.

These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about how to proceed in healthy relationships after experiencing abusive relationships.  These words are what I’ve found to be true along my own personal journey.  

What tips on beginning healthy relationships after traumatic experiences would you add to this list and why would you add them?  I’d REALLY like input from both Dominants and submissives on this post because as much as we discuss all the ways that Dominants help their submissives heal, we’d be remiss to assume that submissives don’t help their Dominants heal as well.  If this topic applies to you…and i think it applies to most…i’d love to hear your opinions and personal experiences on the subject, even if you rarely ever comment.  There’s no right or wrong in healing, after all…

~Beautifully Broken~

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​5 Oral Sex Tips to Enhance Your Intimacy

No matter your power exchange dynamic or your sexual preferences, both giving and receiving oral sex is a great way to create both a deeper sense of intimacy and a more pleasurable sexual experience within your relationship.  Some people feel that when it comes to BDSM, the dominant in a relationship dynamic, no matter the gender, should not perform oral sex, but rather only receive it, because to perform it would be acting against their dominant nature and create a show of ‘weakness’ to their submissive partner.  

Whatever two or more people agree upon within their power exchange or BDSM-related scenes is totally up to them, however to just totally dismiss any action or sensation simply because of a prejudice or discrimination is really selling yourself and your intimate experiences short.  Sometimes all you need is a little practice and an open mind to find a new joy in an experience that you were ready to write off.  These 5 simple tips can help you give & receive incredible oral sex!

1.  Take Your Time

Like anything else, becoming skilled at oral pleasure takes time.  Rushing to the finale (the big O) is perfectly fine some of the time.  However constantly skipping the foreplay means missing out on the wide range of emotions and sensations that accompany the process of oral sex.  Take your time, go slowly…even drag out the experience for a while, I promise you the end result will be so much better for it.

2.  Ask Questions & Listen to the Answers

I don’t think I know anyone who was spectacular at giving (or even receiving) oral sex the first time out of the gate.  That’s why taking your time as described in Tip #1 is so important.  Get to know your partner’s likes and dislikes through their vocalizations and body language.  Pay attention and you’ll learn a lot.  However, you’ll learn even more by simply asking what your partner likes and dislikes.  Don’t be afraid to discuss what turns you both off and what turns you both off.  Open and honest communication is key in so many areas of your relationship. 

3.  Maintain Eye Contact 

Most men are visual creatures while most females are emotional creatures.  Maintaining eye contact during oral sex, whether giving or receiving, is essential to creating intimacy because it involves both visual and emotional feedback between partners.  Looking into your partner’s eyes can help build trust, passion and foster a greater desire of more intimacy.  It’s a wonderful cycle in which to get caught up!

4.  Use Your Hands 

We all know that the use of lips and tongues are very important aspects of oral sex but don’t forget about hands.  Letting your hands explore in addition to using your lips and tongue will certainly boost the intimacy!

5.  Don’t Forget All The Erogenous Zones

Just as hands are as important as lips and tongues when performing oral sex, don’t forget to include all the other areas of the body that give and receive pleasure when engaging in oral sex.  Oral sex is so much more than just clits & dicks.  Have fun exploring…and licking and sucking…and all that other good stuff! 

~Beautifully Broken~

Incognito BDSM 

When we think ‘BDSM’ so many people, kinky and ‘nilla wafer’ alike, conjure up this ultra sexual imagery, consisting of a dungeon full of whips, chains and a gorgeous female submissive being roughly used by a smoking hot male Dominant.   Sure, that scenario is valid enough but it certainly isn’t the end all, be all of BDSM.

As you probably already know, the acronym BDSM stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism”.   There is no outward mention of sex because BDSM doesnt have to include any type of sex at all.  That’s strictly up to the consenting parties.  Also, being sexual and having sex are two completely different things…both great…but still very different.

In today’s world, we have so many responsibilities and obligations that demand our time.  Jobs, careers, school, children, families, aging parents, partners, volunteer work, household chores, the ever elusive “me time”…they all demand to be satisfied or our lives just don’t function as they should.  So how do we fit BDSM-related topics and activities into our day…especially when our days are so full and being watched like hawks by all our non-approving vanilla social counterparts?

Making time for BDSM isn’t always easy but I promise you it is do-able!!  All you need is a little creativity and flexibility!!

1  Schedule Scenes and Sex

Ok, admittedly, scheduled scenes and sex don’t win you any spontaneity points in your relationships dynamic but hey, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  If you’re thinking scheduled scenes and sex aren’t very exciting, think of it this way.  You know what’s really not exciting?  Having no scenes or sex!!  If you have to wake up early to have a quickie in the shower before the rest of your clan wakes for the day, do it!  If you have to arrange childcare weeks in advance so you and your partner can scene in a motel room over the weekend, do it!!  Whatever you have to do to make that all prized alone time, DO IT!!!  Trust me, it’s worth it. 

2.  Force Yourselves to Stick to Your Schedules

Ok, so you go to the trouble of arranging a weekend getaway with your partner, finding a sitter, taking care of every little detail so your absence won’t be too dramatic for everyone to bear and when the night finally comes, one or both of you really aren’t in the mood.  I will tell you right now…PUSH PAST THAT SHIT AND TAKE YOUR EVENING AWAY TOGETHER!!  Even if you had the worse day at work in history, leave it at the office.  Even if your mate has at terrible headache, pack the whole bottle of ibuprofen and head out the door.  Even if you don’t end up scening or having sex, just being alone together is enough.  Who knows where the evening might lead once you’ve both started to unwind a little bit!

3.  Keep Your Options Open

One of the fastest ways to set yourself up for disappointment is to cling too tightly to a rigid plan.  By remaining flexible, you’re better able to roll with the punches and navigate all the little obstacles life is always throwing at us.  As a Dominant,  you should have a plan for your scenes but don’t forget to allow for script changes and rewrites.  There’s that chance to be spontaneous we were talking about earlier!  Take charge and dominate!!  As a submissive, you shouldn’t be worried about a plan anyway…your Dominant has you covered…so just relax and submit.

4.  Maintain Your Mindset

Ok, so you say you’re having a difficult time just relaxing and submitting or taking charge and dominating, huh?  It happens, especially if you’re out of practice or if you  only think of D/s or M/s in terms of scenes and/or sex.  Well, they are so much more!!  The scenes and sex aren’t really just the icing on the cake.  Make the effort to get into and maintain your shared power exchange mindset every day, not just when you’re about to play.

5.  Reinforce Your Power Exchange Daily

There are so many little ways to keep your power exchange in the forefront of your mind, even with children, families and the rest of society watching all the time.  One of the biggest lessons my Daddy Dom was able to impart to me during our 2.5 years in a long distance relationship  (LDR) was that everything I did, no matter how small or or how grand, was in fact, done in service to Him.  Mind you, we were 3,000 miles away from one another ant this time, with 2 or 3 week visits only taking place every 3 – 5 months.  He was excellent at showing me a new way to look at our dynamic so I could see all the ways in which I was of service when I was feeling like a rather displaced and completely obsolete submissive.  Setting little tasks for your partner to complete is essential in maintaining your shared mindset…just as completing those tasks will reinforce your power exchange.  Ordering the use of an anal plug has certainly assisted many high powered submissives with remembering to whom they belong.  Sometimes we all need a reminder as life is trying to get in the way.  Once you’re at the point where just a single look from your D-type can make your melt (or make you freeze, depending upon the reason for the look), you two are definitely in synch…and THAT is always a precursor to a VERY good time!!

I would like to conclude this article on Incognito BDSM by asking you all to comment below some tips or tricks you have incorporated into your dynamic or would like to incorporate into your dynamic to help you and your partner practice BDSM in front of the whole big nilla wafer world without any of them being any the wiser.  What works for you may also help someoneelse who is struggling to maintain their dynamic so please don’t hesitate to comment and keep the discussion going…

~Beautifully Broken~

The 2 Hour Rule

Last year, i learned a wonderful lesson about self control, self awareness and personal responsibility.  A very wise Dom friend taught it to a very powerful sub friend and she passed it on to me.  It is called The Two Hour Rule.

The Two Hour Rule is very simple.  If you are upset, you do NOT post anything about it on social media right away.  Instead, wait two hours and allow yourself to calm down before inviting the world into your drama.  

For one thing, most people don’t really care and for another, the ones that do care only care because it gives them ammunition to use against you.  

If after two hours you still want to post it, wait another two hours.  If after four hours you STILL want to post it, find a trusted friend with whom you can speak in confidence. 

In short, don’t blast yourself, your friends, family and dynamic all over the internet.

The 2 Hour Rule has been INVALUABLE to me as i am learning to become a more self aware and obedient submissive.  What do you think about this rule?  What are your thoughts about airing your personal business on social media in general?

~Beautifully Broken~

Practice & Guidance

Practice and Guidance are the Twin Pillars on which a good submissive is built into a great submissive.  

A sub must practice daily to successfully incorporate submission into everyday life.  Being a 24/7 sub can be much more challenging than a bottom just allowing a Top sexual or physical control.  Giving yourself over to a Dom mentally and emotionally takes serious dedication to the craft.  Submission is an artform…and all arts must be practiced if they are to improve.  

Guidance from a consistent Dominant is necessary as well.  We cannot learn if we are not taught.  We cannot meet expectations if we are unsure as to what they even are.  We cannot grow if we are not corrected and disciplined.

What are some ways that practice and guidance are incorporated into your dynamic? 

~Beautifully Broken~

The Ritual of The Conversation Game

Conversation Starters…
No matter how long you have been with your partner(s), you can always learn more about them.  You might be surprized by what you learn…or that one quirk that you just couldn’t understand might finally make sense!

Daddy and i had games of ‘Truth or Dare” and “20 Questions” over the phone when we were long distance and over the 2 1/2 years, every session lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  

Here’s a list of conversation starters i found on Pinterest to help break the ice when incorporating these types of discussions into your dynamic…and let these questions inspire you to write down your own questions AND ACTUALLY ASK them of your partner(s).  

No hang ups, no fear.  No bullshit.  This ritual requires total honesty and it doesn’t work any other way. 

If necessary, make a rule that no one can get angry/pout/agrue about anything that’s said and that any sensitive issues that come up will be discussed gently and respectfully and make sure everyone involves follows the rule.  

If you have a safeword, discuss if it can be used if the game gets too intense or make up a seperate ’emotional safeword’ to use in times of emotional distress.  

If a topic is off limits, state it outright.  You are allowed to maintain limits while still being completely honest.  Don’t ask questions to which you aren’t ready to hear the answers.  

These are the basic steps to beginning the truly open and honest communication on which our Lifestyle is built.  

And don’t forget…  HAVE FUN!!  Not every session has to be so deep, especially in the beginning.  This ritual game is a process, like everything else in our Lifestyle.  
~Beautifully Broken~

The Idea of A Collaring

I’ve read…and posted…a lot of articles about collars.  I’ve posted thousands of photos of collars.  Now, i’m even selling collars.  I think it’s only fair to discuss the meaning behind collars for a minute.  

Most of us know what each level of collar represents within the community as far as the D/s & M/s relationships go…but the personal meaning behind the idea of YOUR collar sometimes gets lost in the translation.  I know many s-types and the idea of the “collar” means something different to every single one.  The idea is so broad and vast that sometimes even the people within a couple don’t even share the same exact ideology about what their collar should and would mean.

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.  The Lifestyle relationship is no exception.  I have personally found that the level of communication and transparency within a relationship dynamic is more evolved that a vanilla relationship, but that’s just me.  Just because the option for comminication is available, though, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy to engage.  

Discussing our feelings honestly opens us up to a huge amount of vulnerability.  That vulnerability can be very scary to face, even with your most trusted of partners.  Learning and engaging in clear and effective communication takes time and it takes honesty.  It also takes a rather thick skin…which many don’t have naturally.  So, honestly discussing what a collar means can be very uncomfortable if both/all parties aren’t on the same page.

I learned long ago that a collar (or a ring, bracelet or tattoo) isn’t the magic pill to a happy relationship.  They cannot be forced and if they are, most times, they have absolutely no emotional value whatsoever.  The monetary value usually isn’t much either, in my experience.  A collar won’t shut someone up about their anxieties and it won’t make them feel more secure if the relationship is of poor quality.  

A collar won’t make that poor quality relationship better…it usually only complicates things.  Especially if you’ve posted all over social media that you were collared Tuesday and abandoned by Sunday.  I’ve seen that in our Lifestyle more times than i can count, unfortunately.  You know in your gut if you should collar or be collared or not.  Sometimes, it’s just not that point of the relationship yet.  Sometimes, it’s not the right relationship at all.

So…what does a collar REALLY mean to you?  What does it signify?  How was it discussed?  What did you have to go thru as a couple/party to get to the place that collaring, at any stage, was right for you?  Have you ever had a bad experience with a collaring?

*GIF credit to DDlgdoodles

~Beautifully Broken~

12 Piece Beginner’s Cupping Set for $21.99 +S/H

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One of the perks of merchandising all of these awesome BDSM-related items is that my Daddy and I get to experiment with everything I’m selling…for quality control 😜

This weekend, I won’t be online posting very much because Daddy and I are getting away for Halloween weekend in NYC.  We haven’t participated in a cupping scene in over a year and we’re waaaaaay overdue.  We’re both extremely excited to play with our new 6 & 12 Piece Beginner’s Cupping Set!!

The set contains 6-12 plastic cups, one hand-held pump, one piece of connection tubing and one replacement coupling piece.  The 12 cups come in 6 different graduated sizes and there are 2 of each size.  This set is VERY easy to use and is an excellent sensory play scene prop.

Feeling the cups attached onto your skin is very peaceful and extremely sensual.  The suction strength these cups provide is controlled by the hand-held pump and can be tailored to personal preferences.  When you’re ready to finish the scene, simply lift the release valve on the top of the cup to break the suction.

After the Cupping scene, the reciever is left with delicious round bruises on their skin, which can take days to fade, if the suction is strong enough.  Again, this depends on the preferences of the user/receiver.

This 12 Piece Beginner’s Cupping Set is excellent quality and because the cups are made of plastic instead of glass, the cost of the complete set is much more affordable than many other cupping sets.  This truly is the perfect set for those new to the sensation of cupping!!

To order your 12 Piece Beginner’s Cupping Set, just shoot me an email at beautifullybrokensubmissive@gmail.com with your shipping information so I can calculate the shipping costs for your Custom Purchase Invoice and I’ll get this sent out to you in just a few weeks.  You’re absolutely gonna love it!!

*The full catalogue of all my BDSM Bundles and other kinky items can be found on http://www.facebook.com/beautifullybrokensubmissiveboutique

~Beautifully Broken~

Review of Dragon/Cat/Vampire Claws from Wish

I saw these online somewhere last year.  I researched and posted about the use of the Claws for sensory play.  Since my Dom was just as intrigued by the idea as I was, onto The List they went.  And on The List they sat.  About a week ago, I was browsing on the Wish app.  I’ve found if you get creative with your keywords and description turn of phrase when searching, a whole wealth of insanely low cost BDSM props and implements are suddenly at your virtual fingertips and only a few clicks away from going into your personal toy box.

I purchased a set of 10, listed in various sizes, for $4.70 with a $2 shipping fee.  They arrived in less than two weeks.  I had originally thought I would use these Claws as the top in a sensory play scene with Daddy.  I suppose that can still happen someday…because I was dominated with them instead.

The Claws are made of a nondescript silver metal alloy.  I don’t know if prolonged use will cause irritation or discoloration on the wearer’s fingertips but I can’t imagine they could be worn comfortably for more than and hour or so.  The sizing of each ring is uniquely graduated, some fitting over the fingers just up to the nail bed better than others on Daddy, but none were unpleasant to wear.  I can only wear the small and the large sizes meant for the thumb and the pinky.  The medium size slipped completely down my finger like a ring.  They can always be sized down by wrapping the back of the band with a clear piece of tape.

The Black crystals are purely for decoration as they do sparkle in the light.  The points of the Claws are not sharpened but they aren’t blunted either.  They don’t leave scratch marks on the skin, even when more than moderate pressure is applied but they do press into the skin and grab on to pressure points and around bones.  With enough force, I do believe that the skin could be very painfully punctured (but we don’t puncture the skin when we play, even in scenes where obtaining blood is the goal).

It was an amazing scene, like tickling turned into sensation play that amped up into “dry” (bloodless) vampire/primal play and then somehow turned into a lesson in orgasm control.  The possibilities of creating various sensations while using these Claws are really only limited by imagination and comfort zone.  If you’re into any type of the scenes listed above, dark fantasy cosplay  or if you just like Gothic jewelry, I highly recommend checking out these little gems.

Wish currently offers the following selections in various colors from several different merchants:

*single piece, listed as small, medium and large

https://www.wish.com/m/c/56d13cdb7a5ac230c5037433 $1

*sets of five, listed as one size fits all, 1 small, 3 medium And 1 large with measurements

https://www.wish.com/m/c/56139450dd951313cd3e6021 $7

*sets of ten, listed as one size fits all, 2 small, 6 medium and 2 large with measurements

https://www.wish.com/m/c/531fff92a801b6674c4df55d $5

~Beautifully Broken~