Being “Little” in Relation to BDSM

A member of another group asked what being a ‘little’ was all about as this person was wondering if it was for them.  This was the best answer I could give.  What do you think about my answer?  Does it ring true for you or am I way off the mark?

On Being “Little”, in Relation to BDSM…

Ok, this is the way I see it…  We ALL have some version of a ‘little’ in us.  It’s what’s called our ‘inner child’.  Some people spend their adult lives either ignoring, being ashamed of or trying to silence him/her, but I think that is incredibly unhealthy.  I’m not saying everyone needs to indulge their inner child to the extent that some littles do but I think ignoring or trying to silence them is just as bad as over indulgence.

As adults, most of us cannot be little all the time, nor would we enjoy it.  The people who are Adult Babies every day of their lives are missing the wonderful things about being whatever adult age they are, imo.  

Being a little doesn’t have to only be about regression…it can also be about nurturing the inner child that was hurt, abused or misunderstood in some way.  The extent to which we let our little “out” depends on personal preference and on our partner’s comfortability with the issue.  My Dom…my Daddy Dom, actually…enjoys when I can relax enough and find time enough to indulge my little but I don’t think He would ever want to see me as the ‘third child’ in our family.  He loves, appreciates and needs my adult self to be the driving force in our dynamic.  And that’s ok because it works for both of us.

Some littles like babydoll nighties & frilly dresses, all white and pink…some of us, instead, like the Lolita fashion of corsets and garters.  It’s all up to the person, with the consideration of their partner, if they so choose it to be.  

YOU ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL!!  You aren’t crazy or bad or childish for wanting to explore this side of you.  You don’t have to have tea parties with stuffies or suck a pacifier to be little.  I don’t.  It’s all about what actions and behaviors nurture YOUR inner child in a healthy and consensual manner.

~Beautifully Broken~

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The Idea of A Collaring

I’ve read…and posted…a lot of articles about collars.  I’ve posted thousands of photos of collars.  Now, i’m even selling collars.  I think it’s only fair to discuss the meaning behind collars for a minute.  

Most of us know what each level of collar represents within the community as far as the D/s & M/s relationships go…but the personal meaning behind the idea of YOUR collar sometimes gets lost in the translation.  I know many s-types and the idea of the “collar” means something different to every single one.  The idea is so broad and vast that sometimes even the people within a couple don’t even share the same exact ideology about what their collar should and would mean.

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.  The Lifestyle relationship is no exception.  I have personally found that the level of communication and transparency within a relationship dynamic is more evolved that a vanilla relationship, but that’s just me.  Just because the option for comminication is available, though, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy to engage.  

Discussing our feelings honestly opens us up to a huge amount of vulnerability.  That vulnerability can be very scary to face, even with your most trusted of partners.  Learning and engaging in clear and effective communication takes time and it takes honesty.  It also takes a rather thick skin…which many don’t have naturally.  So, honestly discussing what a collar means can be very uncomfortable if both/all parties aren’t on the same page.

I learned long ago that a collar (or a ring, bracelet or tattoo) isn’t the magic pill to a happy relationship.  They cannot be forced and if they are, most times, they have absolutely no emotional value whatsoever.  The monetary value usually isn’t much either, in my experience.  A collar won’t shut someone up about their anxieties and it won’t make them feel more secure if the relationship is of poor quality.  

A collar won’t make that poor quality relationship better…it usually only complicates things.  Especially if you’ve posted all over social media that you were collared Tuesday and abandoned by Sunday.  I’ve seen that in our Lifestyle more times than i can count, unfortunately.  You know in your gut if you should collar or be collared or not.  Sometimes, it’s just not that point of the relationship yet.  Sometimes, it’s not the right relationship at all.

So…what does a collar REALLY mean to you?  What does it signify?  How was it discussed?  What did you have to go thru as a couple/party to get to the place that collaring, at any stage, was right for you?  Have you ever had a bad experience with a collaring?

*GIF credit to DDlgdoodles

~Beautifully Broken~

Guidelines On Beginning Healthy Relationships After Prior Traumatic Experiences

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on January 22, 2016.

When people are subject to abuse and trauma in a relationship, they tend to build walls around themselves to prevent further hurt in similar future situations.  We as humans survive due to the effectiveness of our defense mechanisms.  We have learned to be cautious of certain behaviors and activities because we have been hurt in the past and don’t want to experience that pain again.  That’s a natural and normal reaction to being abused.  

Sometimes, however, those walls become so high that the walls themselves prohibit our growth and healing.  Instead of seeing the walls as appropriate cautionary reminders, we see them as inflexible guidelines by which to live the rest of our lives.  No matter the circumstances, we can fall into the trap of repeating old patterns and behaviors, even if they no longer serve us because at one time they did serve us very well.

So how do we begin to trust again and truly heal from old patterns of abuse and trauma once we find a person who is worthy of a healthy relationship?  These tips are in no particular order and I feel that we as survivors revisit each of these aspects over and over again as we heal and grow in our newfound positive relationships.

Time.  

We first need to be worthy of a healthy relationship ourselves.  Now, let me explain.  We’re ALL deserving of healthy and stable relationships but until we’re able to begin to participate in a healthy relationship with another person, we should refrain from embarking upon them.  We need to take the time to deal with our own emotional trauma, to be able to examine our own baggage of guilt and shame and to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so we can start to value ourselves once again.  

Change the tape in your head.  

Sometimes we need to learn how to respond to people without letting our past cloud our view.  It can be difficult to evaluate each relationship for what it is instead of what we fear them to be.  Fear can be healthy…but it can also become crippling if we allow it to be.  Think of all the good things in life you would have missed out on if you had been too afraid to try.

Readjust your radar.  

We need to realize that the fear that once served us is no longer applicable in every situation.  If we’re honestly trying to change our behaviors, we need to realize that other areas of our lives will be influenced by the changes we’re making.  Benefitting from those changes include understanding that the signals we give off to others are changing and as a result, the caliper of people that are attracted to our lives will begin to change as well.

Stop taking everything so personally.  

When we experience hurt, the trauma carries over into every other aspect of our lives.  Our perceptions are clouded by our experiences.  In order to truly begin to heal, we need to realize that just as our reality is tainted by our experiences, so the reality of others is tainted by their experiences as well.  Not everything someone else does or says is always about us…and truthfully, even when it is about us, it’s not our issue to overcome.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

We are only responsible for what we say and how we say it.  We aren’t responsible for what another person hears or how they relate to the information we pass along to them.  In turn, we are responsible for accepting the truth in our relationships and that includes hearing unpleasant aspects of ourselves and adapting our behavior to more appropriate behavior if those aspects are actually rooted in truth.

Give yourself a break.  

In the quest to become the best person we can be after surviving trauma and abuse, we are going to make mistakes.  Probably several mistakes.  Own up to your mistakes when you make them.  Apologize for them.  Try your damnedest not to repeat them.  That’s literally all we can do.

Realize that change, and the happiness that will follow, is possible.  

The only sure thing about human nature is that we are capable of change if we want it bad enough.  We are all deserving of safety, peace and happiness.  Attaining this state takes hard work.  It means analyzing past behavior and making adjustments when necessary.  It means doing the self examination to work through difficult, unpleasant and sometimes even painful emotions.  It means knowing that their IS light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that you’re worthy of happiness.

These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about how to proceed in healthy relationships after experiencing abusive relationships.  These words are what I’ve found to be true along my own personal journey.  

What tips on beginning healthy relationships after prior traumatic experiences would you add to this list and why would you add them?  I’d REALLY like input from both Dominants and submissives (and switches!!) on this post because as much as we discuss all the ways that Dominants help their submissives heal, we’d be remiss to assume that submissives don’t help their Dominants heal as well.  If this topic applies to you…and i think it applies to most…i’d love to hear your opinions and personal experiences.  There’s no right or wrong in healing, after all…

~Beautifully Broken~

Do Dominants and Submissives Reflect One Another As They Affect One Another…?

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on June 17, 2015

I’ve been privy to many conversations today…and maybe it’s just me putting my own spin on things…but the concept of BDSM relationships and how the actions of D-types and their s-types reflect upon one another and affect one another keeps coming up.  The D/s & M/s dynamics are multi-faceted ones and there are also many layers under the surface of each facet.  We as couples take refuge in each other…we understand our mates as no one else in the world does because we not only see the layers inside, we also know why these layers exist.

These differences are felt across the board…from sub among sub and certainly from relationship among relationship.  What can be viewed as disrespectful behavior in one dynamic is playful in another.  What is seen as abuse by one s-type is seen as primal play by another.  The difference lies in the comfort level, information level and desire level between the D and s in each particular relationship.

As far as D’s and s’s reflecting on each other, i believe that they do…but HOW they reflect upon one another is really none of anyone else’s business.  The couple that seems to endlessly fight are doing so because they are learning to navigate thru communication issues.  The couple who goes to extremes in all things are learning about limits, boundaries and self control.  The most brutal S/m couples are finding ways to heal their pain.  

What I’m saying is that the beauty of this Lifestyle is to be found when we learn from our differences among our Sisters and Brothers.  Our journies are all unique and the best we can hope to be as Lifestylers can be found when we bond thru our similarities and learn thru our differences.  We never really understand the choices or behaviors of another until they let us in or when we experience their reality ourselves.

Judge not…lest ye be judged.

~Beautifully Broken~

Answers In The Silence:  Truths and Myths About Practicing Responsible BDSM

​I was chatting online with a friend the other night who’s boyfriend wants to get more into BDSM in their relationship.  He wants to not only Top her in bed but also move towards a 24/7 power exchange.  I began explaining that going from rough, kinky sex to a full time D/s relationship was a HUGE step, one that would be best achieved by taking several small steps rather than one huge leap, working up to the ultimate goal of a 24/7 power exchange over time.  

She then informed me that this ‘BDSM thing’ was all HIS idea, not hers.  She wasn’t even sure she wanted this…especially with him ‘fooling around’ with other women.

I explained that any relationship must be built on a solid foundation of trust in order to function in a healthy and fulfilling manner.  Trust is only built though open and honest communication and consistent actions.  I suggested she talk to her boyfriend about his behaviors and told her that she needed to put everything on the table with him before they even *think* about adding any type of BDSM play or power exchange into their relationship.  

She explained that they don’t really talk…about anything uncomfortable or serious…in their relationship.  He does what he does, denies doing it and when he is ‘caught’, he just tries to pretend it never happened in the first place.  I reminded my friend that people on my treat us how we allow them to treat us and that we have the personal responsibility to speak up and act when we find that our best interests are not being considered by our partners.  I told her nothing was going to change until she made that change herself.  She responded that she thought i would say that a submissive would just accept any infidelity because the Dominant is always right.  

I explained that BDSM is all about consent and if a submissive didn’t specifically consent to outside relationships in their dynamic, then the Dominant would be in the wrong to pursue and/or hide them.  I also mentioned that sometimes the most important issues are completely discussed in the silence that is created when one partner is being deceptive.

What do you think about a person wanting to get into BDSM only because they thought they could do whatever they wanted as a Dominant or because they thought they wouldn’t have to do anything at all as a submissive?  What would you say to a person or couple in this type of situation?

~Beautifully Broken~

Attentiveness in D/s Caregiver Relationship Dynamics

Attentive…

Image Credit: Google search of ‘attentive’.  Thanks, Google ❤💋

Last week, my Dom went grocery shopping with the list that I had created for Him, per His request.  I realized MINUTES after He left the house, without His cell phone (of course), that I had forgotten to write down that we needed ketchup on that grocery list.  Ugh!!!!  

We’d had a discussion, a few days prior, about needing more ketchup and I mentioned that I wanted to start buying organic ketchup from now on, after reading all about the terrible types and amounts of preservatives used in most major brands of ketchup.  It wasn’t a huge discussion, just a quick exchange in passing while I was cooking in the kitchen.  I mentally scolded myself for the defeat that forgotten ketchup had brought upon me.  

Sigh…

So can you possibly imagine my shock and delight when Daddy returned home from grocery shopping with a bottle of ketchup??  And…it was the ORGANIC KETCHUP. 

I seriously fell in love with Him on a whole new level that day.  

Now, remembering to get my organic ketchup may not seem like a big deal…but really, it was and IS huge.  My Daddy demonstrated one instance of His consistent and absolute attentiveness to my wants and needs.  Through this condiment shopping example, I saw how He is always listening to me when i speak, absorbing and processing that new information, storing that information so that it can be accessed at a later date and then actually recalling said information exactly, whenever the need should arise, in order to fulfill one or more of my wants and/or needs.   

It still may not sound like much to some people.  I mean, isn’t listening and responding (or at least acknowledging) submissive’s wants and needs what a good Dom is supposed to do anyway?  Well, yes, it is what they are SUPPOSED to do in theory…but it’s huge when it actually happens in daily life and the moment shouldn’t be minimized nor taken for granted.  When a party in the relationship lives up to their word, especially without being asked or reminded, that party should be acknowledged and thanked for their consistent efforts.

Image Credit: http://membean.com/exemplars/attentive

I was almost in tears last night when I saw He remembered to get the pancake syrup I had (once again) forgotten to list for Him on the latest shopping list.  LIGHT SYRUP at that.  Daddy’s grocery item retention skills are really trumping my list writing skills.  However, I was not punished.  Daddy would never punish me for an honest mistake.  That’s just one of the qualities which make Him the wonderful Dominant that He is. 

These last six months of living together with my Daddy have been some of the most challenging and rewarding months I have ever lived.  I have learned so much about myself, about Him, about communication skills and about what real intimacy looks like…and how it feels.  We do get into our little tiffs, like most couples, but overall, I couldn’t be happier right now.  However, as His submissive, I have been pushing myself to measure up to some lofty expectations I had in my head of what it entails to be seen and to feel as a great live-in submissive.  I’ve been incredibly stressed at times trying to make everything work out perfectly.  Other times, everything feels so natural and I don’t have to work at submission at all, it just *is* and I just *am*.  I felt like I’ve found myself again, only this time, I like who I am becoming.  I think Daddy needed to show me that although I am very much in service to Him, He also, in very realistic manners, is in service to me.

Now, I know that last line can be taken as fairly contradictory and/or controversial to some per our D/s Caregiver power exchange dynamic but honestly, I don’t really care.  D/s cannot exist inside a vacuum and to us it isn’t only shades of black or white.  Nor is it ’50 Shades of Grey’.  Our relationship dynamic is exactly that…OURS…and I know we are very blessed to be able to truly see one another in this manner.  He remembers everything I need Him to remember and I know He sees everything that I need Him to see, just as I do in return for Him.  And I’ve always known that…but it is always nice to be reminded.  Those little reminders are what gives me the strength to proceed with confidence as it fuels my dedication to my wonderful  Family and my amazing Daddy ❤

~Beautifully Broken~

Four Ways To Fight Clean

Image and inspirational credit to Blush at http://pin.it/FD9ZdK3

I’ll be honest here…I almost bypassed this meme without saving it because I had no intentions of posting it.  You see, I use these internet memes that I find to spark inspiration for my writing.  When I saw this one, it stopped me, but I thought,  “This is completely inapplicable.  D/s and especially M/s relationship don’t ‘fight’, they discuss”.  
Yeah. Maybe in a perfect world…or maybe if you or your partner(s) just aren’t the excitable type when tensions arise.  

If that’s the case, good for you!  Otherwise, you’re like the rest of us who do, occasionally, lose our cool when we become hyper emotional, no matter our relationship dynamic.  I gave this list a second glance and then I saved it so I could share it here. 

Fighting in a relationship isn’t productive.  Discussions are what is productive and that’s what most strive for when communicating uncomfortable or intense ideas to our partner(s).  Self control and personal responsibility are never to be forgotten in any relationship, but especially not with your significant other(s).  

The rules of your power exchange should also always apply, no matter the circumstances or expressed emotions, unless of course, the dynamic has made special allowances specifically for such events.  Otherwise, most s-type would be ill-advised to lash out at their D-type…but unfortunately, it does happen.

These four steps are guidelines to learning new behaviors during an intense or emotional discussion with your partner(s).  Taking a moment to remember these points when you are upset will definitely save a lot of unnecessary tears, snger, distrust and punishments.

What are some other steps you take when you’re upset or emotional so that you don’t fight with your partner(s)?

~Beautifully Broken~

Fall Enrichment 

​Today is the Autumnal Equinox, which means it is the first day of Autumn in the Northern Hemisphere.  On the first day of Autumn, the hours of light and the hours of darkness are equal.  After today, the hours of daylight will become shorter in the Northern Hemisphere and longer in the Southern Hemisphere.  

Pagan ritual celebrates this celestial event as the holiday of Mabon.  Mabon rituals focus on balance, change and a shift into darkness as we head into harvest and winter in the Northern Hemisphere.  This is a time to remember that darkness isn’t inherently bad or evil, but rather, darkness is simply the counterpart to light.  There can be no light without darkness, making both necessary and important.

Today’s message of the eternal struggles of change v. balance and dark v. light strikes a major cord with me.  This is a time for reflection…of reaping what we have sown.  Today, I’m reflecting on issues I’m facing and the ways that those struggles have enriched my life.

What are some things you can reflect upon today, personally or within the context of your relationship dynamic concerning the topics of change, balance and looking at the ‘darkness’ in yourself to see what you can learn from it?  How can you use the energies of today to aid in your own Fall Enrichment?

Some topics to consider for reflection on balance, darkness and change…

1.)  Today is all about finding balance…and what better way to find balance and access your core than through yoga poses!?  Are poses and positioning an aspect of your dynamic?  If so, tell us about it.  If not, are posturing and positioning something you would consider incorporating into your dynamic?

2.)  Are you (or your partner) a sadist?  If so, what’s you favorite type of sadomasochistic play…physical, emotional and/or mental?  If not, can you tolerate any S&m play?  Hard limit?  NMK?

3.)  Change is enviable.  All we can do is deal with it with as much grace and poise as possible.

~Beautifully Broken~

​Making Time For BDSM In Your Daily Life

Above everything else, BDSM is a mindset.

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) is an abstract construct which encompasses all of the physical acts of both sexual and non-sexual dominance and submission.  Many people have asked what it takes to keep a BDSM relationship going long term, in both scene-only and 24/7 dynamics.  The answer is simple.

It takes dedication.

We all have busy lives.  Pursuing careers, responding to family obligations, fulfilling  volunteer work, raising children, keeping in touch with friends and family, satisfying household responsibilities are issues we all face.  We all have learned how to juggle our commitments very well.

Unfortunately, keeping so many different balls in the air sometimes means that other areas get neglected.  It happens.  However, making time for those relationships and activities which are important to us needs to be just as much of a priority as everything else we do in our busy day.  There’s a saying which states, “If it matters to you, you will find a way.  If it doesn’t matter to you, you will find an excuse”.  I think this saying definitely applies to our Lifestyle relationships.

We make time for what is important to us.  Plain and simple.  If you have to get the kids to bed early so you and your SO can have a quiet S&M session, do it.  If you have to find childcare so you and your SO can go on a weekend getaway a few times a year, do it.  If you have to wake up early so you and your SO can have some uninterrupted shower sex before cooking breakfast, do it.  Be creative!!  Have fun with your scheduling.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking scheduled sex and scenes kills the romance.  Ya know what does kill the romance?  Not having the time for any sex or scenes!!  It’s all about your shared mindset.  If you both want it bad enough, make it happen.

Okay, so you say you desperately want to make time to play with your SO but every time a scheduled sex and/or scene arrives, one of you isn’t in the mood.  What then?  Well, obviously things come up and life gets in the way…but sometimes you need to push past those feelings in order to get into that BDSM mindset.  Sending naughty, or downright dirty, texts to one another throughout the day will ignite your passions so much that you’re counting the minutes until your scheduled session later that evening.  Inserting an anal plug and/or adorning nipple clamps under your clothing as you finish work, per your D-type’s orders, can help you leave Type A Personality Woman at the office and more easily transition to His Stupid Whore by the time you arrive Home.  Listening to selections from the BDSM music playlist from your last session on the way Home from work can help you shake off your shitty day and help you transform back into the Dominant you know you are.  If it matters to you, you WILL find a way.  If not…well, you know where this is going.

What are some ways you and your SO make time to nurture and evolve your BDSM relationship?  Can you share any tips you have learned that might help others?

~Beautifully Broken~

A Glimpse of The Evolution of Edging

“Sometimes I Need Reminding, But It Gets Easier…” was the original title of this post…because sometimes I do…and His tongue always reminds me.

I’ll be honest here.  I used to get VERY snippy and frustrated when Daddy wouldn’t allow me to climax for more than 2-3 days.  By Day 5, I could be a straight up bitch.  I know that sounds awful…but it’s something I’m still working on after all this time and I’m much better at controling my  emotions now.  For me, keeping my libido in check was MUCH harder when we were long distance…just having Him around every day for snuggles, hugs and kisses helps a lot when He decides it’s ‘Blow Job and Back Rub Week’.  Daddy never goes for more than a day without blowing His wad…unless He’s in one of His ‘Tease and Deny’ moods…and He almost always gets an hour massage before going to sleep every night so constantly touching Him is usually the release I need if He is denying me.  But.  Some night.  Some nights, touching and massaging Him, alone together, in the dark, is enough to drive me positively mad.  I know, I know…it’s not about me…but i still need to have my internal coping mechanisms for such situations.

Sometimes it amazes me how far we’ve come in just 2 1/2 years.  When we began our relationship, I was very insecure about so many different things…myself, my prospective relationship with Him, anything having to do with my future and my sobriety…I was a wreck.  Daddy walked with me in Spirit every single day, from across the country, while I worked to get my life back on track.  Along the way, I helped Him break through  some walls that He never thought were coming down.  We loved each other enough to let us each become the people we were always meant to be.  It’s rare when you find that…everyone wants you to change for them.  Here, we were changing for ourselves…and that’s why the changes stuck.

Now, since Daddy’s living here with me, I don’t get too bad when Daddy wants to deny me.  I don’t get angry, offended or upset, like I used to do that first year of our LDR.  I understand and appreciate our dynamic much more clearly.  Plus, when He finally allows me to cum…it’s not just sex, it’s a spiritual experience.  Phone sex was fantastic when that’s all we had to express our intimacy and lust.  Visits were wonderful but they were always foreshadowed with knowledge of their eventual end.  All of that is finally behind us.  Daddy’s Home now…and being in O/our bed together every night is…perfection 💙

~Beautifully Broken~