Practice & Guidance

Practice and Guidance are the Twin Pillars on which a good submissive is built into a great submissive.  

A sub must practice daily to successfully incorporate submission into everyday life.  Being a 24/7 sub can be much more challenging than a bottom just allowing a Top sexual or physical control.  Giving yourself over to a Dom mentally and emotionally takes serious dedication to the craft.  Submission is an artform…and all arts must be practiced if they are to improve.  

Guidance from a consistent Dominant is necessary as well.  We cannot learn if we are not taught.  We cannot meet expectations if we are unsure as to what they even are.  We cannot grow if we are not corrected and disciplined.

What are some ways that practice and guidance are incorporated into your dynamic? 

~Beautifully Broken~

The Ritual of The Conversation Game

Conversation Starters…
No matter how long you have been with your partner(s), you can always learn more about them.  You might be surprized by what you learn…or that one quirk that you just couldn’t understand might finally make sense!

Daddy and i had games of ‘Truth or Dare” and “20 Questions” over the phone when we were long distance and over the 2 1/2 years, every session lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  

Here’s a list of conversation starters i found on Pinterest to help break the ice when incorporating these types of discussions into your dynamic…and let these questions inspire you to write down your own questions AND ACTUALLY ASK them of your partner(s).  

No hang ups, no fear.  No bullshit.  This ritual requires total honesty and it doesn’t work any other way. 

If necessary, make a rule that no one can get angry/pout/agrue about anything that’s said and that any sensitive issues that come up will be discussed gently and respectfully and make sure everyone involves follows the rule.  

If you have a safeword, discuss if it can be used if the game gets too intense or make up a seperate ’emotional safeword’ to use in times of emotional distress.  

If a topic is off limits, state it outright.  You are allowed to maintain limits while still being completely honest.  Don’t ask questions to which you aren’t ready to hear the answers.  

These are the basic steps to beginning the truly open and honest communication on which our Lifestyle is built.  

And don’t forget…  HAVE FUN!!  Not every session has to be so deep, especially in the beginning.  This ritual game is a process, like everything else in our Lifestyle.  
~Beautifully Broken~

A Poem About Pain…

​When it hurts, i want to run

But there’s nowhere to go.

So i’d take the blade up to my skin…

And cut it nice and slow.
Now that i have finally learned 

How to be just who i am,

The blood no longer flows 

Like water thru a broken dam
He taught me how to stand up

Brave and tall, i always stand my ground

He did this because there will be a time

When He is not around.
He told me that i must not break

I am too strong, the mighty Cat

He showed me that i can survive

Without hurting myself like that.
If pain is needed, HE gives it out

As it is His cross to bear

For once He’s gone, i need to know

In my heart, our blood, He’s there…
~Beautifully Broken~

The Idea of A Collaring

I’ve read…and posted…a lot of articles about collars.  I’ve posted thousands of photos of collars.  Now, i’m even selling collars.  I think it’s only fair to discuss the meaning behind collars for a minute.  

Most of us know what each level of collar represents within the community as far as the D/s & M/s relationships go…but the personal meaning behind the idea of YOUR collar sometimes gets lost in the translation.  I know many s-types and the idea of the “collar” means something different to every single one.  The idea is so broad and vast that sometimes even the people within a couple don’t even share the same exact ideology about what their collar should and would mean.

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.  The Lifestyle relationship is no exception.  I have personally found that the level of communication and transparency within a relationship dynamic is more evolved that a vanilla relationship, but that’s just me.  Just because the option for comminication is available, though, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy to engage.  

Discussing our feelings honestly opens us up to a huge amount of vulnerability.  That vulnerability can be very scary to face, even with your most trusted of partners.  Learning and engaging in clear and effective communication takes time and it takes honesty.  It also takes a rather thick skin…which many don’t have naturally.  So, honestly discussing what a collar means can be very uncomfortable if both/all parties aren’t on the same page.

I learned long ago that a collar (or a ring, bracelet or tattoo) isn’t the magic pill to a happy relationship.  They cannot be forced and if they are, most times, they have absolutely no emotional value whatsoever.  The monetary value usually isn’t much either, in my experience.  A collar won’t shut someone up about their anxieties and it won’t make them feel more secure if the relationship is of poor quality.  

A collar won’t make that poor quality relationship better…it usually only complicates things.  Especially if you’ve posted all over social media that you were collared Tuesday and abandoned by Sunday.  I’ve seen that in our Lifestyle more times than i can count, unfortunately.  You know in your gut if you should collar or be collared or not.  Sometimes, it’s just not that point of the relationship yet.  Sometimes, it’s not the right relationship at all.

So…what does a collar REALLY mean to you?  What does it signify?  How was it discussed?  What did you have to go thru as a couple/party to get to the place that collaring, at any stage, was right for you?  Have you ever had a bad experience with a collaring?

*GIF credit to DDlgdoodles

~Beautifully Broken~

Three Years Ago…

…I was in the worst place I had ever been.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, I was completely bankrupt.  My vanilla marriage was crashing and burning, thrashing about in its agony, yet it just would not die.  I had stopped eating, cleaning the house, showering, doing laundry.  I could barely take care of my boys I was so mired down in my hellish depression.  EVERY OUNCE of energy I had each day went towards keeping them clean, fed and content.  I hated my life…but i loved my kids.  

I felt my 65 months of sobriety slipping away…and I had zero fuck to give.  I had just started talking to this guy in California thru Facebook’s messenger.  He seemed pretty cool…but a million miles away.  I told Him in needed a Dom.  He told me that I needed to listen to Him and not use.  I promised I wouldn’t.  I used later that afternoon.  I told Him what I had done and how I knew I was going to do it again…so I was checking myself into rehab.  He said He was proud of me and that He’d be there waiting when I got out.  That was the beginning of our dynamic.

Daddy looked right into the deepest, darkest part of me and found another like Himself.  I don’t know what He thought we’d become but He began micromanaging my every minute of my day (at my request) about a month after I got out of the hospital.  My household chores, my meal planning and preparation, my free time, all of it was at His discretion, even though He was 3,000 miles away.

Now, three years later, I’m in Phlebotomy classes, running and branding a new business, managing the household and caring for the children, all with His help, as He moved across country to live with us about 10 months ago.  Our lives have changed so dramatically and we’ve all come so incredibly far.  I couldn’t be more proud to be His submissive, His wife, His partner…and their Mother.  And He’s their Papa…their full time male role model.  Their Father.

I’m beyond grateful and happy right now and it’s even sweeter still because I can still remember that bitter twang on the back of my tongue back when everything was sour.  The only sweetness was the little bits of hope He taught me to see as His submissive…and slowly , we began making our dreams come true.

Happy Three Year Anniversary , Daddy !  I love You more than words can ever express.  Thank You for walking with me along our incredible journey.

~Beautifully Broken~

Finding Your Personal Balance of Submission And Independence 

I’ve often heard a newly enthralled couple stating things like, “You complete me’, to one another in person and in social media comments, as they coo and snuggle together (virtually, if need be).  We’ve read posts in this very group where couples have described themselves as being “everything” to each other, the “end all and be all” of their “universe”.  The flowery words of poetic sentiment, describing the emotions (as explosive fireworks and as paralyzing electricity) of a new relationship can get pretty racy pretty quickly.  Add in the extra intensity of a newly forged BDSM relationship and I’ve even heard the phrase, “Death means nothing”, in reference to the strength of the bond between the two parties.  (Oh wait, I remember where I’ve heard that.  I said it.  More than once.)

Are those poetic participles of passion a bit sappy and ultimately meaningless?  Yes, definitely…and no, not at all.

As with everything else, perception of the circumstances is key and everything is relative.  Semantics get in the way and all art gets torn from the moment.  And that’s good.  Sometimes we need to see what’s really going on right before our eyes in the absolute most objective way possible.

All of the memories of all those sweet words which were once whispered into your ear will not be enough to keep you from breaking down should the relationship come to an untimely end.  In fact, if you’re like most people, simply recalling the sentimentality of those words of love will make you want to scream when thought of after the relationship is ended.  It doesn’t matter how it ends either.  Only multally amicable partings are not completely devastating.  Otherwise, someone’s either cursing or praising the other’s name, depending ding on just how their partner exited the scene.

We are all very hard on ourselves on a daily basis.  Some of us even have protocol in our dynanic’s about negative self talk and defamatory remarks about our D-type’s property.  Talking and even thinking poorly of oneself is extremely unhealthy and counterproductive.  Most Doms will put guidelines into play because of the severity of psychological damage that comes along with that type of behavior.  Yet many of us still do it every single day.  Why?

I believe that a major reason for this type of negative attitude is because of deeply rooted insecurities which have gained a foothold in our psyche, going as far back as early childhood in some cases.  This type of discord brings about a lack of confidence, massive insecurities and low self esteem.  Exhibiting those negative traits makes for the perfect storm of neurosis, a breeding ground for poor, and even dangerous, life choices which are doomed from the start.  Living with all of those underlying psychological issues, all the while avoiding the  uncomfortable…and downright scary…root of the emotional turmoil (which triggered the occurrences of the negative and unhealthy coping mechanisms in the first place) only sets us up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, abandonment, distrust or what have you.

Sometimes a person can only begin to see themselves for who and what they really are by looking at themselves through the eyes of another person.  This type of objectivity is the main focus of cognitive therapy.  Sometimes a person can only begin to change their behavior for the better when given the directives to do so by another person they deem “in authority” per whatever qualifications they feel are important at the time.  I can see why patients are sometimes known to transfer strong emotions, and even sexual energy, onto their therapists.  Therapists are trained to deal with this occurrence and are honor bound not to encourage that type of behavior.  The rules for such transference aren’t so clear for many people, Lifestyle or otherwise, when this type of intense relationship occurs between people when other attractions are also present.

Participation in therapy is a requirement for many dynamics and BDSM should not be a substitute for that therapy in any way.  The dependence an s-type feels toward his/her D-type can be incredibly strong, the emotions can become almost overpowering, but any relationship, Lifestyle or otherwise, cannot be your whole universe.

No one can be your rock.  Rocks come and go.  You must be your own rock, first and foremost.  It’s wonderful to love someone, it’s spiritual to submit to someone…and it’s tragically painful to be left by someone.  I’m not saying to hold back your love or your submission but one MUST have a strong foundation of self-worth and belief in self-reliance before control can be given to another in any meaningful way.  I know, I “submitted ” before I was ready a few times…and in all but one case, I was damaged by the experience, to one degree or another.  All that pain and heartache can be easily avoided by simply taking your time with vetting, questioning, interviewing and negotiating with prospective partners…but it takes a healthy sense of self-worth to be able to learn how to do that and avoid the siren song of subfrenzy.

~Beautifully Broken~

Review of Dragon/Cat/Vampire Claws from Wish

I saw these online somewhere last year.  I researched and posted about the use of the Claws for sensory play.  Since my Dom was just as intrigued by the idea as I was, onto The List they went.  And on The List they sat.  About a week ago, I was browsing on the Wish app.  I’ve found if you get creative with your keywords and description turn of phrase when searching, a whole wealth of insanely low cost BDSM props and implements are suddenly at your virtual fingertips and only a few clicks away from going into your personal toy box.

I purchased a set of 10, listed in various sizes, for $4.70 with a $2 shipping fee.  They arrived in less than two weeks.  I had originally thought I would use these Claws as the top in a sensory play scene with Daddy.  I suppose that can still happen someday…because I was dominated with them instead.

The Claws are made of a nondescript silver metal alloy.  I don’t know if prolonged use will cause irritation or discoloration on the wearer’s fingertips but I can’t imagine they could be worn comfortably for more than and hour or so.  The sizing of each ring is uniquely graduated, some fitting over the fingers just up to the nail bed better than others on Daddy, but none were unpleasant to wear.  I can only wear the small and the large sizes meant for the thumb and the pinky.  The medium size slipped completely down my finger like a ring.  They can always be sized down by wrapping the back of the band with a clear piece of tape.

The Black crystals are purely for decoration as they do sparkle in the light.  The points of the Claws are not sharpened but they aren’t blunted either.  They don’t leave scratch marks on the skin, even when more than moderate pressure is applied but they do press into the skin and grab on to pressure points and around bones.  With enough force, I do believe that the skin could be very painfully punctured (but we don’t puncture the skin when we play, even in scenes where obtaining blood is the goal).

It was an amazing scene, like tickling turned into sensation play that amped up into “dry” (bloodless) vampire/primal play and then somehow turned into a lesson in orgasm control.  The possibilities of creating various sensations while using these Claws are really only limited by imagination and comfort zone.  If you’re into any type of the scenes listed above, dark fantasy cosplay  or if you just like Gothic jewelry, I highly recommend checking out these little gems.

Wish currently offers the following selections in various colors from several different merchants:

*single piece, listed as small, medium and large

https://www.wish.com/m/c/56d13cdb7a5ac230c5037433 $1

*sets of five, listed as one size fits all, 1 small, 3 medium And 1 large with measurements

https://www.wish.com/m/c/56139450dd951313cd3e6021 $7

*sets of ten, listed as one size fits all, 2 small, 6 medium and 2 large with measurements

https://www.wish.com/m/c/531fff92a801b6674c4df55d $5

~Beautifully Broken~

Guidelines On Beginning Healthy Relationships After Prior Traumatic Experiences

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on January 22, 2016.

When people are subject to abuse and trauma in a relationship, they tend to build walls around themselves to prevent further hurt in similar future situations.  We as humans survive due to the effectiveness of our defense mechanisms.  We have learned to be cautious of certain behaviors and activities because we have been hurt in the past and don’t want to experience that pain again.  That’s a natural and normal reaction to being abused.  

Sometimes, however, those walls become so high that the walls themselves prohibit our growth and healing.  Instead of seeing the walls as appropriate cautionary reminders, we see them as inflexible guidelines by which to live the rest of our lives.  No matter the circumstances, we can fall into the trap of repeating old patterns and behaviors, even if they no longer serve us because at one time they did serve us very well.

So how do we begin to trust again and truly heal from old patterns of abuse and trauma once we find a person who is worthy of a healthy relationship?  These tips are in no particular order and I feel that we as survivors revisit each of these aspects over and over again as we heal and grow in our newfound positive relationships.

Time.  

We first need to be worthy of a healthy relationship ourselves.  Now, let me explain.  We’re ALL deserving of healthy and stable relationships but until we’re able to begin to participate in a healthy relationship with another person, we should refrain from embarking upon them.  We need to take the time to deal with our own emotional trauma, to be able to examine our own baggage of guilt and shame and to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so we can start to value ourselves once again.  

Change the tape in your head.  

Sometimes we need to learn how to respond to people without letting our past cloud our view.  It can be difficult to evaluate each relationship for what it is instead of what we fear them to be.  Fear can be healthy…but it can also become crippling if we allow it to be.  Think of all the good things in life you would have missed out on if you had been too afraid to try.

Readjust your radar.  

We need to realize that the fear that once served us is no longer applicable in every situation.  If we’re honestly trying to change our behaviors, we need to realize that other areas of our lives will be influenced by the changes we’re making.  Benefitting from those changes include understanding that the signals we give off to others are changing and as a result, the caliper of people that are attracted to our lives will begin to change as well.

Stop taking everything so personally.  

When we experience hurt, the trauma carries over into every other aspect of our lives.  Our perceptions are clouded by our experiences.  In order to truly begin to heal, we need to realize that just as our reality is tainted by our experiences, so the reality of others is tainted by their experiences as well.  Not everything someone else does or says is always about us…and truthfully, even when it is about us, it’s not our issue to overcome.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

We are only responsible for what we say and how we say it.  We aren’t responsible for what another person hears or how they relate to the information we pass along to them.  In turn, we are responsible for accepting the truth in our relationships and that includes hearing unpleasant aspects of ourselves and adapting our behavior to more appropriate behavior if those aspects are actually rooted in truth.

Give yourself a break.  

In the quest to become the best person we can be after surviving trauma and abuse, we are going to make mistakes.  Probably several mistakes.  Own up to your mistakes when you make them.  Apologize for them.  Try your damnedest not to repeat them.  That’s literally all we can do.

Realize that change, and the happiness that will follow, is possible.  

The only sure thing about human nature is that we are capable of change if we want it bad enough.  We are all deserving of safety, peace and happiness.  Attaining this state takes hard work.  It means analyzing past behavior and making adjustments when necessary.  It means doing the self examination to work through difficult, unpleasant and sometimes even painful emotions.  It means knowing that their IS light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that you’re worthy of happiness.

These are just my personal thoughts and feelings about how to proceed in healthy relationships after experiencing abusive relationships.  These words are what I’ve found to be true along my own personal journey.  

What tips on beginning healthy relationships after prior traumatic experiences would you add to this list and why would you add them?  I’d REALLY like input from both Dominants and submissives (and switches!!) on this post because as much as we discuss all the ways that Dominants help their submissives heal, we’d be remiss to assume that submissives don’t help their Dominants heal as well.  If this topic applies to you…and i think it applies to most…i’d love to hear your opinions and personal experiences.  There’s no right or wrong in healing, after all…

~Beautifully Broken~

What Is a Soul Mate? 

*Originally written and posted to Facebook on September 19, 2015.

​I believe that a “soul mate” is a mirror.  By looking into this mirror, we see ourselves clearly, without judgment or disrespect.  We are forced to acknowledge that our faults and flaws are our own and that we are ultimately responsible for dealing with our own issues.  Many people are only able to be with their soul mate for a finite period of time because constantly peering into the mirror is exhausting and draining.  

Our soul mate isn’t only responsible for stroking our ego and telling us how wonderful we are.  The functionality is much deeper.  We choose to see ourselves as our soul mate sees us so we can begin to face our fears and self-imposed limitations…and ultimately overcome them.  

Do you believe in the concept of a soul mate?  If so, does your definition match up with mine…or is a soul mate something entirely different to you?

~Beautifully Broken~