Incognito BDSM 

When we think ‘BDSM’ so many people, kinky and ‘nilla wafer’ alike, conjure up this ultra sexual imagery, consisting of a dungeon full of whips, chains and a gorgeous female submissive being roughly used by a smoking hot male Dominant.   Sure, that scenario is valid enough but it certainly isn’t the end all, be all of BDSM.

As you probably already know, the acronym BDSM stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism”.   There is no outward mention of sex because BDSM doesnt have to include any type of sex at all.  That’s strictly up to the consenting parties.  Also, being sexual and having sex are two completely different things…both great…but still very different.

In today’s world, we have so many responsibilities and obligations that demand our time.  Jobs, careers, school, children, families, aging parents, partners, volunteer work, household chores, the ever elusive “me time”…they all demand to be satisfied or our lives just don’t function as they should.  So how do we fit BDSM-related topics and activities into our day…especially when our days are so full and being watched like hawks by all our non-approving vanilla social counterparts?

Making time for BDSM isn’t always easy but I promise you it is do-able!!  All you need is a little creativity and flexibility!!

1  Schedule Scenes and Sex

Ok, admittedly, scheduled scenes and sex don’t win you any spontaneity points in your relationships dynamic but hey, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  If you’re thinking scheduled scenes and sex aren’t very exciting, think of it this way.  You know what’s really not exciting?  Having no scenes or sex!!  If you have to wake up early to have a quickie in the shower before the rest of your clan wakes for the day, do it!  If you have to arrange childcare weeks in advance so you and your partner can scene in a motel room over the weekend, do it!!  Whatever you have to do to make that all prized alone time, DO IT!!!  Trust me, it’s worth it. 

2.  Force Yourselves to Stick to Your Schedules

Ok, so you go to the trouble of arranging a weekend getaway with your partner, finding a sitter, taking care of every little detail so your absence won’t be too dramatic for everyone to bear and when the night finally comes, one or both of you really aren’t in the mood.  I will tell you right now…PUSH PAST THAT SHIT AND TAKE YOUR EVENING AWAY TOGETHER!!  Even if you had the worse day at work in history, leave it at the office.  Even if your mate has at terrible headache, pack the whole bottle of ibuprofen and head out the door.  Even if you don’t end up scening or having sex, just being alone together is enough.  Who knows where the evening might lead once you’ve both started to unwind a little bit!

3.  Keep Your Options Open

One of the fastest ways to set yourself up for disappointment is to cling too tightly to a rigid plan.  By remaining flexible, you’re better able to roll with the punches and navigate all the little obstacles life is always throwing at us.  As a Dominant,  you should have a plan for your scenes but don’t forget to allow for script changes and rewrites.  There’s that chance to be spontaneous we were talking about earlier!  Take charge and dominate!!  As a submissive, you shouldn’t be worried about a plan anyway…your Dominant has you covered…so just relax and submit.

4.  Maintain Your Mindset

Ok, so you say you’re having a difficult time just relaxing and submitting or taking charge and dominating, huh?  It happens, especially if you’re out of practice or if you  only think of D/s or M/s in terms of scenes and/or sex.  Well, they are so much more!!  The scenes and sex aren’t really just the icing on the cake.  Make the effort to get into and maintain your shared power exchange mindset every day, not just when you’re about to play.

5.  Reinforce Your Power Exchange Daily

There are so many little ways to keep your power exchange in the forefront of your mind, even with children, families and the rest of society watching all the time.  One of the biggest lessons my Daddy Dom was able to impart to me during our 2.5 years in a long distance relationship  (LDR) was that everything I did, no matter how small or or how grand, was in fact, done in service to Him.  Mind you, we were 3,000 miles away from one another ant this time, with 2 or 3 week visits only taking place every 3 – 5 months.  He was excellent at showing me a new way to look at our dynamic so I could see all the ways in which I was of service when I was feeling like a rather displaced and completely obsolete submissive.  Setting little tasks for your partner to complete is essential in maintaining your shared mindset…just as completing those tasks will reinforce your power exchange.  Ordering the use of an anal plug has certainly assisted many high powered submissives with remembering to whom they belong.  Sometimes we all need a reminder as life is trying to get in the way.  Once you’re at the point where just a single look from your D-type can make your melt (or make you freeze, depending upon the reason for the look), you two are definitely in synch…and THAT is always a precursor to a VERY good time!!

I would like to conclude this article on Incognito BDSM by asking you all to comment below some tips or tricks you have incorporated into your dynamic or would like to incorporate into your dynamic to help you and your partner practice BDSM in front of the whole big nilla wafer world without any of them being any the wiser.  What works for you may also help someoneelse who is struggling to maintain their dynamic so please don’t hesitate to comment and keep the discussion going…

~Beautifully Broken~

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Where’d My Little Go…?

Submission isn’t supposed to be weak.  We don’t submit because we are frail & have no other choice but to have Another rule our daily life.  In fact, the choice to submit must be our own if it is to be meaningful at all.  Respect cannot be insitsted upon, nor can domination be demanded, neither aggressively nor passively.  Submission must be a choice.

When i was very new to the Lifestyle, 15 or so years ago, i had the dicotomy all wrong.  I bought into the falicy that i was supposed to be this shrinking violet, a fragile waif of a girl who should be thankful that a big, strong, capable man was offering to make all my sexual fantasies come true.  It was laughable…especially since i was then & always have been a very dominating personality in most of my interpersonal relationships.  I am a natural leader, a caregiver and a go-to gal.  I didn’t think that boded well for a submissive so i played those aspects of my personality waaaaay down for many years.

Now, i understand that any D-type with which i would want a deep relationship would not want a little lost girl as His s-type.  Brian has said time & time again that He doesn’t want a Stepford sub, someone incapable of leading herself.  

It is because of my strength that He is honored to dominate me.  He knows how vulnerable i am when i allow myself to be dominated, how much of my will i sacrifice for His on a daily basis & just what it means to me to relinquish that control.  He wouldn’t have anything to control if i had nothing to offer Him.  Other D-types may feel differently, but their feelings are of no consequence to me.

So, establishing that s-types are strong and capable, what happens when we don’t feel so strong…or when we don’t want to be strong??

I have heard s-types who identify as littles say it is abuse when their D-type tells them to be an adult.  I don’t feel that way, but i can understand their reasoning.  It’s very hard to accept being told to silence an aspect of yourself.  It’s even harder to have the topic ignored entirely.  

Sometimes tho, there is no time or place to be little in daily life.  Sometimes our D-types cannot be that safe, warm place in which we can hide or frolic…and that reality is a harsh one.  It can be difficult to let your little back out after so long adulting.  Vulnerability of that magnitude cannot be forced or dialed up on command.

So my question is this…  

What do you do in your dynamic when your Daddy isn’t Daddying and your submissive little is adulting?  How do you find that balance between work (service) & play (being little)?

~Beautifully Broken~

The 2 Hour Rule

Last year, i learned a wonderful lesson about self control, self awareness and personal responsibility.  A very wise Dom friend taught it to a very powerful sub friend and she passed it on to me.  It is called The Two Hour Rule.

The Two Hour Rule is very simple.  If you are upset, you do NOT post anything about it on social media right away.  Instead, wait two hours and allow yourself to calm down before inviting the world into your drama.  

For one thing, most people don’t really care and for another, the ones that do care only care because it gives them ammunition to use against you.  

If after two hours you still want to post it, wait another two hours.  If after four hours you STILL want to post it, find a trusted friend with whom you can speak in confidence. 

In short, don’t blast yourself, your friends, family and dynamic all over the internet.

The 2 Hour Rule has been INVALUABLE to me as i am learning to become a more self aware and obedient submissive.  What do you think about this rule?  What are your thoughts about airing your personal business on social media in general?

~Beautifully Broken~

Practice & Guidance

Practice and Guidance are the Twin Pillars on which a good submissive is built into a great submissive.  

A sub must practice daily to successfully incorporate submission into everyday life.  Being a 24/7 sub can be much more challenging than a bottom just allowing a Top sexual or physical control.  Giving yourself over to a Dom mentally and emotionally takes serious dedication to the craft.  Submission is an artform…and all arts must be practiced if they are to improve.  

Guidance from a consistent Dominant is necessary as well.  We cannot learn if we are not taught.  We cannot meet expectations if we are unsure as to what they even are.  We cannot grow if we are not corrected and disciplined.

What are some ways that practice and guidance are incorporated into your dynamic? 

~Beautifully Broken~