Tag: Rituals

Fall Enrichment 

September 22, 2016

​Today is the Autumnal Equinox, which means it is the first day of Autumn in the Northern Hemisphere.  On the first day of Autumn, the hours of light and the hours of darkness are equal.  After today, the hours of daylight will become shorter in the Northern Hemisphere and longer in the Southern Hemisphere.  

Pagan ritual celebrates this celestial event as the holiday of Mabon.  Mabon rituals focus on balance, change and a shift into darkness as we head into harvest and winter in the Northern Hemisphere.  This is a time to remember that darkness isn’t inherently bad or evil, but rather, darkness is simply the counterpart to light.  There can be no light without darkness, making both necessary and important.

Today’s message of the eternal struggles of change v. balance and dark v. light strikes a major cord with me.  This is a time for reflection…of reaping what we have sown.  Today, I’m reflecting on issues I’m facing and the ways that those struggles have enriched my life.

What are some things you can reflect upon today, personally or within the context of your relationship dynamic concerning the topics of change, balance and looking at the ‘darkness’ in yourself to see what you can learn from it?  How can you use the energies of today to aid in your own Fall Enrichment?

Some topics to consider for reflection on balance, darkness and change…

1.)  Today is all about finding balance…and what better way to find balance and access your core than through yoga poses!?  Are poses and positioning an aspect of your dynamic?  If so, tell us about it.  If not, are posturing and positioning something you would consider incorporating into your dynamic?

2.)  Are you (or your partner) a sadist?  If so, what’s you favorite type of sadomasochistic play…physical, emotional and/or mental?  If not, can you tolerate any S&m play?  Hard limit?  NMK?

3.)  Change is enviable.  All we can do is deal with it with as much grace and poise as possible.

~Beautifully Broken~

Menstrual Blood Play and Menstrual Blood Worship 

August 4, 2016

*Originally written and posted on Facebook on May 2, 2016.

Many people believe that menstrual blood play and menstrual worship are strictly for Dommes and male submissives…but in my dynamic we throughly disagree.  Menophilia is not only a favorite kink of ours but it is also extremely sacred to us and it is an important aspect of our dynamic for many reasons.

Menstrual blood play can include many activities within our dynamic.  We engage in all types of sexual activities and practices when I’m menstruating and we look forward to this time of the month with great anticipation.  Painting one another with my blood, ruining clothing and bedding with my blood, drinking my blood as well as collecting my blood in vials to be worn or stored for Pagan rituals are other key aspects.

Menstrual worship, for us, is all about honoring the sacred feminine and acknowledging the power of creation.  My Dom will care for me in several ways, including making sure any pain is managed, keeping me in hot tea before I even ask as well as telling and showing me how desirable I am to Him, especially when I’m bleeding.  Later this morning, He will collect my menstrual blood in a vial and divide it up, some to be used in an upcoming moonlight Pagan ritual in which we will participate and some to be stored in a pendant vial which He will wear on a chain around His neck.

Everyone has very personal and distinctive feelings regarding menstrual blood play and what is a turn on for some is distasteful to others and that’s perfectly fine.  How do you feel about menstrual blood play and worship?  Are they acts you engage in within your dynamic?  If so, what aspects of this type of play are important to you and your partner(s)?

~Beautifully Broken~

A Sanguinarian, Blade Play and Blood Play Scene

July 31, 2016

Daddy and I are a part of the Sanguinarian lifestyle, which means we participate in the acts of feeding and donating blood during scenes and sex.  Daddy always feeds, I always donate.  He is called a ‘Sang’ and I am called a ‘swan’.  I always cut myself to get the blood He so badly craves.  He has yet to lift a blade against me.  We are both okay with that.  We both know each other’s limits as far as blade play and blood play.

Last night, He lit the candles and dimmed the lights in our bedroom.  I gathered the blade, the disinfectant, the bandages and the bandages and laid them out before us on the shelf.  He sat down on the bed as I stood before Him, holding the blade.  He took the blade from my hand, looked up at me and asked if I was ready.  I looked at Him quizically and asked, “Are You?”.  His hesitation to answer my question told me that no, indeed He was not..and that was perfectly okay.  Negotiating a scene, especially an emotionally and/or sexually charged scene, should never take place during a scene, but rather before, when everyone is still level headed and reasonable.

I took the blade from my Lover’s hand and made a thin scratch on my forearm.  He took my hand, lifted my arm to His lips and licked the thin stream of blood from the wound.  He began grabbing and squeezing the scratch, pressing a bit more blood to the surface and savored the coppery taste.  When He had drank all the small scratch would yield, He released my arm and I picked up the blade again.  I made two slightly deeper cuts on my upper thigh and Daddy waited with His breath drawn in for the shallow cuts to begin to show red.  The blood began to pool in little droplets at the surface as He closed His eyes and lowered His mouth to the wounds.  Growling in His throat, He licked and sucked at my blood, hungry and excited for more.

The endorphins had just began to kick in for me, the pain of the shallow cuts exacerbated by His suckling and needing at the wounds.  Subspace was close…the pain was pulling me slowly into a hazy, darkened fog…my body began to shake and spasm involuntarily.  Daddy growled again and pulled my thigh to Him,  hard and rough…the way He enjoys feeding the most.

When He had taken all the blood the shallow cuts would allow, He released my thigh and directed me to start cleaning the cuts and scratches.  He was breathing deeply…but He was not yet satisfyed.  He had just told me to clean my wounds, signaling that part of the scene was finished.  I felt like I had failed Him.  I knew He was dissatisfied with the level out output, yet He had ended the scene.

“Let me cut deeper for You,” I asked, my eyes rimmed with tears.

“I never said you had to cut so shallow,” He responded.

I took up the blade for the third time.  I made three deep cuts on my thigh, one next to the other, just below the other two He had just bleed dry.  These cuts were deep.  Not deep enough to require stitches (which is a hard limit at the present time) but deep enough for the blood droplets to pool at the surface of the wounds and drip down my leg, running together and increasing the bloodflow.  He looked at my blood, the rivulets trickling down my thigh, and He grabbed my leg, hard, and began to feed.

Subspace was now fully engulfing me, drawing me slowly into its darkened shadows.  My body was trembling and my head was fuzzy as He licked and sucked at my burning thigh.  He was finally satisfying His burning desires for blood and pain.  My blood.  My pain.  All for Him.  Only for Him.

And now, here I sit, the morning after, typing this passage as a momemto.   My wounds cleaned and still stinging, remembering the passion with which we practiced our scene and the lovemaking that followed.  Cherishing the ease with which He wiped away my fears of inadequacy last night, as easily as He wipes the tears from my eyes…and the blood from my thighs.

~Beautifully Broken~

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My 10 Steps To Surrender and Submission in a D/s Caregiver Relationship

July 28, 2016

*Originally written and posted on Facebook on July 17, 2016.

I have always been a woman who has feared change. I don’t trust easily. I am a creature of habit and whenever I have needed to grow and evolve, my signature move has always been to first dig in my heels and become as stubborn as stone before looking at the situation rationally. Relinquishing control in any situation has always initially filled me with at least low level of fear and anxiety because allowing someone else to have any control over me anywhere besides the bedroom hasn’t ever ended well for me or the relationship. All this sounds strange when you take into account that I am striving to be a devoted submissive. Along my journey with my Daddy Dominant, i have learned that the idea of fear and submission co-existing together inside the same person is, at best, a confusing contradiction of terms and at worst, a telltale sign of great hypocrisy. My fear has held me back in life more times than I can count…but I’m working on changing that permanently. I have broken these changes I have been making down into several steps that I have been tirelessly working…

1. Step One: Know Yourself

The biggest factors that continually reinforced my fear were actually my own thoughts and behaviors. I would choose partners who I knew were incapable of meeting my needs and when they would eventually let me down and hurt me, I would deal with it by displaying even more destructive behaviors so I could further punish myself and “get what I had coming”. That display was unhealthy emotional and physical masochism at its finest. I knew I had to change my thoughts and behaviors if I was ever going to have a fulfilling and rich life, especially a life built around any type of a D/s element. I had to let go of the self-destructive patterns (like overthinking and catastrophic thinking) and cease the self-sabotaging behaviors (like drug abuse and self harm techniques) that I had used my entire life and replace them with a new sense of becoming self aware and awakening my full potential by becoming praticed in healthy coping mechanisms.

2. Step Two: Know Your Partner

The fact that I wasn’t going thru this self discovery alone made this journey much easier to bare. My Dom has been doing His own reflecting, growing and changing right along with me. The second factor I needed to accept was that my Dom is in fact worthy of my complete submission because He has continually proven Himself to be capable of the responsibility of leading our Caregiver dynamic. He has proven His love, care, devotion, honorable intentions and capacity for dominance at every turn, in both His words and His actions. He understands that He cannot assume control of His submissive if He doesn’t have control of Himself and He strives to better Himself daily, right along side of me. Finding a partner who is on the same page spiritually, emotionally, intellectually as well as sexually and who is capable and eager to take this journey right along with me has been a tremendous gift that I shall never take for granted.

3. Step Three: Ground Your Dynamic In Reality

The third factor I had to overcome was the first step my Dom and i had to tackle together. From here on out, these steps were ours to master. We were challenged to design our new dynamic. Our previous dynamic was long distance with intermittent visits so while we could carry some aspects over into our new arrangement, we were pretty much starting from scratch when we began living together and began practicing our dynamic 24/7. As this was all new, we could design our dynamic as we choose and we quickly understood that we had to create it within our own personal reality. All the talking and hours of discussions were finally able to be put into practice and we modified situations and expectations as we went along. We also learned patience and humility as we designed our parameters and He got creative with His designs because of all the obstacles to our time and privacy. I came to see challenges as feats to be conquered rather than evidence of impending defeat because He helped me to see them as such.

4. Step Four: Release Your Expectations

We learned how to stay consistent to our goals and expectations while rolling with the punches of every day life. The fourth factor i needed to accept if we were going to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship was that our expectations of how our dynamic was “supposed” to look were often times holding us back from what our dynamic could someday potentially become. As a submissive, part of my responsibilities include expressing my needs, wants, sexual limits and emotional boundaries to my Dominant. As a Dominant, part of His responsibilities include working within those parameters to establish my routines, tasks, rituals and rules to reinforce His will. I learned that it is not my responsibility to hover, nag, manipulate or influence His will, because He already knows exactly what He wants to enforce in our dynamic. I need to demostrate my faith and trust in Him to both meet my needs as necessary and to satisfy my wants as He sees fit.

5. Step Five: Focus on Gaines Rather Than Losses

The only way I could demostrate this faith and trust to Him was to compleyely surrender control to Him, in and out of the bedroom, in all aspects of our lives together. The fifth factor that I needed to acknowledge was that I was not giving anything up by submitting to Him but rather I was gaining everything I had ever wanted. I did not need to mourn the life I gad previous but rather I could relax knowing that I now had the structure to live the life I wanted to live because He had given me the tools to thrive as I meet my goals. I now had a partner to co-parent our children along side me instead of being all on my own. The focus was now on teamwork rather than individuality…and that was tough to accept at first but I had to give Him the room to grow and conform into His new roles and responsibilities if He was ever going to be completely comfortable meeting them. He has rewarded my faith and encouragement with the love that only a real Man has for His wife and children.

6. Step Six: Accept Your Faults and Flaws

Looking back, I could have just shut my mouth, opened my eyes and saw these factors for what they were months ago but I needed the time to see the differences between our healthy relationship rather than all the unhealthy ones to which I had grown accustomed. The sixth factor that I needed to come to terms with was that sometimes I am a part of our problems. This one hurt a lot to acknowledge. Sometimes He is doing everything in His capabilities to lead our dynamic but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough for me and I get moody or aggravated. Admitting He is enough means that I am finally taking responsibility for my feelings of insecurity, my own errors in judgment and my own lapses in reason…and while that is never easy to do, it certainly is a necessary step to building any partnership, especially one rooted in D/s. Even though He is my Daddy Dom, that doesn’t mean that I am spoiled, entitled or allowed to display unacceptable behaviors. My mindset as a middle is not an excuse to get my own way but rather a child-like extension of the best of me…all the wonder, awe, joy, self-expression, imagination and silliness I hold dear to my heart, I’m finally able to share them with my other half.

7. Step Seven: Realize You’re Both On The Same Side

In every relationship I was ever in, I was the one who was in control of the dynamic because I chose partners who would not assume control. Offering and practicing my submission to my Daddy Dom has rendered that cycle obsolete. The seventh factor I needed to accept was that even though we may seem separated by the personal elements of our power exchange, we are actually bound together through both of our shared experiences and common goals. We compliment one another and elevate each other in ways I never thought possible because we have fashioned a dynamic that works for us. I no longer struggle with accepting His will because He never asks for anything unreasonable. I no longer have to question “just for clarity”, the intentions are clear simply because they are His will. That is reason enough to comply. That doesn’t mean we have stopped discussing things together, definitely not, but rather I have seen that we truly are on the same side in all our endeavors and that makes it so much easier to trust Him and our dynamic completely.

8. Step Eight: Focus on Mindset Rather Than Action

The main reason our dynamic functions as well as it does and we thrive as a result of our continued efforts is because we have both committed ourselves to the process. We have decided that failure isn’t an option and we know that we will overcome any obstacles in our path together. The eighth factor that i have come to understand is that our D/s is rooted in our shared mindset rather than in sex, scenes, acts of submission or shows of dominance. While all those aspects play instrumental parts in shaping our dynamic, they do not create or drive our dynamic…our devotion to one another and our comittment to our shared goals does that instead. This realization further allows us to roll with the punches of every day life and to build a dynamic that is flexible enough to sustain us for the immediate future while being consistent enough to endure for the long term.

9. Step Nine: Be The Change You Want To See

Sometimes being a part of a D/s Caregiver partnership means focusing on my own aspects while the other person deals with their personal issues. The ninth factor that I needed to accept was that D/s isn’t always about checks and balances. Sometimes D/s entails doing what you know you should be doing without praise, guidance or recognition. Dominating and serving can both function independently for short periods of time without any outside acknowledgement from the other partner. Of course, any relationship cannot exist like that for long but sometimes just putting your money where your mouth is and walking the talk can be a powerful inspiration to your counterpart during times of struggle and hardship. If your partner can count on you to pick up the slack when necessary, they are encouraged to put in the extra effort it takes to percivier and triumph…and of course the reverse is true as well.

10. Step Ten: Focus on the Journey

There is no finish line for a D/s relationship. BDSM cannot be practiced within a vacuum. The dynamic grows and changes as its participants learn and evolve. It has to…or it becomes stagnant and eventually dies. The tenth factor that I had to acknowledge was that D/s, just like life, is a process and the journey is much more important than any speculated end result or perceived goal. The actions of today aren’t hinged on the actions of yesterday. We can always start over and do better. Does that mean we have no accountability for yesterday? No, of course not…but we do have the opportunity to swallow our pride and do what we know to be right for ourselves, our partner and our relationship.

These steps highlight the issues i had to deal with and overcome in order to let go of my need for control and begin to truly submit. Unfortunately, it took me almost destroying our relationship before I figured them out. Luckily for me, my Daddy is an understanding and realistic Dominant. He sees the real me, the girl I hide deep inside from almost everyone else and he helps me show her off to the world. He knew that I had been damaged in several ways by my previous relationships long before I met Him. He also knew that it wasn’t His job to fix me or to put up with my irrational bullshit. He made the choice to love a damaged person, knowing it would be a difficult journey but He felt the potential He saw in me and in us was worth the initial investments of time and patience. It was that gesture of acceptance and loyalty which first allowed me to begin to open up to Him and that planted those initial seeds of trust and devotion.

If you have found someone who loves, cares for and understands the real you, don’t let them go without a fight…and especially don’t let them go because you’re too proud and stubborn to change those aspects of yourself which no longer serve you and hold you back from your true potential and happiness. We are humans are limitless in our potential to overcome the obstacles in our path and in our capacity to love and care for ourselves, our family and our tribe. I will forever respect my Daddy for helping me to learn, understand and practice this valuable lesson and I demonstrate that respect through my complete submission and devotion to Him in the same manner…without limits.

~Beautifully Broken~

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Edge Play After A History of Self Harm

July 26, 2016

*Originally written and posted on Facebook on November 15, 2015

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

The following content includes the topics of several BDSM edge play scenarios, sexual abuse, mental health disorders and addiction issues in a frank and graphic manner.


I decided to write this piece on participating in edge play after a history of self harm because there are so many in the BDSM Community, Dominant, switch and submissive…male, female and non-binary alike…who either currently deal with or who have dealt with self harm issues at some point in their lives. Self harm can be defined as any action or thought, that once realized, does harm to one’s self. These realizations can be physical, emotional and/or mental in their masochistic tendencies. They can manifest as eating disorders, acts of self harm, addictions, compulsions and engaging in unsafe behaviors. These personal issues are then carried over into our D/s or M/s relationship dynamics, in which they are either:
1. Ignored and left to fester,
2. Exploited and made worse or
3. Resolved and ultimately healed.

I truly believe that the loving and safe environment that a healthy Lifestyle relationship can provide is an excellent platform for growth and change for all parties within the dynamic. The open and honest communication that’s achieved by way of many hours of in-depth discussions ultimately builds trust and eventually promotes a bond between the parties that is extremely unique, highly honored and deeply sacred to everyone involved. Edge play can be a wonderful vehicle in which to reclaim one’s own inner power and to re-establish one’s own personal headspace and even to refresh the D/s mindset from those of the past that were unhealthy and destructive into present ones that are both healthy and productive.

In this article, i have defined edge play as any of the BDSM activities which carry some inherent risk to the participants’ emotional, physical, mental and/or spiritual health and safety. Even if these activities are preformed to the highest caliper of standards and all safety precautions are heeded, there is still an element of risk involved. These activities can be thought of as acts that can either take a person to:
1. The edge of their comfort zone
2. The edge of their personal limits
3. The edge of the blade / tip of the needle or
4. The edge of Death itself

Most people who participate the various types of edge play will most often subscribe to the risk and responsibility paradigms of RACK or PRICK rather than to SSC. The philosophies of RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk Informed Consensual Kink) state that while we are aware of the risks the accompany certain BDSM activities and scenes, we take our personal responsibility for our own education on the topic and comply with the use of safer practices while engaging in these types of consensual kinks. We fully acknowledge and understand that such activities may not fall under the philosophy of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) to which many BDSMers subscribe…and that’s totally okay.

Always remember, YKINMKBYKIOK!! (Your kink is not my kink but your kink is o.k.)

These various types of edge play can include, but are not limited to, any BDSM activities that carry an inherent risk (up to and including death) and that can also be possible triggers for a psychological breakdown. Such a breakdown could lead to one or more of the participants displaying an expression of self harm, in either their thoughts or actions. Such high risk edge play activities can include:
*blood play
*needle play
*blade play
*scarification
*piercings
*suture play
*medical play
*branding
*tattooing
*burning
*rape play
*breathe play
*age play and
*any other sadomasochistic physical activities or emotional head-trips that could be used in a non-consensual, derogatory and/or unhealthy manner.

This topic is very personal to me and it’s very much a part of O/our dynamic. I’ve dealt with mania, depression and anxiety, coupled with my resulting self harm issues, including cutting, eating disorders and substance abuse, for over 25 years. Actually, i suppose rather than “dealing” with them, I was really just running from them; ignoring and avoiding them at all costs. I did that very well for many years. I was isolated and depressed at times and wild and reckless at others. i began coping with all my unresolved anxieties, fears and anger issues by cutting at 11 years old and i continued this for several years.

The psychological buzzword “trigger” wasn’t commonplace back then in the early 90’s and, even if it had been, i wasn’t anywhere near capable of discovering what mine actually were. I was way too psychologically stunted, emotionally fragile and completely repressed by my own feelings of shame and guilt to do that. I was tormented daily by my emotions and thoughts which were stemming from my abandoment issues and the traumatic flashbacks i was having of rape and molestation. I quickly progressed from occassional cutting episodes to constant “experimental” drug use as a means of escape by the time i was 17 years old. i lived in an ever-devolving psychological state for all of my twenties, while still trying to maintain the tattered guise of being a functional human and productive member of society. I held two full time jobs and put myself thru collage. If you didn’t know better, and most people didn’t, you’d think i was a young professional on the rise. Nope. Not really…and I spent almost 20 years like this.

I finally got clean and sober when I found I was expecting my first child as I entered my thirties. For the next five years, i remained as such, without even resorting to any form of self harm to cope with all of the new demands on my time, mind, heart and body, because i threw myself into the role of “Mother”. Motherhood was my first experience with really getting out of my own twisted head and then putting something greater than i before my own chaotic neurosis and extreme selfishness. However, my ex-husband’s relapse three years into the marriage began wearing on me hard, as did being a full time, single mother, for all intents and purposes, to now two young children. I promptly began cutting once again at the 33 years old, after not cutting for nearly 18 years . A few months later, a heroin relapse after 65 months clean shortly followed the cutting…as did a stay in the local area hospital’s psychiatric center, as well as a three week visit in drug rehabilitation.

I’ve been in that place where many of you out there reading this have been. Maybe you’re still there in that place right now. It’s okay if you are. I had lived that way for almost my entire life. And guess what?? I’m here to tell you right now that it CAN all get better. It can be different. It can change. YOU can change. It takes a ton of dedication, strength, soul searching and digging into all of dustiest shadows your mind, heart and soul…but YES, it can be done!!

It was at that time, during my relapse and while entering rehab…at the lowest point of my entire life…that I met the Man who would soon become my Dominant on Facebook. Upon leaving rehab, W/we embarked upon a new bi-coastal, long distance D/s relationship. To this day, I’m still not sure why either of U/us thought it would work out, lol…but I’m beyond thankful that it did. Those shakey beginnings very slowly evolved into the very solid and dependable foundation of trust and love like I’ve never experienced ever before in an intimate relationship. i just thought i had once again embarked on the fool’s errand of putting something else in front of my own self care…a new and beautiful fantasy distraction of some sort…but my new Dominant would have none of that. None. Nothing at all. Nada. Zip.

The first thing that needed to happen as W/we initiated our relationship was that i needed to understand that my previous attempts to rebuild myself were not failures. With His help, i was able to see that my flaws didn’t make me a bad person…only human…and a very hurt and confused human at that. My Dom helped me to realize that I was absolutely “perfect in my imperfections” and as such, I was the ONLY one in control of changing myself for the better because i alone held the power to do so. I was finally ready…but i was still scared.

He helped me re-discovered these forgotten facts by assigning meaningful tasks for me complete that would, over time, build upon the success of one another to strengthen my character and my resolve. He assigned nothing by way of tasks and requirements that I hadn’t already expressly stated that i wanted help to change, thus reinforcing His stance that I was in fact perfect in His eyes and that He would only support any changes I wanted (or needed) to make within and for myself, as He wasn’t looking to change me. Even tho i understood His intentions, it took a while for this concept to sink in thoroughly. Also, i discovered that conjuring up misplaced feelings of resentment toward Him to cause an issue was an easy and convenient way to shift the focus off of myself and my fears of change. Blatant manipulation and malicious topping from the bottom at it’s finest…but He saw right thru my rouse and shut me down rather effortlessly in this respect as well. My Dom also taught me how to give myself some slack and how to try again tomorrow when I screw up today. That lesson was invaluable.

As the months wore on and i was becoming more fully immersed into all these new activities and new mindsets within our D/s LDR, i began to feel joy in my own personal accomplishments again and i was able to once again take pride in my successes, no matter how small. I wasn’t able to completely lose myself in Him and in O/our relationship because of the distance. That 3,000 mile distance was such a blessing in disguise for U/us in those early months. I was only left with the option of focusing on myself, for the first time in my life, so i could face my demons and finally begin growing as a person.

I learned to believe I was worthy of His care and Dominance because of who i am as a person, not just because what i could do for Him. I learned balance in this way, as i still had my children, my Dom and all my other responsibilities to which I had to attend but i also began making time for myself. I grew and blossomed as a woman, a mother, a submissive and as a newly re-connected member of the human race.
The tasks my Dominant requested of me which helped me prepare for all these changes are all activities that we have posted about here in this group, time and time again. These activities include:
☆Journaling
☆Personal care / grooming habits
☆Personal interests
☆Exercise regimes
☆Healthy lifestyle / eating habits
☆Mental health services
☆Coping strategies
☆Submissive rituals
☆Open and honest communication
☆BDSM education
☆Meditation and prayer
☆Devotion to sacredness
☆Releasing any emotion or process that no longer served
☆Participating in various types of edge play

☆Journaling
I was tasked with journaling my thoughts and emotions daily for almost a year. He wanted me to start facing my inner self and all my demons on the printed page. He was allowed to read my entries (most often, i would read them to Him due to the distance), but He wasn’t allowed to get upset at anything I wrote, as He wanted me to trust Him and this process. Sometimes, He would assign me relevant topics to write about that coincided with issues we were facing, other times I would just write. I’d write like I was talking to Him or just ranting to myself, but I always felt better afterwards because I was always honest in my writings. In time, i was able to look back and see a record of my moods, triggers, responses and feelings and W/we were able to decipher the patterns that were playing on repeat within our relationship and in my life. Journaling my thoughts and feelings was an invaluable first step to getting to honestly know myself as i truthfully revealed myself to Him.

☆Personal care / grooming habits
People with depression and anxiety often forsake their own personal care in favor of helping or caring for others and then have nothing left for themselves. Helping others is wonderful, but not of you’re neglecting yourself in the process. It was a bit of a shock to step away from ‘single mom mode’ and “become” a submissive again after a (failed) vanilla marriage. My Dom’s tasks in this area were simple…all things i should have never let go of doing in the first place…but i unfortunately did. Focusing on these areas again immediately elevated my mood and my self-esteem. You can customize your personal care routine however you see fit. My tasks included the following:
*i’m to remain shaved/waxed, smooth/kempt and clean at all times
*Weekly manicures and pedicures (done at home, usually)
*Sweats are only to be worn if I’m sick or if it’s very cold out, otherwise, i’m to be properly dressed, even if i don’t leave the house that day
*i’m to wear His “Nipple Bra” in public daily unless I’m directed not to (you guessed it, a bra with the nipples cut out to “stand out” in a crowd). Wearing this bra was difficult at first because i was self-conscious, but soon I began to enjoy the idea of showing off what is His in public. I now find a sense of empowerment from wearing His Nipple Bra.

☆Personal interests
I was tasked with making time for personal interests that had nothing to do with Him or my children every single evening. I won’t bore you with listing all my personal hobbies and pastimes, but I do suggest you make a list of activities that you enjoy and then spend time doing at least one or two of them every day…even if only for 30 minutes at a time. Every one can spare 30 minutes to do something that makes them happy.

☆Exercise regimes
A big aspectof my depression revolved around the 100 pounds I had gained between the time I was using and my two pregnancies and subsequent periods of bed rest. Going from the lithe body of a junkie to the morbidly obese body of a single mom was a huge hit to my ego, even though I’d done ALL the damage to myself. My Dom planned out daily exercise routines for me to follow based on my weight loss and work out goals and after a few months (of my incessant fear-based whining and) working out, i dropped half the weight. I still strive to maintain a healthy body image daily and i love the endorphin rush I get from a good work out…once i actually get off my ass and do it. It really helps being held accountable for your actions in areas such as this. You should always taylor any fitness plans to a doctor’s advice before you begin a new regimine if you have any medical issues.

☆Healthy lifestyle / eating habits
The only way to maintain a healthy body image is to live a healthy lifestyle. This includes:
*Regular doctor visits
*Regular dental checkups
*Eating healthy, cutting out most sugars and junk food
*Getting enough rest and sleep
*Any new medical issues in either party need to be professionally monitored and the diagnosis disclosed to both parties.
*Any chronic ailments should also be addressed and dealt with as soon as possible. Just because you’re used to the condition doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek out the best course of treatment.
I suffer from insomnia and migraines and my Daddy will sometimes talk to me softly over the phone, telling me quietly whispered nonsense stories to relax my mind and melt my heart. This is the only insomnia strategy that’s ever worked before and sometimes we can even catch a headache and stop it before it turns into a migraine. He’s currently making me an mp3 of His voice so i can listen to Him every night after our nightly phone calls to help me drift off to dreamland. Whatever you’re going thru with your medical issues, seeking the best care available to you will help in regulating your moods and mental state.

☆Mental health services
Did I mention that i’m a recovering addict with bipolar and anxiety issues? Lol, well i am…and as such, there are times that therapeutic intervention and medication are a necessity to my daily functioning. Usually Daddy sees when I’m slipping before I do, so i have submitted to being open to listening and seeking medical attention when He says medicine is in need. Luckily, we haven’t been in that dark place for almost a year now, but when I was I found my way back by:
*Disclosure of my mental state to someone I trust
*Making and keeping all mental health services appointments
*Being honest with the mental health services staff about my issues
*Actively participating in my care and treatment plan
*Taking all medications as prescribed
*Alerting my medical team to any medical problems arising from new medications or drug interactions

☆Coping strategies
The reason W/we haven’t needed to revisit that dark and scary emotional state is because my Dom and i have learned several coping strategies to help deal with my mania, depression and anxiety that have minimized my need for a cocktail of psychotropic medications. Some techniques for controling your emotions are as follows:
*As mentioned before, exercising is a wonderful means of flooding the body with endorphinsand feeling better, so i still do this regularly
*i enjoy getting piercings so instead of cutting or turning to another self harm technique when I’m upset, i will focus my energies into saving for a new piercing…or three. This strategy also workd with those who have a love of tattooing, branding or or other methods of professional scarification.
*When I am really on the verge of self harm, i have a network of other female submissives to whom i turn for support and guidance. Many of us submissives share the same battles and fight the same demons. Having a Dominant in your life is wonderful, but nothing came replace your tribe of “sisters” and other honorable Community members to who you can reach out when you’re in need.
*i also snap a rubber band on my wrist when the anxiety is telling me to cut; this is a distraction until the difficult emotional darkness passes.
*Musicis another outlet for me and many others who have a history of self harm.
*Some of my fellows submissives draw beautiful designs on their bodies instead of cutting themselves.
*Still others write, read, paint or draw to focus their energies back to a safe place during a crisis. I’m not very artistic, so i color in adult coloring books, especially ones filled with Mandalas (ancient artwork designs that represent the Universe). Art is wonderful outlet for stress reduction.
*Another tip that’s been invaluable to me is to avoid feeding into drama, in daily life and on social media. It helps me to remember to act like His submissive and not a drama queen.

☆Submissive rituals
As I began to finally heal, i was able to begin to include more service-orientated tasks into my daily responsibilities. I was no longer seeking to distract myself with my thoughts or the needs of another, but rather I was learning to prioritize and multitask once again, at my own pace. My tasks regarding this subject are all centered around creating and maintaining the submissive headspace that helps me feel safe and grounded. Self harming is a learned behavior that arises from insecurities and as I’m accomplishing these tasks, I’m re-learning appropriate behavior to help me feel connected to my Dominant and secure within O/our relationship. Some of my tasks are as follows:
*Sending Him daily “good morning” texts upon waking
*Sending photos of myself and my body as per His request
*Wearing my anal plug whilst cleaning the house
*Standing I my tip toes while I vacuum
*Practicing slave positions and working on my balance and grace
*Going without a bra and/or panties when directed
*Edging myself per His request
*Being open to other tasks and directions without needless questioning or complaining about my lack of understanding
If your Dominants have earned this type of trust, with time and by demonstrating your best interests are at heart, then by all means, trust them.

☆Open and honest communication
Once I had gone thru many months of completing the above tasks and requirements, proving to myself and to Him that i was ready to progress to the next steps, my Dom thought I was stable enough to begin O/our conversation about edge play. (Oh yeah!! Edge play!!!) It took all this time to even mention the topic!! But it HAD to take this long…because so many other factors needed to to be dealt with, overcome and stabalized before we could get to this point. W/we hadn’t done ANY edge play as of this point and W/we were still a long way off from actually participating in these actions. My Dom needed to KNOW that I wouldn’t relapse into self harm because of some unsatisfactory aspect of my life before W/we ever touched a blade. W/we discussed:
*The reasons that i would self harm, identifying both my emotional and physical triggers
*The headspace that i was in when i was self harming and my current headspace
*The types of edge play in which W/we were both interested
*What W/we knew about these types of edge play
*Our respective, real life experience with these types of edge play
*Resources by which to seek further information on these types of edge play

☆BDSM education
Even as an active member in both the online and local Kink Communities, i don’t know everything about everything in the BDSM Lifestyle. No one does. If they ever say they do, RUN. W/we researched all the edge play activities to which W/we were drawn. Among the core contents of information about edge play that W/we unearthed were:
*Practical techniques of edge play
*Safety precautions
*Emergency care and response strategies
*Alternative and modified methods
*First hand experience from reliable sources
None of the research was difficult to find…in fact, if anything, there’s an over-abundance of information out there. Please know and trust your sources before making any further decisions as to undertaking any BDSM activity. Always use your best judgement and listen to your instincts.

☆Meditation and prayer
After my head was jam packed with knowledge, Daddy and i both spent time processing and assimilating the new information into O/our current information constructs regarding the edge play activities W/we wanted to explore. “Take what serves you and leave the rest behind”, “You can learn something from everyone, even if it’s only how not to be”, and similar expressions come to mind when i think about that time in O/our relationship. I won’t be presumptuous enough to even suggest how you should go about communing with That Which Is Greater than yourself, whatever that may be for you, but we all have our own ways of centering ourselves and finding our direction yet again. Taking time to reconnect with the Universe is ALWAYS a good thing. Namaste and blessed be.

☆Devotion to sacredness
There were many years that i passed the days completely numb and drugged. I had no respect for myself or for anyone or for anything else. The best thing that could be said about me back then was that i wasn’t a theif. That was my only redeeming quality lol. I had no others. The greatest change that’s occurred within myself and my relationship dynamic from those dark times is my appreciation and respect for that which is scared. I can now recognize and give thanks for the sacredness of connection. From learning the true value of what monogamy means to U/us within O/our relationship dynamics to expressing the deep metaphysical pull towards each other that W/we share together, my Dominant and i have discovered a deeper meaning of the truth W/we had sought after when this relationship began…and it just keeps on evolving and strengthening every single day. I have learned that my soul is at peace when I’m serving under His hand. I have seen myself come alive when i am called on to please and comfort Him. I have discovered that amidst the joy of submission to my Dominant, i have found my place in this Universe…and that place is at His side…whether i am 3 feet to His right or 3,000 miles away, i am His. I am owned. He constantly reminds me, in a million little ways, that anything is possible with time, patience, self control, truth and love. And W/we are new well stocked with them all. It’s this sacred connection that can enable all parties in D/s and M/s dynamics to grow and evolve, both together and as individuals. The trust that results from such a divine bond is what makes healing by means of participation in various activities, such as edge play, possible within the relationship.

☆Releasing any emotion or process that no longer serves
Emotional baggage, such as jealousy, anger, resentment, guilt and shame, just to name a few, are the deadliest of all relationship killers. These emotions are the byproducts of all the insecurities we carry with us throughout our entire lives. Fortunately for us, all we need to do to free ourselves from such baggage is to set it down and walk away from it. It sounds so easy…yet we complicate the process to mask our own fear. Well, I’m here to tell you that the demons we know are no friendlier than the demons we don’t know. In fact, there really are no demons at all…they are only lessons in disguise. They can either act as a distraction from reaching our highest possible potential or they can serve as a reminder of our humanity. The choice is always ours to make. It’s at this point in our journey that we can begin to look to engagement in BDSM activities, such as edge play, as a means to physically reclaim what we have already emotionally reconciled.

☆Participating in various types of edge play
Finally!!!!! After all the in-depth honest discussions, soul searching introspection and kink-friendly professional advice has been taken into consideration and all in the parties are ready to start at the elementary levels of edge play that we can finally begin. The type(s) of edge play that you may decide to explore are usually directly correlated to the types of trauma that you have survived. Consider each of the following scenarios:
*A recovering cutter may begin to participate in ritualistic scarification with their partners(s). The old self harm scars which used to carry painful feelings of shame and guilt can now be replaced with a meaningful brand, tattoo, carving or skin etching.
*A recovering cutter may also choose to no longer spill their blood in a wasteful manner. The sight of blood that used to signal a breakdown during a crisis can now be viewed as the intimate gift of “sustenance” that a Sanguinarian donor offers freely to their Vampyre partner.
*A trauma survivor who experienced a rape or molestation may choose to reenact their experience, either by altering the scene to the needs and specifications of all parties or by keeping the experience as close to the actual trauma as possible so the survivor is able to reconcile it within their own reality, with their trusted partner(s). The rape play scene can be taken to whatever conclusion the participants desire, including both consensual submission to and enjoyment of the act, as well as overpowering the “attacker” and fighting until the survivor can “escape”.
*The trauma survivor who experienced harm during an episode of assault with a dealy weapon may decide to explore blood play, blade play, gun play or extreme bondage while their partner(s) weild the weapon (or alternative item in its stead) during sex or a scene.
*The adult who has experienced childhood trauma or abandonment may seek to explore one or more of the various age play scenarios with their trusted partner(s). Being made to wear a diaper and being fed from a bottle by their partner(s) is extremely comforting to age players. The Caregiver can soothe, physically hold and verbally reassure their little one and the little can bask in the love and comfort of ultimate acceptance that only their Big can provide.

In all of the tasks listed above, together with the eventual exploration of edge play, my Daddy showed me that i am not the center of the universe…but i am always at the center of His heart. He helped me realize that my problems weren’t catastrophic because we could very easily tackle anything that should arise together. And He also graciously demonstrated that should the day ever come that He wasn’t there to standby my side (Goddess forbid!), i’d still be very well equiped to handle things by myself and stand on my own. By looking past my own selfishness and ego, i began to be capable of seeing the larger picture…consisting of our relationship, my personal goals, O/our Family, the future W/we’re building together and a greater sense of personal and shared spirituality as O/our bond deepens and strengthens.

I am once again able to see my own individual value and personal worth. Upon resolving all of these steps within my own mind and within O/our relationship dynamic, I have found my Center, my Peace…I have finally found my Home. I have not picked up a blade in sadness and desperation in over six months (although i DO have several new scars from feeding sessions) and I’m still clean and sober as well. If i can battle my demons and come out stronger on the other side, then absolutely anyone can do it too.

These are the methods that have worked for me and my Daddy as W/we are resolving our personal issues together. However, it’s important to understand that BDSM isn’t an alternative to professional therapy and no one should ever look to a partner to “heal” them of trauma or illness. The responsibility for doing that falls squarely upon our own shoulders. These tasks and activities listed are stepping stones to change and healing…but YOU are the catalyst that makes change possible in your own life. At the end of the day, partners, friends and family are a wonderful support, if you’re lucky enough energy have them, but all you need is desire, drive and belief in your own power to be better than you were yesterday.

Please feel free to modify any of these suggestions so that they may adapt to you and your personal experiences. Remember, you are made of stars!! Don’t ever let anyone extinguish your beautiful light. Fight, like the warrior you are, and prevail! I wish you peace…and blessed be.

~Beautifully Broken~

Emotional Anchoring With Words And Phrases

July 25, 2016

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*Originally written and posted on Facebook on September 6, 2015

Words are very powerful. I posted about “Noun Sex” and “Hot Button Word(s)/Phrases” the other day and the intensely positive effects they can have within a dynamic, especially in regards to sexual arousal, orgasm restrictions and orgasm training. Such words and phrases are the catalyst for the creation of an emotional and psychological process called “anchoring”.

Anchoring is the result of a socio-emotional connection that is facilitated by the repeated use of key word(s) and/or phrase(s) that promote a feeling of connection and closeness within a relationship or family group. The repeated use of such word(s) create and reinforce the positive feelings that bond the parties within a dynamic to each other.  Every time the word(s) or phrase is repeated, new positive memories and feelings are created and built upon, thus reinforcing the original feelings of connection and closeness and enhancing them.

In our dynamic, my Daddy will say the phrase, “Oh, it’s so cute that you think you have a choice”, and do a very sexy (I think) and slightly Sadistic chuckle when I’m being nervously resistant to a new command or when I’m being playful and teasing Him about completing my tasks or chores. When He says this, i get a very warm feeling throughout my body. Not a sexual feeling necessarily, but a feeling of being owned, safe, loved and cared for…and that’s the result of anchoring.

Are there any words and phrases that are used as anchors within your dynamic? Mind you, NOT examples of the “noun sex” or “hot button” words or phrases that are used in purely sexual situations…such as “good girl” or “My slut”, etc…but the every day sayings that make you feel owned (for submissives) or in control (for Dominants). If so, which words are part of your dynamics’ anchoring process?

~Beautifully Broken~

A Free Bleeding Scene

July 25, 2016

shutterstock_342680309I kneel down on the rug outside of the bathtub and turn the water on. I adjust the temperature and stand up to enter the shower. I quickly shave my entire body of unwanted hair and wash my face. Careful not to wet my pinned up hair, I shift my position and arch my back as i tug the saturated tampon out of my vagina. I pull the shower curtain aside and drop it into the wastebasket. I retrieve the shower wand, immediately putting it to His bloody pussy as I hurriedly wash it clean.

I kneel before the shower head, still mindful of my dry hair, and turn off the water. Kneeling as I turn the water on and off is a ritual Daddy has requested I follow in order to remind myself of my submissive headspace…I cleanse myself of daily stresses and wash His body in preparation of presentation. I pull back the curtain and insert a new Super plus absorbency tampon, even before stepping out of the shower, so I wouldn’t bleed on the bathmat.

Cramping and nauseated, I dress slowly and prepare myself to sit through a child’s birthday party. Daddy sees the discomfort on my face and asks if I have taken Ibuprofen yet. I shake my head ‘no’ and accept them straight from His hand into my mouth. I gulp them down with water and thank Him. Daddy asks if my flow is heavy and I tell Him that it is raging.

“When we come home later tonight, take off your clothes and remove your tampon. Put on a long nightshirt and don’t put on panties”, Daddy says as I continue dressing.

“Yes, Daddy”, I reply.

Daddy thanks me and I put on my silver…stud earrings, dangling earrings, eyebrow piercing jewelry…His Training Collar is already around my neck. He returned it to me on our weekend in New York, July 2-3, 2016.

I attend the party with my family but I become nauseated again after three hours and Daddy tells me to return home. Daddy decides to stay with our boys and gets them changed to go into the pool. He kisses me and tells me to feel better. I thank Him and I begin the short walk home.

I arrive home and go into the bathroom. I remove my tampon and flush it down the toilet. I take off all my clothes and carry them into our bedroom. I select a black long nightshirt from the closet and put it on. I happily begin my free bleeding task.

After the children are in bed, Daddy comes into our bed and lays down for His nightly massage. He breathes deeply as I touch and tease His body, relishing the scent of coppery lust in the air. He growls softly in His throat. His Cock is stiff and rigid as He gently pushes me back on the the pillows…and He begins to feed on the blood dripping from my body, licking and suckling on my swollen clit and lips, confident in the fact that all before Him is unequivocally His.

After He is satisfied and I am shaking, we leave our bed, now damp and perfumed in blood and sex to go to the patio to smoke. Blood and semen are dripping from my thighs and the mixture stains the wooden bench upon which I am seated. When we are finished, we slip back into bed. His love still dripping from me, bloody and slick, as He kisses me goodnight and I snuggle against Him. He is breathing our combined scent deeply, until He is drawn into sleep. I snuggle beside Him and drift off as well, His love still dripping out of His body, carried along all night by the crimson river, which He will taste again before it runs dry.

~Beautifully Broken~

Nightly Rituals

July 24, 2016

*Originally written and posted on Facebook on August 4, 2015.  Daddy and I were still involved in our long distance relationships  (LDR) during this time.

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My Dom and I are long distance, however, W/we keep O/our dynamic active and consistent 24/7. Even from 3,000 miles away, He is in control of my daily life to the absolute best of His ability. He has listed all of my daily tasks, household chores and leisure activities into a single daily routine which I am to follow as closely as possible, unless otherwise instructed, every single day. I have found that i thrive in a structured environment. He has removed almost all of the chaos and doubt from my daily life. He’s demonstrated how I am to simply follow Daddy’s rules and leave the rest to Him. No worrying…no overthinking. This applies as closely as possible during the day…where outside obligations, the needs of our children and my own shortcomings are all apt to derail my efforts at any moment…but it especially applies to that magical hour, known to parents as “After Bedtime”….(sigh ♡)

“After Bedtime” is when i get to stop focusing so intently on being Mom and begin turning my full attention to my Dominant…to being His submissive, His whore, His little girl. We have several ritualized activities that i am to perform as soon as the boys are in bed. After all the household chores are completed and the boys are in bed, it’s O/our time. I am to strip out of my day clothes and put on just a long night-shirt and thong. I am to exercise if I hadn’t done so earlier in the day for 30-60 minutes. I am to read on any topic of my choice and to write on any topic of my choice for a total of 60 minutes and during tthat time i may journal, read a book or read or write about something Lifestyle-related. I am to shower, shave and wash my hair. Afterwards I check in on the pages I own and the groups i own or admin. Then I either talk to Daddy until my bedtime or i watch a movie and do my nails. At 2:15sm, all electronics are to be put away and i may read in bed until i fall asleep.

Do you participate in any nightly rituals, either as a Dominant or as a submissive? Have any Doms ever created any ritualized tasks for their submissives? What do you do in your rituals? Are these acts important to you? If so, why?

~Beautifully Broken~