*Originally written and posted on Facebook on July 17, 2016.
I have always been a woman who has feared change. I don’t trust easily. I am a creature of habit and whenever I have needed to grow and evolve, my signature move has always been to first dig in my heels and become as stubborn as stone before looking at the situation rationally. Relinquishing control in any situation has always initially filled me with at least low level of fear and anxiety because allowing someone else to have any control over me anywhere besides the bedroom hasn’t ever ended well for me or the relationship. All this sounds strange when you take into account that I am striving to be a devoted submissive. Along my journey with my Daddy Dominant, i have learned that the idea of fear and submission co-existing together inside the same person is, at best, a confusing contradiction of terms and at worst, a telltale sign of great hypocrisy. My fear has held me back in life more times than I can count…but I’m working on changing that permanently. I have broken these changes I have been making down into several steps that I have been tirelessly working…
1. Step One: Know Yourself
The biggest factors that continually reinforced my fear were actually my own thoughts and behaviors. I would choose partners who I knew were incapable of meeting my needs and when they would eventually let me down and hurt me, I would deal with it by displaying even more destructive behaviors so I could further punish myself and “get what I had coming”. That display was unhealthy emotional and physical masochism at its finest. I knew I had to change my thoughts and behaviors if I was ever going to have a fulfilling and rich life, especially a life built around any type of a D/s element. I had to let go of the self-destructive patterns (like overthinking and catastrophic thinking) and cease the self-sabotaging behaviors (like drug abuse and self harm techniques) that I had used my entire life and replace them with a new sense of becoming self aware and awakening my full potential by becoming praticed in healthy coping mechanisms.
2. Step Two: Know Your Partner
The fact that I wasn’t going thru this self discovery alone made this journey much easier to bare. My Dom has been doing His own reflecting, growing and changing right along with me. The second factor I needed to accept was that my Dom is in fact worthy of my complete submission because He has continually proven Himself to be capable of the responsibility of leading our Caregiver dynamic. He has proven His love, care, devotion, honorable intentions and capacity for dominance at every turn, in both His words and His actions. He understands that He cannot assume control of His submissive if He doesn’t have control of Himself and He strives to better Himself daily, right along side of me. Finding a partner who is on the same page spiritually, emotionally, intellectually as well as sexually and who is capable and eager to take this journey right along with me has been a tremendous gift that I shall never take for granted.
3. Step Three: Ground Your Dynamic In Reality
The third factor I had to overcome was the first step my Dom and i had to tackle together. From here on out, these steps were ours to master. We were challenged to design our new dynamic. Our previous dynamic was long distance with intermittent visits so while we could carry some aspects over into our new arrangement, we were pretty much starting from scratch when we began living together and began practicing our dynamic 24/7. As this was all new, we could design our dynamic as we choose and we quickly understood that we had to create it within our own personal reality. All the talking and hours of discussions were finally able to be put into practice and we modified situations and expectations as we went along. We also learned patience and humility as we designed our parameters and He got creative with His designs because of all the obstacles to our time and privacy. I came to see challenges as feats to be conquered rather than evidence of impending defeat because He helped me to see them as such.
4. Step Four: Release Your Expectations
We learned how to stay consistent to our goals and expectations while rolling with the punches of every day life. The fourth factor i needed to accept if we were going to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship was that our expectations of how our dynamic was “supposed” to look were often times holding us back from what our dynamic could someday potentially become. As a submissive, part of my responsibilities include expressing my needs, wants, sexual limits and emotional boundaries to my Dominant. As a Dominant, part of His responsibilities include working within those parameters to establish my routines, tasks, rituals and rules to reinforce His will. I learned that it is not my responsibility to hover, nag, manipulate or influence His will, because He already knows exactly what He wants to enforce in our dynamic. I need to demostrate my faith and trust in Him to both meet my needs as necessary and to satisfy my wants as He sees fit.
5. Step Five: Focus on Gaines Rather Than Losses
The only way I could demostrate this faith and trust to Him was to compleyely surrender control to Him, in and out of the bedroom, in all aspects of our lives together. The fifth factor that I needed to acknowledge was that I was not giving anything up by submitting to Him but rather I was gaining everything I had ever wanted. I did not need to mourn the life I gad previous but rather I could relax knowing that I now had the structure to live the life I wanted to live because He had given me the tools to thrive as I meet my goals. I now had a partner to co-parent our children along side me instead of being all on my own. The focus was now on teamwork rather than individuality…and that was tough to accept at first but I had to give Him the room to grow and conform into His new roles and responsibilities if He was ever going to be completely comfortable meeting them. He has rewarded my faith and encouragement with the love that only a real Man has for His wife and children.
6. Step Six: Accept Your Faults and Flaws
Looking back, I could have just shut my mouth, opened my eyes and saw these factors for what they were months ago but I needed the time to see the differences between our healthy relationship rather than all the unhealthy ones to which I had grown accustomed. The sixth factor that I needed to come to terms with was that sometimes I am a part of our problems. This one hurt a lot to acknowledge. Sometimes He is doing everything in His capabilities to lead our dynamic but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough for me and I get moody or aggravated. Admitting He is enough means that I am finally taking responsibility for my feelings of insecurity, my own errors in judgment and my own lapses in reason…and while that is never easy to do, it certainly is a necessary step to building any partnership, especially one rooted in D/s. Even though He is my Daddy Dom, that doesn’t mean that I am spoiled, entitled or allowed to display unacceptable behaviors. My mindset as a middle is not an excuse to get my own way but rather a child-like extension of the best of me…all the wonder, awe, joy, self-expression, imagination and silliness I hold dear to my heart, I’m finally able to share them with my other half.
7. Step Seven: Realize You’re Both On The Same Side
In every relationship I was ever in, I was the one who was in control of the dynamic because I chose partners who would not assume control. Offering and practicing my submission to my Daddy Dom has rendered that cycle obsolete. The seventh factor I needed to accept was that even though we may seem separated by the personal elements of our power exchange, we are actually bound together through both of our shared experiences and common goals. We compliment one another and elevate each other in ways I never thought possible because we have fashioned a dynamic that works for us. I no longer struggle with accepting His will because He never asks for anything unreasonable. I no longer have to question “just for clarity”, the intentions are clear simply because they are His will. That is reason enough to comply. That doesn’t mean we have stopped discussing things together, definitely not, but rather I have seen that we truly are on the same side in all our endeavors and that makes it so much easier to trust Him and our dynamic completely.
8. Step Eight: Focus on Mindset Rather Than Action
The main reason our dynamic functions as well as it does and we thrive as a result of our continued efforts is because we have both committed ourselves to the process. We have decided that failure isn’t an option and we know that we will overcome any obstacles in our path together. The eighth factor that i have come to understand is that our D/s is rooted in our shared mindset rather than in sex, scenes, acts of submission or shows of dominance. While all those aspects play instrumental parts in shaping our dynamic, they do not create or drive our dynamic…our devotion to one another and our comittment to our shared goals does that instead. This realization further allows us to roll with the punches of every day life and to build a dynamic that is flexible enough to sustain us for the immediate future while being consistent enough to endure for the long term.
9. Step Nine: Be The Change You Want To See
Sometimes being a part of a D/s Caregiver partnership means focusing on my own aspects while the other person deals with their personal issues. The ninth factor that I needed to accept was that D/s isn’t always about checks and balances. Sometimes D/s entails doing what you know you should be doing without praise, guidance or recognition. Dominating and serving can both function independently for short periods of time without any outside acknowledgement from the other partner. Of course, any relationship cannot exist like that for long but sometimes just putting your money where your mouth is and walking the talk can be a powerful inspiration to your counterpart during times of struggle and hardship. If your partner can count on you to pick up the slack when necessary, they are encouraged to put in the extra effort it takes to percivier and triumph…and of course the reverse is true as well.
10. Step Ten: Focus on the Journey
There is no finish line for a D/s relationship. BDSM cannot be practiced within a vacuum. The dynamic grows and changes as its participants learn and evolve. It has to…or it becomes stagnant and eventually dies. The tenth factor that I had to acknowledge was that D/s, just like life, is a process and the journey is much more important than any speculated end result or perceived goal. The actions of today aren’t hinged on the actions of yesterday. We can always start over and do better. Does that mean we have no accountability for yesterday? No, of course not…but we do have the opportunity to swallow our pride and do what we know to be right for ourselves, our partner and our relationship.
These steps highlight the issues i had to deal with and overcome in order to let go of my need for control and begin to truly submit. Unfortunately, it took me almost destroying our relationship before I figured them out. Luckily for me, my Daddy is an understanding and realistic Dominant. He sees the real me, the girl I hide deep inside from almost everyone else and he helps me show her off to the world. He knew that I had been damaged in several ways by my previous relationships long before I met Him. He also knew that it wasn’t His job to fix me or to put up with my irrational bullshit. He made the choice to love a damaged person, knowing it would be a difficult journey but He felt the potential He saw in me and in us was worth the initial investments of time and patience. It was that gesture of acceptance and loyalty which first allowed me to begin to open up to Him and that planted those initial seeds of trust and devotion.
If you have found someone who loves, cares for and understands the real you, don’t let them go without a fight…and especially don’t let them go because you’re too proud and stubborn to change those aspects of yourself which no longer serve you and hold you back from your true potential and happiness. We are humans are limitless in our potential to overcome the obstacles in our path and in our capacity to love and care for ourselves, our family and our tribe. I will forever respect my Daddy for helping me to learn, understand and practice this valuable lesson and I demonstrate that respect through my complete submission and devotion to Him in the same manner…without limits.