*Originally written and posted on Facebook on December 28, 2015.
No matter the people, no matter the dynamic, everyone gets into misunderstandings from time to time. Occassionally, those misunderstandings can shift into disagreements. Sometimes, those disagreements can devolve into arguments. Once in a while, those arguments can spiral into full blown fights. Once the partners are full on fighting in a D/s dynamic, the relationship WILL suffer because it has succumbed to a serious lack of communication skills, an absence of self-control techniques and a complete breakdown of the established and agreed upon D/s dynamic roles by both/all involved parties. It takes at least two people to fight, after all.
That said, i actually think that *some* degree of conflict is healthy within a relationship. Conflict shows that all parties have a mind of their own and that they’re passionate about the relationship. If anyone in the dynamic ALWAYS just blindly follows all the time, even the submissive in a D/s dynamic, as if they’re on Stepford autopilot as it were, that would show a lack of independent thought and a serious lack of interest in the well-being of the relationship. For my Dom and i, we personally feel that apathy in our dynamic is worse than fighting. However, neither fighting nor apathy is an option. So, what do we do when tempers are flaring and miscommunication is at it’s peak?
Well, for us, we had to work thru many misunderstandings, disagreements, arguments and fights to get to the place we’re at now. For Him, as the Dominant in our relationship, He needed to become secure in His role. This included tactics such as not taking the things i say during an argument personally and not allowing His emotions to rule Him (especially when I’m doing exactly that) so that a simple disagreement doesn’t become a full-blown fight. He also needed to learn what I was really trying to say during a misunderstanding, long before it devolved into a fight, so that He could help me to better express myself when I’m upset. Another key method of conflict resolution He learned was effective discipline. He needed to learn how to always be a few steps ahead of me, like being ready to offer suggestions to find a solution to our differences and to have fair and effective punishments at the ready for the times when i do overstep our boundaries. These tools have cost Him many sleepless nights to earn.
He was not alone in His efforts. For me, as His submissive, I had to learn self-control techniques, such as breathing and counting to ten silently before I speak so i don’t speak disrespectfullly to Him when I’m upset. I also had to be consciously aware of my submission at all times…even and especially when I’m angry or scared…and I do this by using an emotional safe word when I feel like I’m losing control. Calling our emotional safe word lets Brian know that I’m REALLY struggling with keeping it together and that i need His understanding and empathy in a serious way. Just witnessing that act of submission alone will re-focus Him. My act of submission shows my vulnerability and my desire to admit my wrongdoings. When i can do that from a place of love and humility, He’ll instantly let go of all His defense mechanisms and that’s when He’s most fully my Daddy Dom…loving, nurturing and without one shred of doubt that He is fully capable of taking me in hand to discipline with love. When we are in harmony like that, even during an emotional breakdown, we know that together we will correct the situation before us. As long as open and honest communication is still functional, we know that there is a solution to our issue.
For us, it all came down to a single choice…and I had to make that serious choice…
Would I truly submit?
Would I put His will before mine in all situations, under all circumstances? Or would I only submit in BDSM scenes and during sexual activities? Was I a submissive or was I a bottom? My choice would dictate whether my Daddy was a Dominant or a Top within our relationship dynamic. Only I could answer those questions…and i needed to answer them before we could evolve in our relationship dynamic to take the major step on which we’re embarking on together. The choice to be a Dominant or a submissive isn’t one to be made lightly…but the choice to truly submit was the most empowering and freeing decision that i have ever made. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that if I ever get up the gall tell Him to “take His things and go”, that I’ll be promptly tossed over one shoulder as He carries me out the door and that i will be swiftly met with a serious punishment once my feet return to the ground. Being secure within that knowledge makes me feel so incredibly safe, protected, loved, owned, cared for…and, truthfully, hotter than Hell for my amazing Dominant.