Incognito BDSM 

When we think ‘BDSM’ so many people, kinky and ‘nilla wafer’ alike, conjure up this ultra sexual imagery, consisting of a dungeon full of whips, chains and a gorgeous female submissive being roughly used by a smoking hot male Dominant.   Sure, that scenario is valid enough but it certainly isn’t the end all, be all of BDSM.

As you probably already know, the acronym BDSM stands for “Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism”.   There is no outward mention of sex because BDSM doesnt have to include any type of sex at all.  That’s strictly up to the consenting parties.  Also, being sexual and having sex are two completely different things…both great…but still very different.

In today’s world, we have so many responsibilities and obligations that demand our time.  Jobs, careers, school, children, families, aging parents, partners, volunteer work, household chores, the ever elusive “me time”…they all demand to be satisfied or our lives just don’t function as they should.  So how do we fit BDSM-related topics and activities into our day…especially when our days are so full and being watched like hawks by all our non-approving vanilla social counterparts?

Making time for BDSM isn’t always easy but I promise you it is do-able!!  All you need is a little creativity and flexibility!!

1  Schedule Scenes and Sex

Ok, admittedly, scheduled scenes and sex don’t win you any spontaneity points in your relationships dynamic but hey, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  If you’re thinking scheduled scenes and sex aren’t very exciting, think of it this way.  You know what’s really not exciting?  Having no scenes or sex!!  If you have to wake up early to have a quickie in the shower before the rest of your clan wakes for the day, do it!  If you have to arrange childcare weeks in advance so you and your partner can scene in a motel room over the weekend, do it!!  Whatever you have to do to make that all prized alone time, DO IT!!!  Trust me, it’s worth it. 

2.  Force Yourselves to Stick to Your Schedules

Ok, so you go to the trouble of arranging a weekend getaway with your partner, finding a sitter, taking care of every little detail so your absence won’t be too dramatic for everyone to bear and when the night finally comes, one or both of you really aren’t in the mood.  I will tell you right now…PUSH PAST THAT SHIT AND TAKE YOUR EVENING AWAY TOGETHER!!  Even if you had the worse day at work in history, leave it at the office.  Even if your mate has at terrible headache, pack the whole bottle of ibuprofen and head out the door.  Even if you don’t end up scening or having sex, just being alone together is enough.  Who knows where the evening might lead once you’ve both started to unwind a little bit!

3.  Keep Your Options Open

One of the fastest ways to set yourself up for disappointment is to cling too tightly to a rigid plan.  By remaining flexible, you’re better able to roll with the punches and navigate all the little obstacles life is always throwing at us.  As a Dominant,  you should have a plan for your scenes but don’t forget to allow for script changes and rewrites.  There’s that chance to be spontaneous we were talking about earlier!  Take charge and dominate!!  As a submissive, you shouldn’t be worried about a plan anyway…your Dominant has you covered…so just relax and submit.

4.  Maintain Your Mindset

Ok, so you say you’re having a difficult time just relaxing and submitting or taking charge and dominating, huh?  It happens, especially if you’re out of practice or if you  only think of D/s or M/s in terms of scenes and/or sex.  Well, they are so much more!!  The scenes and sex aren’t really just the icing on the cake.  Make the effort to get into and maintain your shared power exchange mindset every day, not just when you’re about to play.

5.  Reinforce Your Power Exchange Daily

There are so many little ways to keep your power exchange in the forefront of your mind, even with children, families and the rest of society watching all the time.  One of the biggest lessons my Daddy Dom was able to impart to me during our 2.5 years in a long distance relationship  (LDR) was that everything I did, no matter how small or or how grand, was in fact, done in service to Him.  Mind you, we were 3,000 miles away from one another ant this time, with 2 or 3 week visits only taking place every 3 – 5 months.  He was excellent at showing me a new way to look at our dynamic so I could see all the ways in which I was of service when I was feeling like a rather displaced and completely obsolete submissive.  Setting little tasks for your partner to complete is essential in maintaining your shared mindset…just as completing those tasks will reinforce your power exchange.  Ordering the use of an anal plug has certainly assisted many high powered submissives with remembering to whom they belong.  Sometimes we all need a reminder as life is trying to get in the way.  Once you’re at the point where just a single look from your D-type can make your melt (or make you freeze, depending upon the reason for the look), you two are definitely in synch…and THAT is always a precursor to a VERY good time!!

I would like to conclude this article on Incognito BDSM by asking you all to comment below some tips or tricks you have incorporated into your dynamic or would like to incorporate into your dynamic to help you and your partner practice BDSM in front of the whole big nilla wafer world without any of them being any the wiser.  What works for you may also help someoneelse who is struggling to maintain their dynamic so please don’t hesitate to comment and keep the discussion going…

~Beautifully Broken~

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The 2 Hour Rule

Last year, i learned a wonderful lesson about self control, self awareness and personal responsibility.  A very wise Dom friend taught it to a very powerful sub friend and she passed it on to me.  It is called The Two Hour Rule.

The Two Hour Rule is very simple.  If you are upset, you do NOT post anything about it on social media right away.  Instead, wait two hours and allow yourself to calm down before inviting the world into your drama.  

For one thing, most people don’t really care and for another, the ones that do care only care because it gives them ammunition to use against you.  

If after two hours you still want to post it, wait another two hours.  If after four hours you STILL want to post it, find a trusted friend with whom you can speak in confidence. 

In short, don’t blast yourself, your friends, family and dynamic all over the internet.

The 2 Hour Rule has been INVALUABLE to me as i am learning to become a more self aware and obedient submissive.  What do you think about this rule?  What are your thoughts about airing your personal business on social media in general?

~Beautifully Broken~

Practice & Guidance

Practice and Guidance are the Twin Pillars on which a good submissive is built into a great submissive.  

A sub must practice daily to successfully incorporate submission into everyday life.  Being a 24/7 sub can be much more challenging than a bottom just allowing a Top sexual or physical control.  Giving yourself over to a Dom mentally and emotionally takes serious dedication to the craft.  Submission is an artform…and all arts must be practiced if they are to improve.  

Guidance from a consistent Dominant is necessary as well.  We cannot learn if we are not taught.  We cannot meet expectations if we are unsure as to what they even are.  We cannot grow if we are not corrected and disciplined.

What are some ways that practice and guidance are incorporated into your dynamic? 

~Beautifully Broken~

The Ritual of The Conversation Game

Conversation Starters…
No matter how long you have been with your partner(s), you can always learn more about them.  You might be surprized by what you learn…or that one quirk that you just couldn’t understand might finally make sense!

Daddy and i had games of ‘Truth or Dare” and “20 Questions” over the phone when we were long distance and over the 2 1/2 years, every session lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  

Here’s a list of conversation starters i found on Pinterest to help break the ice when incorporating these types of discussions into your dynamic…and let these questions inspire you to write down your own questions AND ACTUALLY ASK them of your partner(s).  

No hang ups, no fear.  No bullshit.  This ritual requires total honesty and it doesn’t work any other way. 

If necessary, make a rule that no one can get angry/pout/agrue about anything that’s said and that any sensitive issues that come up will be discussed gently and respectfully and make sure everyone involves follows the rule.  

If you have a safeword, discuss if it can be used if the game gets too intense or make up a seperate ’emotional safeword’ to use in times of emotional distress.  

If a topic is off limits, state it outright.  You are allowed to maintain limits while still being completely honest.  Don’t ask questions to which you aren’t ready to hear the answers.  

These are the basic steps to beginning the truly open and honest communication on which our Lifestyle is built.  

And don’t forget…  HAVE FUN!!  Not every session has to be so deep, especially in the beginning.  This ritual game is a process, like everything else in our Lifestyle.  
~Beautifully Broken~

The Idea of A Collaring

I’ve read…and posted…a lot of articles about collars.  I’ve posted thousands of photos of collars.  Now, i’m even selling collars.  I think it’s only fair to discuss the meaning behind collars for a minute.  

Most of us know what each level of collar represents within the community as far as the D/s & M/s relationships go…but the personal meaning behind the idea of YOUR collar sometimes gets lost in the translation.  I know many s-types and the idea of the “collar” means something different to every single one.  The idea is so broad and vast that sometimes even the people within a couple don’t even share the same exact ideology about what their collar should and would mean.

The key to any relationship is open and honest communication.  The Lifestyle relationship is no exception.  I have personally found that the level of communication and transparency within a relationship dynamic is more evolved that a vanilla relationship, but that’s just me.  Just because the option for comminication is available, though, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy to engage.  

Discussing our feelings honestly opens us up to a huge amount of vulnerability.  That vulnerability can be very scary to face, even with your most trusted of partners.  Learning and engaging in clear and effective communication takes time and it takes honesty.  It also takes a rather thick skin…which many don’t have naturally.  So, honestly discussing what a collar means can be very uncomfortable if both/all parties aren’t on the same page.

I learned long ago that a collar (or a ring, bracelet or tattoo) isn’t the magic pill to a happy relationship.  They cannot be forced and if they are, most times, they have absolutely no emotional value whatsoever.  The monetary value usually isn’t much either, in my experience.  A collar won’t shut someone up about their anxieties and it won’t make them feel more secure if the relationship is of poor quality.  

A collar won’t make that poor quality relationship better…it usually only complicates things.  Especially if you’ve posted all over social media that you were collared Tuesday and abandoned by Sunday.  I’ve seen that in our Lifestyle more times than i can count, unfortunately.  You know in your gut if you should collar or be collared or not.  Sometimes, it’s just not that point of the relationship yet.  Sometimes, it’s not the right relationship at all.

So…what does a collar REALLY mean to you?  What does it signify?  How was it discussed?  What did you have to go thru as a couple/party to get to the place that collaring, at any stage, was right for you?  Have you ever had a bad experience with a collaring?

*GIF credit to DDlgdoodles

~Beautifully Broken~

BB’S BOUTIQUE Two Month Anniversary Promo Sale!!!!!

​I have several pieces of each item pictured in stock and available for immediate delivery, just in time for the holidays season!!  Each item is individually priced…but I’ll do Custom 3 Piece Bundles for $20 + S/H.

Email beautifullybrokensubmissive@gmail.com with your choice of items and your shipping information to recieve your Custom Purchase Invoice to order! 

~Beautifully Broken~

Three Years Ago…

…I was in the worst place I had ever been.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, I was completely bankrupt.  My vanilla marriage was crashing and burning, thrashing about in its agony, yet it just would not die.  I had stopped eating, cleaning the house, showering, doing laundry.  I could barely take care of my boys I was so mired down in my hellish depression.  EVERY OUNCE of energy I had each day went towards keeping them clean, fed and content.  I hated my life…but i loved my kids.  

I felt my 65 months of sobriety slipping away…and I had zero fuck to give.  I had just started talking to this guy in California thru Facebook’s messenger.  He seemed pretty cool…but a million miles away.  I told Him in needed a Dom.  He told me that I needed to listen to Him and not use.  I promised I wouldn’t.  I used later that afternoon.  I told Him what I had done and how I knew I was going to do it again…so I was checking myself into rehab.  He said He was proud of me and that He’d be there waiting when I got out.  That was the beginning of our dynamic.

Daddy looked right into the deepest, darkest part of me and found another like Himself.  I don’t know what He thought we’d become but He began micromanaging my every minute of my day (at my request) about a month after I got out of the hospital.  My household chores, my meal planning and preparation, my free time, all of it was at His discretion, even though He was 3,000 miles away.

Now, three years later, I’m in Phlebotomy classes, running and branding a new business, managing the household and caring for the children, all with His help, as He moved across country to live with us about 10 months ago.  Our lives have changed so dramatically and we’ve all come so incredibly far.  I couldn’t be more proud to be His submissive, His wife, His partner…and their Mother.  And He’s their Papa…their full time male role model.  Their Father.

I’m beyond grateful and happy right now and it’s even sweeter still because I can still remember that bitter twang on the back of my tongue back when everything was sour.  The only sweetness was the little bits of hope He taught me to see as His submissive…and slowly , we began making our dreams come true.

Happy Three Year Anniversary , Daddy !  I love You more than words can ever express.  Thank You for walking with me along our incredible journey.

~Beautifully Broken~

Finding Your Personal Balance of Submission And Independence 

I’ve often heard a newly enthralled couple stating things like, “You complete me’, to one another in person and in social media comments, as they coo and snuggle together (virtually, if need be).  We’ve read posts in this very group where couples have described themselves as being “everything” to each other, the “end all and be all” of their “universe”.  The flowery words of poetic sentiment, describing the emotions (as explosive fireworks and as paralyzing electricity) of a new relationship can get pretty racy pretty quickly.  Add in the extra intensity of a newly forged BDSM relationship and I’ve even heard the phrase, “Death means nothing”, in reference to the strength of the bond between the two parties.  (Oh wait, I remember where I’ve heard that.  I said it.  More than once.)

Are those poetic participles of passion a bit sappy and ultimately meaningless?  Yes, definitely…and no, not at all.

As with everything else, perception of the circumstances is key and everything is relative.  Semantics get in the way and all art gets torn from the moment.  And that’s good.  Sometimes we need to see what’s really going on right before our eyes in the absolute most objective way possible.

All of the memories of all those sweet words which were once whispered into your ear will not be enough to keep you from breaking down should the relationship come to an untimely end.  In fact, if you’re like most people, simply recalling the sentimentality of those words of love will make you want to scream when thought of after the relationship is ended.  It doesn’t matter how it ends either.  Only multally amicable partings are not completely devastating.  Otherwise, someone’s either cursing or praising the other’s name, depending ding on just how their partner exited the scene.

We are all very hard on ourselves on a daily basis.  Some of us even have protocol in our dynanic’s about negative self talk and defamatory remarks about our D-type’s property.  Talking and even thinking poorly of oneself is extremely unhealthy and counterproductive.  Most Doms will put guidelines into play because of the severity of psychological damage that comes along with that type of behavior.  Yet many of us still do it every single day.  Why?

I believe that a major reason for this type of negative attitude is because of deeply rooted insecurities which have gained a foothold in our psyche, going as far back as early childhood in some cases.  This type of discord brings about a lack of confidence, massive insecurities and low self esteem.  Exhibiting those negative traits makes for the perfect storm of neurosis, a breeding ground for poor, and even dangerous, life choices which are doomed from the start.  Living with all of those underlying psychological issues, all the while avoiding the  uncomfortable…and downright scary…root of the emotional turmoil (which triggered the occurrences of the negative and unhealthy coping mechanisms in the first place) only sets us up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, abandonment, distrust or what have you.

Sometimes a person can only begin to see themselves for who and what they really are by looking at themselves through the eyes of another person.  This type of objectivity is the main focus of cognitive therapy.  Sometimes a person can only begin to change their behavior for the better when given the directives to do so by another person they deem “in authority” per whatever qualifications they feel are important at the time.  I can see why patients are sometimes known to transfer strong emotions, and even sexual energy, onto their therapists.  Therapists are trained to deal with this occurrence and are honor bound not to encourage that type of behavior.  The rules for such transference aren’t so clear for many people, Lifestyle or otherwise, when this type of intense relationship occurs between people when other attractions are also present.

Participation in therapy is a requirement for many dynamics and BDSM should not be a substitute for that therapy in any way.  The dependence an s-type feels toward his/her D-type can be incredibly strong, the emotions can become almost overpowering, but any relationship, Lifestyle or otherwise, cannot be your whole universe.

No one can be your rock.  Rocks come and go.  You must be your own rock, first and foremost.  It’s wonderful to love someone, it’s spiritual to submit to someone…and it’s tragically painful to be left by someone.  I’m not saying to hold back your love or your submission but one MUST have a strong foundation of self-worth and belief in self-reliance before control can be given to another in any meaningful way.  I know, I “submitted ” before I was ready a few times…and in all but one case, I was damaged by the experience, to one degree or another.  All that pain and heartache can be easily avoided by simply taking your time with vetting, questioning, interviewing and negotiating with prospective partners…but it takes a healthy sense of self-worth to be able to learn how to do that and avoid the siren song of subfrenzy.

~Beautifully Broken~