Spicing in BDSM and Paganism 

Spicing a lover’s food and drinks with your bodily fluids is a ritual that is as old as time.  The intentions behind the act are both powerful and binding.  Rituals are found in both BDSM and Paganism and i feel most like myself when i am actively practicing both with my Daddy Dom.  My fascination with body fluid exchange and our shared fetish for blood plays naturally into my passion for such rituals within our dynamic.

Daddy and I have used His semen, both of our blood and my menstrual blood in our rituals.  All of our shared ritualized behaviors are rooted in both BDSM and Paganism because those intentions behind the behaviors come from inside the deepest parts of U/us, where BDSM and spirituality reside.

Daddy has always held a lovely obsession with my menstrual blood.  Even when we were long distance, his hunger for a token of my monthly blood was clearly evident.  The first gift I ever sent Him was a small, sealed vial of menstrual blood.  I sent Him another about a year later.  When He moved from California to Connecticut with us, He performed a binding ritual, pouring both vials of my gifted menstrual blood into the Earth, binding our relationship into the ground upon which we stood as we made the vows of The Rite of Handfasting in May of 2015.

We made a set of blood vial pendants which are set upon chains shortly after Daddy moved in last March.  Daddy wears His a lot, usually on a chain with the key to my formal event collar.  He is a Sanguinarian.  He drinks my blood and finds the act sacred.  Taking my blood into His body is the ultimate act of Dominance and my allowances to do so are the ultimate display of submission within our dynamic…and my pendant is a reminder to Him.  Daddy’s blood is off limits to me so His carefully made vial is a treasured token of love and trust, something that He has shared with me alone.

Daddy and I are sexually monogamous, emotionally monogamous and fluid bonded.  Even if we do ever play with others, the exchange of body fluids will be restricted both for safety as well as personal morality preference.  Such restrictions are solely dependant on individual basis and negotiating is a must when fleshing out such scenes.  We believe in the sanctity of our ritualized behaviors and that’s not something that everyone just gets to experience when we play with others.

Daddy and I are very eager to begin using His semen in such ritualized manners.  Freezing it into “cum cubes” and adding the frozen cubes into my drinks is especially attractive to us…but living in my mother’s home at the moment while we are getting on our feet, that’s just not possible.  I can only imagine her face if I were to tell her not to touch the cubes in the blue tray…  For now, I am satisfied by licking His love off of my lips and breasts after a session, as semen does not keep long at all and is only usable if it is used fresh from the source or frozen immediately.

Dipping a lollypop into oneself after a session is a sweet and sexy way to taste both you and your partner together.  Just be sure to wash well afterwards if you engage in such acts with food as sugars and starches inside the vagina can cause serious infections brought on by an overgrowth of bacteria 

~Beautifully Broken~

Break The Cycle

FB_IMG_1470081978103

I love this.  

I completely agree that an abuser will tell you every sordid detail of their traumatic past to get their victims to understand their motives and prove that it wasn’t their fault they are abusive, they just can’t help it…and that’s absolute bullshit.  

It’s a choice to perpetuate the cycle of abuse and violence.

It’s a choice to raise your hands in anger against your partner.

It’s a choice to spit insults at your partner.

It’s a choice to slam things and punch walls to intimidate your partner.

These tactics listed above are all abuse…not triggers to abuse, not predispositions/preludes to abuse…they are abuse.  Straight up, 100%.

I was choked out by a live in partner in my early 20’s.  He could have killed me for all he knew, right there on the living room rug. When I woke up, he was in the shower, sitting in the corner of the tub, crying.  Ain’t that just too precious??  Jerk.  He wanted me to understand that he hit because his dad used to hit him and that’s all he knew.  Be that as it may…and it was the god’s honest truth…but it wasn’t my fault he made that choice.  He was angry at me for telling him to move out.  Like I owed him something, salvation or enough love to “fix” him or whatever.  No.  I owed myself the dignity of leaving the relationship. Four years completely wasted, save for that final lesson.

I was abused and survived plenty of trauma in my life.  I did not choose to continue that cycle.  I chose to break the cycle with my own children and in my current relationships.  I don’t hold people emotionally hostage or act out so they are physically threatened.  I made the choice to be better to others than what was done to me.

THAT is where my power lays.

FB_IMG_1470076377233

This used to be me too.

For a long time, I was caught in a cycle of abandonment and intense attachments. I was either bigger than God or smaller than a speck. The mania and depression swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I was convinced that there was nothing I could do about it because I had bipolar depression and my brain was misfiring on the neurological level, causing all sorts of issues with my mood and personality, which was only exacerbated by my addiction and self harm issues. I thought it was all hopeless. I was almost resigned to a life of manic highs and depressive lows, usually cycling to the beat of my romantic and sexual life. But I had an imbalance of chemicals…it wasn’t my fault.

Then one day I watched a documentary about the mental health system of care in America. I watched as they discussed the true nature of psychology…as a pseudo-science rather than a branch of true medical science, reinforced by scientific evidence of any real merit. There are no blood tests to diagnose depression, let alone bipolar depression. There is no oral swab to check for borderline personality disorder. The only type of true scientific research that shows reactions for mental health issues are things like seizure disorders and schizophrenia. Most of the other major mood and anxiety disorders are presenting on scans just like addiction. The brain IS rewiring itself but that’s in response to external stimulation, not some internal brain chemistry already in affect. We are programming ourselves to be depressed and anxious and addicted.

We program ourselves, slowly over time. Avoidance of this issue and exhibiting addictive behaviors because of that issue make us retreat into depression and the cycle continues on, ad nauseum. It’s up to US to break that cycle. We can reprogram ourselves to become more self aware and to start taking personal responsibility for our actions and choices. Once you begin to LIVE your life, to actually feel and experience your emotions without pills, booze and whatever other distractions you’ve personally come to enjoy. It fucking hurts to feel sometimes. Other times, it’s scary and uncomfortable. But sometimes it’s wonderful. The payoff to happiness is slow going. One little accomplishment leads to the next and your character builds upon that success. So many people are asleep nowadays. They are intentionally ignorant to the state of the world, the state of the country, the state of their state and the state of their own bodies. Apathy is easier than proactivity…it’s easier to keep repeating the same old cycles and patterns than it is to break free of all those old paradigms and start something new.

They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. The unknown scares the fuck out of almost every one of us and that’s what manifests itself into depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders as we desperately try to control things we cannot possibly control.

All we can do is control our thoughts…and by doing that, we control ourselves, no matter the situation.  We can reclaim the power and rights to our own spirits, minds and bodies, to once again become free and unburdened by the weight of society’s cycles of depression, anxiety, fear, trauma and all types abuse.

What are your thoughts on the subject?

~Beautifully Broken~

cycle

What Is a Little?

BDSM is made up of a broad and vast spectrum of roles, identities and dynamics.  No where is this more visible than when discussing a “little”.   A little is a person who most often submits, either through their actions in a BDSM scene or within their personal mindset by means of a power exchange.  Littles can range from child-like to childish in their appearance and their behavior, both in and out of the context of BDSM.  Littles come in every shape, size, race, ethnicity, sex, gender and mindset.  The mere thought of trying to categorize us all has been daunting…and it has taken some dedicated time to write out here…but after getting some more insight from others within the community, I think I am beginning to understand the differences among all of the various types of littles, even the differences with which I do not agree nor endorse for myself.

Just a quick note…

When we are discussing any aspect of BDSM, and that includes littles, I am ONLY talking about consensual adults of legal age, whatever that may be for your area.  Personally, I don’t discuss BDSM with anyone under 18 years old and Daddy and I won’t play together with anyone who is under 21 years old, but that’s just O/our personal morality on the subject.

Recently, there has been an explosion on social media of adolescent girls and boys, from 11 to 17 years old, who are attracted to what they think it means to be a little and they claim to identify as such.  I assure you, they do not.  They cannot.  They are children, children who are playing at a very dangerous game, within a reality filled with adult scum who are more than happy to take advantage of all that pre-teen and teenage angst and melancholy, pretending to love and care for the adolescent, online and by phone, so they can take advantage of someone who they perceive to be “weaker” as they easy to manipulate and control.

SUCH A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT BDSM, IT IS NOT AGE PLAY, IT IS NOT ROLE PLAY NOR IS IT AN EXAMPLE OF ANY TYPE OF A BDSM CAREGIVER RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC.  

PRACTICING BDSM OR PARTICIPATING ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WITH MINORS IS IMMORAL AND ILLEGAL.

PERIOD. 

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s move on to the categorization of those amazing creature called “littles”.

Age Players vs Lifestylers

As I’ve previously stated, there are many variations of littles and the first method of categorization is to distinguish between those littles who are age players and those littles who are lifestylers.  While some littles may identity as a mixture between the two, almost all littles gravitate towards one or the other.  Being a little is either something you pretend to be during certain times or something you are all of the time.

Age Playing littles are the role players.  These people are only ‘little’ during certain times, with certain people and/or for specific purposes.  A person may choose to emotionally regress and exhibit their age playing ‘little side’ during a scene or for an evening and then they have the capability to turn it “off” and resume their normal day to day life as a mature adult when the specified time period is over.

Lifestyler littles are ‘little’ all of the time, even in their daily lives, to one degree or another.  For a lifestyler  little, being ‘little’ is a mindset and part of their core personality, rather than a role that they slip in and out of at their discretion or upon command.  Lifestyle littles may or may not emotionally regress as their constant state of mind can potentially make regressing obsolete.

Types of Littles 

  • Adult Babies

Adult Babies (AB) are the “youngest” type of little, usually exhibiting the behaviors of a newborn to 2 years old.  They can either role play as an adult acting as an infant or they can emotionally regress back to their “baby space”, the desired state of mind where they are inhibiting the headspace of an infant.  This desire to behave, dress and be treated as an infant is called infantilism.  Infantilists are driven by the need to feel safe and secure at the most primary level, having their most basic needs of food, shelter, cleanliness, warmth and love met by their Caregiver.  Adult Babies are the “submissive” partner in a Caregiver relationship dynamic because they receive that sensation of well being but the power exchange is much more driven by meeting the needs of the Adult Baby (or the “bottom”) rather than satisfying the desires of the Caregiver (or the “Top”).  The Caregiver counterpart to the AB can take whatever name the participants desire for the dynamic within a “parent/child”, “student/teacher” or other such caregiver paradigm.  While some ABs enjoy sexualized scenes when they are in “baby space”, the majority of them do not engage in any sexualized kinks athe all while in this headspace.  Adult Babies are not interested in nor do they condone any acts of pedophilia.  The appeal of the Caregiver relationship paradigm for many people is the express consent which is required in order to participate in such a bonded dynamic.  ABs may seek to reclaim their personal power after a history of sexual abuse during edge play scenarios with their Caregiver, if the trauma occurred very early on in life and the mindset is similarly applied,  but this type of exploration is at the sole discretion of each dynamic and should only be attempted in a safe and loving environment after completing thorough research and discussions.

  • Diaper Lovers

Diaper Lovers (DL) are often categorized with Adult Babies because they can share some of the same memtal/emotional/behavioral traits, but that’s where the similarities stop with Diaper Lovers.  DLs may or may not emotionally regress but for the Diaper Lovers, the desire is linked to the aspect control involved in the power exchange.  DL scenes can become highly sexualized and include other aspects of BDSM, such as bondage and discipline.  The participants in the dynamic may be scene only, 24/7 or anything in between.  They may subscribe to an M/s, D/s, switch power exchange and/or Caregiver dynamic.  They may share a diaper fetish which can increase the appeal to delve further in other aspects of control and sexuality in other BDSM edge play scenario, such as water sports and scat play.

  • Littles

Littles are next in line along the age regression, mental and emotional functionality and fetish chart.  Littles can range from 2 to 11 years old and can be further divided into “young littles” (2- 6) and “older littles” (7-11).  Both young and older littles can be both age playing role players as well as lifestyler mindset.  “Little space” can range from an exaggerated…and greatly extended…role play scenario to a quiet calm within while participating in childlike activities.  Some littles are into pacifiers and bottles but many leave that to the ABDLs.  Littles almost universally enjoy coloring, we find it therapeutic, although our choices in coloring pages and artistic mediums will vary greatly.  Scenes in “littles space” are almost entirely non-sexual among younger littles but sexualized scenes are common among older littles, whether they are role playing age players or maintain the lifestyler mindset.

  • Middles

Middles are the ‘teenagers’ of the littles.  Middles range from 12 to 17 years old, in various combinations of mental, emotional, behavioraland spiritual presentation.  Middles are usually always lifestyler mindset orientated but there are some who role play as a middle for specific periods of time and under certain conditions.  Middles are usually extremely sexual, to the point of being overt, in their scenes with their “Top”, “Big” and/or Caregiver, usually a (wo)man who is older than (s)he and facilitates the power exchange, be it D/s, switch or symbiotic Caregiver.  Middles may also be more prone to enjoy sadomasochistic activities within their dynamics more than some other types of littles.

  • Baby Girls/Baby Boys

Baby Girls and Baby Boys are a product of the Internet age.  Baby Girls and Baby Boys are most often found on online, on BDSM/kink/fetish pages and groups, using terrible grammar and outrageous spelling to convey their bratty, and often outright disrespectful, sentiments in chat conversations.  These are the littles who subscribe to a power exchange only if they are in fact the ones in charge.  The Daddies, Mommies or other such counterparts are driven near mad with the Baby Girl’s/Boy’s neediness and constant need for absolute attention, attention that can very well entail listening to baby talk for hours at a time.  These are the types who thrive on brattiness and lack any desire to submit, for whatever the motivating factor, and their “Big” Caregivers have to follow tow or quickly move along, sometimes after being accused of abuse due to “sniffling the exploration of (the female’s) baby girl side”.  There are always exceptions to every rule but this type of little does not see brattiness as a character flaw.  The Baby Girl/Boy is in complete control of this dynamic.  The relationship is driven by sexuality, exploration and debauchery and may very well include a ‘Daddy kink’ in addition to whatever power exchange and/or Caregiver paradigm they primarily pratice…or the Daddy Kink could be the entire motivating factor behind the relationship.  This dynamic can be based on an absolute lie or the god’s honest truth…but the chances of it ever coming to successful fruition are slim because of the physical and emotional boundaries contained within the foundation of the relationship itself.  Rarely are both parties actually seeking long term commitments, despite decrying otherwise.  The Baby Girl/Boy is seeking control and the counterpart is happy to oblige, turning the dynamic compleyely bottom-driven.

  • Babygirls/Lolitas

The Babygirl/Lolita type of little is perhaps the most sexually explicit of all the little submissive archetype described here.  The Babygirl/Lolita is the maiden, the sacred whore, the priestess, the ritual font from which all carnal knowledge is drawn, the Acolyte and even the Goddess Herself.  A Babygirl/Lolita is also about a display of submissive power, however this power is submitted to the Caregiver counterpart who takes the form of the priest, the sacred masculine and even God Himself.  These archetypes of Dominance and submission are ancient and sacred, repeating thru history to deepen the spiritual connection attained through the flesh.

  • Pets

     Pets can be classified as littles too!  A pet is a “bottom” who assumes a submissive role when behaving like an animal, usually an adorable kind of animal, like a kitten or puppy.  Pets can be of a role play mindset or a lifestyler mindset and it’s not uncommon for both types to overlap within one person or dynamic.  Pets may retain human qualities or give themselves over completely to their Owner/Caregiver, again, depending on the situation and/or dynamic. 

    The exact name that a little is given or takes for themselves can vary greatly from the ones listed above but each archetype description of the behavior and characteristics of a little stands firm.  Littles may submit, they may play at submitting, they may role play sexual submission or they may not submit at all, preferring the dominant role in their dynamics, or preferring none whatsoever.  For every type of little, there is a Big counterpart, no matter which type of dynamic they enjoy.

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    A Sanguinarian, Blade Play and Blood Play Scene

    Daddy and I are a part of the Sanguinarian lifestyle, which means we participate in the acts of feeding and donating blood during scenes and sex.  Daddy always feeds, I always donate.  He is called a ‘Sang’ and I am called a ‘swan’.  I always cut myself to get the blood He so badly craves.  He has yet to lift a blade against me.  We are both okay with that.  We both know each other’s limits as far as blade play and blood play.

    Last night, He lit the candles and dimmed the lights in our bedroom.  I gathered the blade, the disinfectant, the bandages and the bandages and laid them out before us on the shelf.  He sat down on the bed as I stood before Him, holding the blade.  He took the blade from my hand, looked up at me and asked if I was ready.  I looked at Him quizically and asked, “Are You?”.  His hesitation to answer my question told me that no, indeed He was not..and that was perfectly okay.  Negotiating a scene, especially an emotionally and/or sexually charged scene, should never take place during a scene, but rather before, when everyone is still level headed and reasonable.

    I took the blade from my Lover’s hand and made a thin scratch on my forearm.  He took my hand, lifted my arm to His lips and licked the thin stream of blood from the wound.  He began grabbing and squeezing the scratch, pressing a bit more blood to the surface and savored the coppery taste.  When He had drank all the small scratch would yield, He released my arm and I picked up the blade again.  I made two slightly deeper cuts on my upper thigh and Daddy waited with His breath drawn in for the shallow cuts to begin to show red.  The blood began to pool in little droplets at the surface as He closed His eyes and lowered His mouth to the wounds.  Growling in His throat, He licked and sucked at my blood, hungry and excited for more.

    The endorphins had just began to kick in for me, the pain of the shallow cuts exacerbated by His suckling and needing at the wounds.  Subspace was close…the pain was pulling me slowly into a hazy, darkened fog…my body began to shake and spasm involuntarily.  Daddy growled again and pulled my thigh to Him,  hard and rough…the way He enjoys feeding the most.

    When He had taken all the blood the shallow cuts would allow, He released my thigh and directed me to start cleaning the cuts and scratches.  He was breathing deeply…but He was not yet satisfyed.  He had just told me to clean my wounds, signaling that part of the scene was finished.  I felt like I had failed Him.  I knew He was dissatisfied with the level out output, yet He had ended the scene.

    “Let me cut deeper for You,” I asked, my eyes rimmed with tears.

    “I never said you had to cut so shallow,” He responded.

    I took up the blade for the third time.  I made three deep cuts on my thigh, one next to the other, just below the other two He had just bleed dry.  These cuts were deep.  Not deep enough to require stitches (which is a hard limit at the present time) but deep enough for the blood droplets to pool at the surface of the wounds and drip down my leg, running together and increasing the bloodflow.  He looked at my blood, the rivulets trickling down my thigh, and He grabbed my leg, hard, and began to feed.

    Subspace was now fully engulfing me, drawing me slowly into its darkened shadows.  My body was trembling and my head was fuzzy as He licked and sucked at my burning thigh.  He was finally satisfying His burning desires for blood and pain.  My blood.  My pain.  All for Him.  Only for Him.

    And now, here I sit, the morning after, typing this passage as a momemto.   My wounds cleaned and still stinging, remembering the passion with which we practiced our scene and the lovemaking that followed.  Cherishing the ease with which He wiped away my fears of inadequacy last night, as easily as He wipes the tears from my eyes…and the blood from my thighs.

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    stock-photo-a-surgeons-scalpel-with-a-blood-covered-blade-set-on-a-white-background-over-a-blood-splatter-35670403

    Conflict Within a D/s Relationship Dynamic 

    *Originally written and posted on Facebook on December 28, 2015.

    No matter the people, no matter the dynamic, everyone gets into misunderstandings from time to time.  Occassionally, those misunderstandings can shift into disagreements.  Sometimes, those disagreements can devolve into arguments.  Once in a while, those arguments can spiral into full blown fights.  Once the partners are full on fighting in a D/s dynamic, the relationship WILL suffer because it has succumbed to a serious lack of communication skills, an absence of self-control techniques and a complete breakdown of the established and agreed upon D/s dynamic roles by both/all involved parties.  It takes at least two people to fight, after all.

    That said, i actually think that *some* degree of conflict is healthy within a relationship.  Conflict shows that all parties have a mind of their own and that they’re passionate about the relationship.  If anyone in the dynamic ALWAYS just blindly follows all the time, even the submissive in a D/s dynamic, as if they’re on Stepford autopilot as it were, that would show a lack of independent thought and a serious lack of interest in the well-being of the relationship.  For my Dom and i, we personally feel that apathy in our dynamic is worse than fighting.  However, neither fighting nor apathy is an option.  So, what do we do when tempers are flaring and miscommunication is at it’s peak?

    Well, for us, we had to work thru many misunderstandings, disagreements, arguments and fights to get to the place we’re at now.  For Him, as the Dominant in our relationship, He needed to become secure in His role.  This included tactics such as not taking the things i say during an argument personally and not allowing His emotions to rule Him (especially when I’m doing exactly that) so that a simple disagreement doesn’t become a full-blown fight.  He also needed to learn what I was really trying to say during a misunderstanding, long before it devolved into a fight, so that He could help me to better express myself when I’m upset.  Another key method of conflict resolution He learned was effective discipline.  He needed to learn how to always be a few steps ahead of me, like being ready to offer suggestions to find a solution to our differences and to have fair and effective punishments at the ready for the times when i do overstep our boundaries.  These tools have cost Him many sleepless nights to earn.

    He was not alone in His efforts.  For me, as His submissive, I had to learn self-control techniques, such as breathing and counting to ten silently before I speak so i don’t speak disrespectfullly to Him when I’m upset.  I also had to be consciously aware of my submission at all times…even and especially when I’m angry or scared…and I do this by using an emotional safe word when I feel like I’m losing control.  Calling our emotional safe word lets Brian know that I’m REALLY struggling with keeping it together and that i need His understanding and empathy in a serious way.  Just witnessing that act of submission alone will re-focus Him.  My act of submission shows my vulnerability and my desire to admit my wrongdoings.  When i can do that from a place of love and humility, He’ll instantly let go of all His defense mechanisms and that’s when He’s most fully my Daddy Dom…loving, nurturing and without one shred of doubt that He is fully capable of taking me in hand to discipline with love.  When we are in harmony like that, even during an emotional breakdown, we know that together we will correct the situation before us.  As long as open and honest communication is still functional, we know that there is a solution to our issue.

    For us, it all came down to a single choice…and I had to make that serious choice…

    Would I truly submit?

    Would I put His will before mine in all situations, under all circumstances?  Or would I only submit in BDSM scenes and during sexual activities?  Was I a submissive or was I a bottom?  My choice would dictate whether my Daddy was a Dominant or a Top within our relationship dynamic.  Only I could answer those questions…and i needed to answer them before we could evolve in our relationship dynamic to take the major step on which we’re embarking on together.  The choice to be a Dominant or a submissive isn’t one to be made lightly…but the choice to truly submit was the most empowering and freeing decision that i have ever made.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that if I ever get up the gall tell Him to “take His things and go”, that I’ll be promptly tossed over one shoulder as He carries me out the door and that i will be swiftly met with a serious punishment once my feet return to the ground.  Being secure within that knowledge makes me feel so incredibly safe, protected, loved, owned, cared for…and, truthfully, hotter than Hell for my amazing Dominant.

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    My 10 Steps To Surrender and Submission in a D/s Caregiver Relationship

    *Originally written and posted on Facebook on July 17, 2016.

    I have always been a woman who has feared change. I don’t trust easily. I am a creature of habit and whenever I have needed to grow and evolve, my signature move has always been to first dig in my heels and become as stubborn as stone before looking at the situation rationally. Relinquishing control in any situation has always initially filled me with at least low level of fear and anxiety because allowing someone else to have any control over me anywhere besides the bedroom hasn’t ever ended well for me or the relationship. All this sounds strange when you take into account that I am striving to be a devoted submissive. Along my journey with my Daddy Dominant, i have learned that the idea of fear and submission co-existing together inside the same person is, at best, a confusing contradiction of terms and at worst, a telltale sign of great hypocrisy. My fear has held me back in life more times than I can count…but I’m working on changing that permanently. I have broken these changes I have been making down into several steps that I have been tirelessly working…

    1. Step One: Know Yourself

    The biggest factors that continually reinforced my fear were actually my own thoughts and behaviors. I would choose partners who I knew were incapable of meeting my needs and when they would eventually let me down and hurt me, I would deal with it by displaying even more destructive behaviors so I could further punish myself and “get what I had coming”. That display was unhealthy emotional and physical masochism at its finest. I knew I had to change my thoughts and behaviors if I was ever going to have a fulfilling and rich life, especially a life built around any type of a D/s element. I had to let go of the self-destructive patterns (like overthinking and catastrophic thinking) and cease the self-sabotaging behaviors (like drug abuse and self harm techniques) that I had used my entire life and replace them with a new sense of becoming self aware and awakening my full potential by becoming praticed in healthy coping mechanisms.

    2. Step Two: Know Your Partner

    The fact that I wasn’t going thru this self discovery alone made this journey much easier to bare. My Dom has been doing His own reflecting, growing and changing right along with me. The second factor I needed to accept was that my Dom is in fact worthy of my complete submission because He has continually proven Himself to be capable of the responsibility of leading our Caregiver dynamic. He has proven His love, care, devotion, honorable intentions and capacity for dominance at every turn, in both His words and His actions. He understands that He cannot assume control of His submissive if He doesn’t have control of Himself and He strives to better Himself daily, right along side of me. Finding a partner who is on the same page spiritually, emotionally, intellectually as well as sexually and who is capable and eager to take this journey right along with me has been a tremendous gift that I shall never take for granted.

    3. Step Three: Ground Your Dynamic In Reality

    The third factor I had to overcome was the first step my Dom and i had to tackle together. From here on out, these steps were ours to master. We were challenged to design our new dynamic. Our previous dynamic was long distance with intermittent visits so while we could carry some aspects over into our new arrangement, we were pretty much starting from scratch when we began living together and began practicing our dynamic 24/7. As this was all new, we could design our dynamic as we choose and we quickly understood that we had to create it within our own personal reality. All the talking and hours of discussions were finally able to be put into practice and we modified situations and expectations as we went along. We also learned patience and humility as we designed our parameters and He got creative with His designs because of all the obstacles to our time and privacy. I came to see challenges as feats to be conquered rather than evidence of impending defeat because He helped me to see them as such.

    4. Step Four: Release Your Expectations

    We learned how to stay consistent to our goals and expectations while rolling with the punches of every day life. The fourth factor i needed to accept if we were going to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship was that our expectations of how our dynamic was “supposed” to look were often times holding us back from what our dynamic could someday potentially become. As a submissive, part of my responsibilities include expressing my needs, wants, sexual limits and emotional boundaries to my Dominant. As a Dominant, part of His responsibilities include working within those parameters to establish my routines, tasks, rituals and rules to reinforce His will. I learned that it is not my responsibility to hover, nag, manipulate or influence His will, because He already knows exactly what He wants to enforce in our dynamic. I need to demostrate my faith and trust in Him to both meet my needs as necessary and to satisfy my wants as He sees fit.

    5. Step Five: Focus on Gaines Rather Than Losses

    The only way I could demostrate this faith and trust to Him was to compleyely surrender control to Him, in and out of the bedroom, in all aspects of our lives together. The fifth factor that I needed to acknowledge was that I was not giving anything up by submitting to Him but rather I was gaining everything I had ever wanted. I did not need to mourn the life I gad previous but rather I could relax knowing that I now had the structure to live the life I wanted to live because He had given me the tools to thrive as I meet my goals. I now had a partner to co-parent our children along side me instead of being all on my own. The focus was now on teamwork rather than individuality…and that was tough to accept at first but I had to give Him the room to grow and conform into His new roles and responsibilities if He was ever going to be completely comfortable meeting them. He has rewarded my faith and encouragement with the love that only a real Man has for His wife and children.

    6. Step Six: Accept Your Faults and Flaws

    Looking back, I could have just shut my mouth, opened my eyes and saw these factors for what they were months ago but I needed the time to see the differences between our healthy relationship rather than all the unhealthy ones to which I had grown accustomed. The sixth factor that I needed to come to terms with was that sometimes I am a part of our problems. This one hurt a lot to acknowledge. Sometimes He is doing everything in His capabilities to lead our dynamic but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough for me and I get moody or aggravated. Admitting He is enough means that I am finally taking responsibility for my feelings of insecurity, my own errors in judgment and my own lapses in reason…and while that is never easy to do, it certainly is a necessary step to building any partnership, especially one rooted in D/s. Even though He is my Daddy Dom, that doesn’t mean that I am spoiled, entitled or allowed to display unacceptable behaviors. My mindset as a middle is not an excuse to get my own way but rather a child-like extension of the best of me…all the wonder, awe, joy, self-expression, imagination and silliness I hold dear to my heart, I’m finally able to share them with my other half.

    7. Step Seven: Realize You’re Both On The Same Side

    In every relationship I was ever in, I was the one who was in control of the dynamic because I chose partners who would not assume control. Offering and practicing my submission to my Daddy Dom has rendered that cycle obsolete. The seventh factor I needed to accept was that even though we may seem separated by the personal elements of our power exchange, we are actually bound together through both of our shared experiences and common goals. We compliment one another and elevate each other in ways I never thought possible because we have fashioned a dynamic that works for us. I no longer struggle with accepting His will because He never asks for anything unreasonable. I no longer have to question “just for clarity”, the intentions are clear simply because they are His will. That is reason enough to comply. That doesn’t mean we have stopped discussing things together, definitely not, but rather I have seen that we truly are on the same side in all our endeavors and that makes it so much easier to trust Him and our dynamic completely.

    8. Step Eight: Focus on Mindset Rather Than Action

    The main reason our dynamic functions as well as it does and we thrive as a result of our continued efforts is because we have both committed ourselves to the process. We have decided that failure isn’t an option and we know that we will overcome any obstacles in our path together. The eighth factor that i have come to understand is that our D/s is rooted in our shared mindset rather than in sex, scenes, acts of submission or shows of dominance. While all those aspects play instrumental parts in shaping our dynamic, they do not create or drive our dynamic…our devotion to one another and our comittment to our shared goals does that instead. This realization further allows us to roll with the punches of every day life and to build a dynamic that is flexible enough to sustain us for the immediate future while being consistent enough to endure for the long term.

    9. Step Nine: Be The Change You Want To See

    Sometimes being a part of a D/s Caregiver partnership means focusing on my own aspects while the other person deals with their personal issues. The ninth factor that I needed to accept was that D/s isn’t always about checks and balances. Sometimes D/s entails doing what you know you should be doing without praise, guidance or recognition. Dominating and serving can both function independently for short periods of time without any outside acknowledgement from the other partner. Of course, any relationship cannot exist like that for long but sometimes just putting your money where your mouth is and walking the talk can be a powerful inspiration to your counterpart during times of struggle and hardship. If your partner can count on you to pick up the slack when necessary, they are encouraged to put in the extra effort it takes to percivier and triumph…and of course the reverse is true as well.

    10. Step Ten: Focus on the Journey

    There is no finish line for a D/s relationship. BDSM cannot be practiced within a vacuum. The dynamic grows and changes as its participants learn and evolve. It has to…or it becomes stagnant and eventually dies. The tenth factor that I had to acknowledge was that D/s, just like life, is a process and the journey is much more important than any speculated end result or perceived goal. The actions of today aren’t hinged on the actions of yesterday. We can always start over and do better. Does that mean we have no accountability for yesterday? No, of course not…but we do have the opportunity to swallow our pride and do what we know to be right for ourselves, our partner and our relationship.

    These steps highlight the issues i had to deal with and overcome in order to let go of my need for control and begin to truly submit. Unfortunately, it took me almost destroying our relationship before I figured them out. Luckily for me, my Daddy is an understanding and realistic Dominant. He sees the real me, the girl I hide deep inside from almost everyone else and he helps me show her off to the world. He knew that I had been damaged in several ways by my previous relationships long before I met Him. He also knew that it wasn’t His job to fix me or to put up with my irrational bullshit. He made the choice to love a damaged person, knowing it would be a difficult journey but He felt the potential He saw in me and in us was worth the initial investments of time and patience. It was that gesture of acceptance and loyalty which first allowed me to begin to open up to Him and that planted those initial seeds of trust and devotion.

    If you have found someone who loves, cares for and understands the real you, don’t let them go without a fight…and especially don’t let them go because you’re too proud and stubborn to change those aspects of yourself which no longer serve you and hold you back from your true potential and happiness. We are humans are limitless in our potential to overcome the obstacles in our path and in our capacity to love and care for ourselves, our family and our tribe. I will forever respect my Daddy for helping me to learn, understand and practice this valuable lesson and I demonstrate that respect through my complete submission and devotion to Him in the same manner…without limits.

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    FB_IMG_1469740470576

    Ice Play Techniques

    *Originally written and posted on Facebook on September 10, 2015.

    Ice is a very versatile tool in a Dominant’s sensory play bag of tricks. Ice can be used as a method of pleasure and also as a punishment technique. Most submissives (and some Dominants too!) enjoy the feeling of an ice cube being traced over their bare nipples and down their nude bellies during a scene.

    I’ve even known Dominants who punish their submissives by placing multiple ice cubes up inside the submissive…and the submissive must clench to keep the ice inside as they stand or kneel over a towel while the ice melts and the cold water drips from their body. I’ve personally experienced this punishment with a former Dom…and as a result of this association with punishment, I’m no longer a fan of ice play.

    Luckily for me, however, I’m in a fabulous BDSM group and a few weeks ago I read a post about “Cum Cubes”. The name is pretty self-explanatory. Something about the idea was completely intriguing and when my Dom saw the post, we decided that such nifty little frozen cubes His love were definitely in my future. Happily, a couple can use cum cubes in real time or long distance relationships.

    While talking with my Dom last night, i mentioned a post about the Clothes Pin Zipper String Method and how I’d have a few sets ready by the time He visited. I could hear the excitement in His voice as He told me about His latest idea to break thru my “big freeze” (ice play) barrier…Ice Cubes on a String!!

    The concept is similar to a clothes pin zipper string method. First, fill an ice cube tray half full of water and let it freeze completely. Then place a length of string or ribbon across the top of the ice and secure the string/ribbon on each side of the ice cube tray. Next fill up the ice cube tray the rest of the way and allow the ice to freeze with the string/ribbon in the middle. When you remove the ice from the tray, the ice cubes will be attached. The ice cubes on the string can then be used on the submissive by placing the cubes one by one into the submissive…and then yanking them out all at once during orgasm.

    What are some of YOUR favorite ways to enjoy sensory play with ice?

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    FB_IMG_1469654075232

    Edge Play After A History of Self Harm

    *Originally written and posted on Facebook on November 15, 2015

    *** TRIGGER WARNING ***

    The following content includes the topics of several BDSM edge play scenarios, sexual abuse, mental health disorders and addiction issues in a frank and graphic manner.


    I decided to write this piece on participating in edge play after a history of self harm because there are so many in the BDSM Community, Dominant, switch and submissive…male, female and non-binary alike…who either currently deal with or who have dealt with self harm issues at some point in their lives. Self harm can be defined as any action or thought, that once realized, does harm to one’s self. These realizations can be physical, emotional and/or mental in their masochistic tendencies. They can manifest as eating disorders, acts of self harm, addictions, compulsions and engaging in unsafe behaviors. These personal issues are then carried over into our D/s or M/s relationship dynamics, in which they are either:
    1. Ignored and left to fester,
    2. Exploited and made worse or
    3. Resolved and ultimately healed.

    I truly believe that the loving and safe environment that a healthy Lifestyle relationship can provide is an excellent platform for growth and change for all parties within the dynamic. The open and honest communication that’s achieved by way of many hours of in-depth discussions ultimately builds trust and eventually promotes a bond between the parties that is extremely unique, highly honored and deeply sacred to everyone involved. Edge play can be a wonderful vehicle in which to reclaim one’s own inner power and to re-establish one’s own personal headspace and even to refresh the D/s mindset from those of the past that were unhealthy and destructive into present ones that are both healthy and productive.

    In this article, i have defined edge play as any of the BDSM activities which carry some inherent risk to the participants’ emotional, physical, mental and/or spiritual health and safety. Even if these activities are preformed to the highest caliper of standards and all safety precautions are heeded, there is still an element of risk involved. These activities can be thought of as acts that can either take a person to:
    1. The edge of their comfort zone
    2. The edge of their personal limits
    3. The edge of the blade / tip of the needle or
    4. The edge of Death itself

    Most people who participate the various types of edge play will most often subscribe to the risk and responsibility paradigms of RACK or PRICK rather than to SSC. The philosophies of RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk Informed Consensual Kink) state that while we are aware of the risks the accompany certain BDSM activities and scenes, we take our personal responsibility for our own education on the topic and comply with the use of safer practices while engaging in these types of consensual kinks. We fully acknowledge and understand that such activities may not fall under the philosophy of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) to which many BDSMers subscribe…and that’s totally okay.

    Always remember, YKINMKBYKIOK!! (Your kink is not my kink but your kink is o.k.)

    These various types of edge play can include, but are not limited to, any BDSM activities that carry an inherent risk (up to and including death) and that can also be possible triggers for a psychological breakdown. Such a breakdown could lead to one or more of the participants displaying an expression of self harm, in either their thoughts or actions. Such high risk edge play activities can include:
    *blood play
    *needle play
    *blade play
    *scarification
    *piercings
    *suture play
    *medical play
    *branding
    *tattooing
    *burning
    *rape play
    *breathe play
    *age play and
    *any other sadomasochistic physical activities or emotional head-trips that could be used in a non-consensual, derogatory and/or unhealthy manner.

    This topic is very personal to me and it’s very much a part of O/our dynamic. I’ve dealt with mania, depression and anxiety, coupled with my resulting self harm issues, including cutting, eating disorders and substance abuse, for over 25 years. Actually, i suppose rather than “dealing” with them, I was really just running from them; ignoring and avoiding them at all costs. I did that very well for many years. I was isolated and depressed at times and wild and reckless at others. i began coping with all my unresolved anxieties, fears and anger issues by cutting at 11 years old and i continued this for several years.

    The psychological buzzword “trigger” wasn’t commonplace back then in the early 90’s and, even if it had been, i wasn’t anywhere near capable of discovering what mine actually were. I was way too psychologically stunted, emotionally fragile and completely repressed by my own feelings of shame and guilt to do that. I was tormented daily by my emotions and thoughts which were stemming from my abandoment issues and the traumatic flashbacks i was having of rape and molestation. I quickly progressed from occassional cutting episodes to constant “experimental” drug use as a means of escape by the time i was 17 years old. i lived in an ever-devolving psychological state for all of my twenties, while still trying to maintain the tattered guise of being a functional human and productive member of society. I held two full time jobs and put myself thru collage. If you didn’t know better, and most people didn’t, you’d think i was a young professional on the rise. Nope. Not really…and I spent almost 20 years like this.

    I finally got clean and sober when I found I was expecting my first child as I entered my thirties. For the next five years, i remained as such, without even resorting to any form of self harm to cope with all of the new demands on my time, mind, heart and body, because i threw myself into the role of “Mother”. Motherhood was my first experience with really getting out of my own twisted head and then putting something greater than i before my own chaotic neurosis and extreme selfishness. However, my ex-husband’s relapse three years into the marriage began wearing on me hard, as did being a full time, single mother, for all intents and purposes, to now two young children. I promptly began cutting once again at the 33 years old, after not cutting for nearly 18 years . A few months later, a heroin relapse after 65 months clean shortly followed the cutting…as did a stay in the local area hospital’s psychiatric center, as well as a three week visit in drug rehabilitation.

    I’ve been in that place where many of you out there reading this have been. Maybe you’re still there in that place right now. It’s okay if you are. I had lived that way for almost my entire life. And guess what?? I’m here to tell you right now that it CAN all get better. It can be different. It can change. YOU can change. It takes a ton of dedication, strength, soul searching and digging into all of dustiest shadows your mind, heart and soul…but YES, it can be done!!

    It was at that time, during my relapse and while entering rehab…at the lowest point of my entire life…that I met the Man who would soon become my Dominant on Facebook. Upon leaving rehab, W/we embarked upon a new bi-coastal, long distance D/s relationship. To this day, I’m still not sure why either of U/us thought it would work out, lol…but I’m beyond thankful that it did. Those shakey beginnings very slowly evolved into the very solid and dependable foundation of trust and love like I’ve never experienced ever before in an intimate relationship. i just thought i had once again embarked on the fool’s errand of putting something else in front of my own self care…a new and beautiful fantasy distraction of some sort…but my new Dominant would have none of that. None. Nothing at all. Nada. Zip.

    The first thing that needed to happen as W/we initiated our relationship was that i needed to understand that my previous attempts to rebuild myself were not failures. With His help, i was able to see that my flaws didn’t make me a bad person…only human…and a very hurt and confused human at that. My Dom helped me to realize that I was absolutely “perfect in my imperfections” and as such, I was the ONLY one in control of changing myself for the better because i alone held the power to do so. I was finally ready…but i was still scared.

    He helped me re-discovered these forgotten facts by assigning meaningful tasks for me complete that would, over time, build upon the success of one another to strengthen my character and my resolve. He assigned nothing by way of tasks and requirements that I hadn’t already expressly stated that i wanted help to change, thus reinforcing His stance that I was in fact perfect in His eyes and that He would only support any changes I wanted (or needed) to make within and for myself, as He wasn’t looking to change me. Even tho i understood His intentions, it took a while for this concept to sink in thoroughly. Also, i discovered that conjuring up misplaced feelings of resentment toward Him to cause an issue was an easy and convenient way to shift the focus off of myself and my fears of change. Blatant manipulation and malicious topping from the bottom at it’s finest…but He saw right thru my rouse and shut me down rather effortlessly in this respect as well. My Dom also taught me how to give myself some slack and how to try again tomorrow when I screw up today. That lesson was invaluable.

    As the months wore on and i was becoming more fully immersed into all these new activities and new mindsets within our D/s LDR, i began to feel joy in my own personal accomplishments again and i was able to once again take pride in my successes, no matter how small. I wasn’t able to completely lose myself in Him and in O/our relationship because of the distance. That 3,000 mile distance was such a blessing in disguise for U/us in those early months. I was only left with the option of focusing on myself, for the first time in my life, so i could face my demons and finally begin growing as a person.

    I learned to believe I was worthy of His care and Dominance because of who i am as a person, not just because what i could do for Him. I learned balance in this way, as i still had my children, my Dom and all my other responsibilities to which I had to attend but i also began making time for myself. I grew and blossomed as a woman, a mother, a submissive and as a newly re-connected member of the human race.
    The tasks my Dominant requested of me which helped me prepare for all these changes are all activities that we have posted about here in this group, time and time again. These activities include:
    ☆Journaling
    ☆Personal care / grooming habits
    ☆Personal interests
    ☆Exercise regimes
    ☆Healthy lifestyle / eating habits
    ☆Mental health services
    ☆Coping strategies
    ☆Submissive rituals
    ☆Open and honest communication
    ☆BDSM education
    ☆Meditation and prayer
    ☆Devotion to sacredness
    ☆Releasing any emotion or process that no longer served
    ☆Participating in various types of edge play

    ☆Journaling
    I was tasked with journaling my thoughts and emotions daily for almost a year. He wanted me to start facing my inner self and all my demons on the printed page. He was allowed to read my entries (most often, i would read them to Him due to the distance), but He wasn’t allowed to get upset at anything I wrote, as He wanted me to trust Him and this process. Sometimes, He would assign me relevant topics to write about that coincided with issues we were facing, other times I would just write. I’d write like I was talking to Him or just ranting to myself, but I always felt better afterwards because I was always honest in my writings. In time, i was able to look back and see a record of my moods, triggers, responses and feelings and W/we were able to decipher the patterns that were playing on repeat within our relationship and in my life. Journaling my thoughts and feelings was an invaluable first step to getting to honestly know myself as i truthfully revealed myself to Him.

    ☆Personal care / grooming habits
    People with depression and anxiety often forsake their own personal care in favor of helping or caring for others and then have nothing left for themselves. Helping others is wonderful, but not of you’re neglecting yourself in the process. It was a bit of a shock to step away from ‘single mom mode’ and “become” a submissive again after a (failed) vanilla marriage. My Dom’s tasks in this area were simple…all things i should have never let go of doing in the first place…but i unfortunately did. Focusing on these areas again immediately elevated my mood and my self-esteem. You can customize your personal care routine however you see fit. My tasks included the following:
    *i’m to remain shaved/waxed, smooth/kempt and clean at all times
    *Weekly manicures and pedicures (done at home, usually)
    *Sweats are only to be worn if I’m sick or if it’s very cold out, otherwise, i’m to be properly dressed, even if i don’t leave the house that day
    *i’m to wear His “Nipple Bra” in public daily unless I’m directed not to (you guessed it, a bra with the nipples cut out to “stand out” in a crowd). Wearing this bra was difficult at first because i was self-conscious, but soon I began to enjoy the idea of showing off what is His in public. I now find a sense of empowerment from wearing His Nipple Bra.

    ☆Personal interests
    I was tasked with making time for personal interests that had nothing to do with Him or my children every single evening. I won’t bore you with listing all my personal hobbies and pastimes, but I do suggest you make a list of activities that you enjoy and then spend time doing at least one or two of them every day…even if only for 30 minutes at a time. Every one can spare 30 minutes to do something that makes them happy.

    ☆Exercise regimes
    A big aspectof my depression revolved around the 100 pounds I had gained between the time I was using and my two pregnancies and subsequent periods of bed rest. Going from the lithe body of a junkie to the morbidly obese body of a single mom was a huge hit to my ego, even though I’d done ALL the damage to myself. My Dom planned out daily exercise routines for me to follow based on my weight loss and work out goals and after a few months (of my incessant fear-based whining and) working out, i dropped half the weight. I still strive to maintain a healthy body image daily and i love the endorphin rush I get from a good work out…once i actually get off my ass and do it. It really helps being held accountable for your actions in areas such as this. You should always taylor any fitness plans to a doctor’s advice before you begin a new regimine if you have any medical issues.

    ☆Healthy lifestyle / eating habits
    The only way to maintain a healthy body image is to live a healthy lifestyle. This includes:
    *Regular doctor visits
    *Regular dental checkups
    *Eating healthy, cutting out most sugars and junk food
    *Getting enough rest and sleep
    *Any new medical issues in either party need to be professionally monitored and the diagnosis disclosed to both parties.
    *Any chronic ailments should also be addressed and dealt with as soon as possible. Just because you’re used to the condition doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek out the best course of treatment.
    I suffer from insomnia and migraines and my Daddy will sometimes talk to me softly over the phone, telling me quietly whispered nonsense stories to relax my mind and melt my heart. This is the only insomnia strategy that’s ever worked before and sometimes we can even catch a headache and stop it before it turns into a migraine. He’s currently making me an mp3 of His voice so i can listen to Him every night after our nightly phone calls to help me drift off to dreamland. Whatever you’re going thru with your medical issues, seeking the best care available to you will help in regulating your moods and mental state.

    ☆Mental health services
    Did I mention that i’m a recovering addict with bipolar and anxiety issues? Lol, well i am…and as such, there are times that therapeutic intervention and medication are a necessity to my daily functioning. Usually Daddy sees when I’m slipping before I do, so i have submitted to being open to listening and seeking medical attention when He says medicine is in need. Luckily, we haven’t been in that dark place for almost a year now, but when I was I found my way back by:
    *Disclosure of my mental state to someone I trust
    *Making and keeping all mental health services appointments
    *Being honest with the mental health services staff about my issues
    *Actively participating in my care and treatment plan
    *Taking all medications as prescribed
    *Alerting my medical team to any medical problems arising from new medications or drug interactions

    ☆Coping strategies
    The reason W/we haven’t needed to revisit that dark and scary emotional state is because my Dom and i have learned several coping strategies to help deal with my mania, depression and anxiety that have minimized my need for a cocktail of psychotropic medications. Some techniques for controling your emotions are as follows:
    *As mentioned before, exercising is a wonderful means of flooding the body with endorphinsand feeling better, so i still do this regularly
    *i enjoy getting piercings so instead of cutting or turning to another self harm technique when I’m upset, i will focus my energies into saving for a new piercing…or three. This strategy also workd with those who have a love of tattooing, branding or or other methods of professional scarification.
    *When I am really on the verge of self harm, i have a network of other female submissives to whom i turn for support and guidance. Many of us submissives share the same battles and fight the same demons. Having a Dominant in your life is wonderful, but nothing came replace your tribe of “sisters” and other honorable Community members to who you can reach out when you’re in need.
    *i also snap a rubber band on my wrist when the anxiety is telling me to cut; this is a distraction until the difficult emotional darkness passes.
    *Musicis another outlet for me and many others who have a history of self harm.
    *Some of my fellows submissives draw beautiful designs on their bodies instead of cutting themselves.
    *Still others write, read, paint or draw to focus their energies back to a safe place during a crisis. I’m not very artistic, so i color in adult coloring books, especially ones filled with Mandalas (ancient artwork designs that represent the Universe). Art is wonderful outlet for stress reduction.
    *Another tip that’s been invaluable to me is to avoid feeding into drama, in daily life and on social media. It helps me to remember to act like His submissive and not a drama queen.

    ☆Submissive rituals
    As I began to finally heal, i was able to begin to include more service-orientated tasks into my daily responsibilities. I was no longer seeking to distract myself with my thoughts or the needs of another, but rather I was learning to prioritize and multitask once again, at my own pace. My tasks regarding this subject are all centered around creating and maintaining the submissive headspace that helps me feel safe and grounded. Self harming is a learned behavior that arises from insecurities and as I’m accomplishing these tasks, I’m re-learning appropriate behavior to help me feel connected to my Dominant and secure within O/our relationship. Some of my tasks are as follows:
    *Sending Him daily “good morning” texts upon waking
    *Sending photos of myself and my body as per His request
    *Wearing my anal plug whilst cleaning the house
    *Standing I my tip toes while I vacuum
    *Practicing slave positions and working on my balance and grace
    *Going without a bra and/or panties when directed
    *Edging myself per His request
    *Being open to other tasks and directions without needless questioning or complaining about my lack of understanding
    If your Dominants have earned this type of trust, with time and by demonstrating your best interests are at heart, then by all means, trust them.

    ☆Open and honest communication
    Once I had gone thru many months of completing the above tasks and requirements, proving to myself and to Him that i was ready to progress to the next steps, my Dom thought I was stable enough to begin O/our conversation about edge play. (Oh yeah!! Edge play!!!) It took all this time to even mention the topic!! But it HAD to take this long…because so many other factors needed to to be dealt with, overcome and stabalized before we could get to this point. W/we hadn’t done ANY edge play as of this point and W/we were still a long way off from actually participating in these actions. My Dom needed to KNOW that I wouldn’t relapse into self harm because of some unsatisfactory aspect of my life before W/we ever touched a blade. W/we discussed:
    *The reasons that i would self harm, identifying both my emotional and physical triggers
    *The headspace that i was in when i was self harming and my current headspace
    *The types of edge play in which W/we were both interested
    *What W/we knew about these types of edge play
    *Our respective, real life experience with these types of edge play
    *Resources by which to seek further information on these types of edge play

    ☆BDSM education
    Even as an active member in both the online and local Kink Communities, i don’t know everything about everything in the BDSM Lifestyle. No one does. If they ever say they do, RUN. W/we researched all the edge play activities to which W/we were drawn. Among the core contents of information about edge play that W/we unearthed were:
    *Practical techniques of edge play
    *Safety precautions
    *Emergency care and response strategies
    *Alternative and modified methods
    *First hand experience from reliable sources
    None of the research was difficult to find…in fact, if anything, there’s an over-abundance of information out there. Please know and trust your sources before making any further decisions as to undertaking any BDSM activity. Always use your best judgement and listen to your instincts.

    ☆Meditation and prayer
    After my head was jam packed with knowledge, Daddy and i both spent time processing and assimilating the new information into O/our current information constructs regarding the edge play activities W/we wanted to explore. “Take what serves you and leave the rest behind”, “You can learn something from everyone, even if it’s only how not to be”, and similar expressions come to mind when i think about that time in O/our relationship. I won’t be presumptuous enough to even suggest how you should go about communing with That Which Is Greater than yourself, whatever that may be for you, but we all have our own ways of centering ourselves and finding our direction yet again. Taking time to reconnect with the Universe is ALWAYS a good thing. Namaste and blessed be.

    ☆Devotion to sacredness
    There were many years that i passed the days completely numb and drugged. I had no respect for myself or for anyone or for anything else. The best thing that could be said about me back then was that i wasn’t a theif. That was my only redeeming quality lol. I had no others. The greatest change that’s occurred within myself and my relationship dynamic from those dark times is my appreciation and respect for that which is scared. I can now recognize and give thanks for the sacredness of connection. From learning the true value of what monogamy means to U/us within O/our relationship dynamics to expressing the deep metaphysical pull towards each other that W/we share together, my Dominant and i have discovered a deeper meaning of the truth W/we had sought after when this relationship began…and it just keeps on evolving and strengthening every single day. I have learned that my soul is at peace when I’m serving under His hand. I have seen myself come alive when i am called on to please and comfort Him. I have discovered that amidst the joy of submission to my Dominant, i have found my place in this Universe…and that place is at His side…whether i am 3 feet to His right or 3,000 miles away, i am His. I am owned. He constantly reminds me, in a million little ways, that anything is possible with time, patience, self control, truth and love. And W/we are new well stocked with them all. It’s this sacred connection that can enable all parties in D/s and M/s dynamics to grow and evolve, both together and as individuals. The trust that results from such a divine bond is what makes healing by means of participation in various activities, such as edge play, possible within the relationship.

    ☆Releasing any emotion or process that no longer serves
    Emotional baggage, such as jealousy, anger, resentment, guilt and shame, just to name a few, are the deadliest of all relationship killers. These emotions are the byproducts of all the insecurities we carry with us throughout our entire lives. Fortunately for us, all we need to do to free ourselves from such baggage is to set it down and walk away from it. It sounds so easy…yet we complicate the process to mask our own fear. Well, I’m here to tell you that the demons we know are no friendlier than the demons we don’t know. In fact, there really are no demons at all…they are only lessons in disguise. They can either act as a distraction from reaching our highest possible potential or they can serve as a reminder of our humanity. The choice is always ours to make. It’s at this point in our journey that we can begin to look to engagement in BDSM activities, such as edge play, as a means to physically reclaim what we have already emotionally reconciled.

    ☆Participating in various types of edge play
    Finally!!!!! After all the in-depth honest discussions, soul searching introspection and kink-friendly professional advice has been taken into consideration and all in the parties are ready to start at the elementary levels of edge play that we can finally begin. The type(s) of edge play that you may decide to explore are usually directly correlated to the types of trauma that you have survived. Consider each of the following scenarios:
    *A recovering cutter may begin to participate in ritualistic scarification with their partners(s). The old self harm scars which used to carry painful feelings of shame and guilt can now be replaced with a meaningful brand, tattoo, carving or skin etching.
    *A recovering cutter may also choose to no longer spill their blood in a wasteful manner. The sight of blood that used to signal a breakdown during a crisis can now be viewed as the intimate gift of “sustenance” that a Sanguinarian donor offers freely to their Vampyre partner.
    *A trauma survivor who experienced a rape or molestation may choose to reenact their experience, either by altering the scene to the needs and specifications of all parties or by keeping the experience as close to the actual trauma as possible so the survivor is able to reconcile it within their own reality, with their trusted partner(s). The rape play scene can be taken to whatever conclusion the participants desire, including both consensual submission to and enjoyment of the act, as well as overpowering the “attacker” and fighting until the survivor can “escape”.
    *The trauma survivor who experienced harm during an episode of assault with a dealy weapon may decide to explore blood play, blade play, gun play or extreme bondage while their partner(s) weild the weapon (or alternative item in its stead) during sex or a scene.
    *The adult who has experienced childhood trauma or abandonment may seek to explore one or more of the various age play scenarios with their trusted partner(s). Being made to wear a diaper and being fed from a bottle by their partner(s) is extremely comforting to age players. The Caregiver can soothe, physically hold and verbally reassure their little one and the little can bask in the love and comfort of ultimate acceptance that only their Big can provide.

    In all of the tasks listed above, together with the eventual exploration of edge play, my Daddy showed me that i am not the center of the universe…but i am always at the center of His heart. He helped me realize that my problems weren’t catastrophic because we could very easily tackle anything that should arise together. And He also graciously demonstrated that should the day ever come that He wasn’t there to standby my side (Goddess forbid!), i’d still be very well equiped to handle things by myself and stand on my own. By looking past my own selfishness and ego, i began to be capable of seeing the larger picture…consisting of our relationship, my personal goals, O/our Family, the future W/we’re building together and a greater sense of personal and shared spirituality as O/our bond deepens and strengthens.

    I am once again able to see my own individual value and personal worth. Upon resolving all of these steps within my own mind and within O/our relationship dynamic, I have found my Center, my Peace…I have finally found my Home. I have not picked up a blade in sadness and desperation in over six months (although i DO have several new scars from feeding sessions) and I’m still clean and sober as well. If i can battle my demons and come out stronger on the other side, then absolutely anyone can do it too.

    These are the methods that have worked for me and my Daddy as W/we are resolving our personal issues together. However, it’s important to understand that BDSM isn’t an alternative to professional therapy and no one should ever look to a partner to “heal” them of trauma or illness. The responsibility for doing that falls squarely upon our own shoulders. These tasks and activities listed are stepping stones to change and healing…but YOU are the catalyst that makes change possible in your own life. At the end of the day, partners, friends and family are a wonderful support, if you’re lucky enough energy have them, but all you need is desire, drive and belief in your own power to be better than you were yesterday.

    Please feel free to modify any of these suggestions so that they may adapt to you and your personal experiences. Remember, you are made of stars!! Don’t ever let anyone extinguish your beautiful light. Fight, like the warrior you are, and prevail! I wish you peace…and blessed be.

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    Emotional Anchoring With Words And Phrases

    FB_IMG_1469472632396

    *Originally written and posted on Facebook on September 6, 2015

    Words are very powerful. I posted about “Noun Sex” and “Hot Button Word(s)/Phrases” the other day and the intensely positive effects they can have within a dynamic, especially in regards to sexual arousal, orgasm restrictions and orgasm training. Such words and phrases are the catalyst for the creation of an emotional and psychological process called “anchoring”.

    Anchoring is the result of a socio-emotional connection that is facilitated by the repeated use of key word(s) and/or phrase(s) that promote a feeling of connection and closeness within a relationship or family group. The repeated use of such word(s) create and reinforce the positive feelings that bond the parties within a dynamic to each other.  Every time the word(s) or phrase is repeated, new positive memories and feelings are created and built upon, thus reinforcing the original feelings of connection and closeness and enhancing them.

    In our dynamic, my Daddy will say the phrase, “Oh, it’s so cute that you think you have a choice”, and do a very sexy (I think) and slightly Sadistic chuckle when I’m being nervously resistant to a new command or when I’m being playful and teasing Him about completing my tasks or chores. When He says this, i get a very warm feeling throughout my body. Not a sexual feeling necessarily, but a feeling of being owned, safe, loved and cared for…and that’s the result of anchoring.

    Are there any words and phrases that are used as anchors within your dynamic? Mind you, NOT examples of the “noun sex” or “hot button” words or phrases that are used in purely sexual situations…such as “good girl” or “My slut”, etc…but the every day sayings that make you feel owned (for submissives) or in control (for Dominants). If so, which words are part of your dynamics’ anchoring process?

    ~Beautifully Broken~

    A Free Bleeding Scene

    shutterstock_342680309I kneel down on the rug outside of the bathtub and turn the water on. I adjust the temperature and stand up to enter the shower. I quickly shave my entire body of unwanted hair and wash my face. Careful not to wet my pinned up hair, I shift my position and arch my back as i tug the saturated tampon out of my vagina. I pull the shower curtain aside and drop it into the wastebasket. I retrieve the shower wand, immediately putting it to His bloody pussy as I hurriedly wash it clean.

    I kneel before the shower head, still mindful of my dry hair, and turn off the water. Kneeling as I turn the water on and off is a ritual Daddy has requested I follow in order to remind myself of my submissive headspace…I cleanse myself of daily stresses and wash His body in preparation of presentation. I pull back the curtain and insert a new Super plus absorbency tampon, even before stepping out of the shower, so I wouldn’t bleed on the bathmat.

    Cramping and nauseated, I dress slowly and prepare myself to sit through a child’s birthday party. Daddy sees the discomfort on my face and asks if I have taken Ibuprofen yet. I shake my head ‘no’ and accept them straight from His hand into my mouth. I gulp them down with water and thank Him. Daddy asks if my flow is heavy and I tell Him that it is raging.

    “When we come home later tonight, take off your clothes and remove your tampon. Put on a long nightshirt and don’t put on panties”, Daddy says as I continue dressing.

    “Yes, Daddy”, I reply.

    Daddy thanks me and I put on my silver…stud earrings, dangling earrings, eyebrow piercing jewelry…His Training Collar is already around my neck. He returned it to me on our weekend in New York, July 2-3, 2016.

    I attend the party with my family but I become nauseated again after three hours and Daddy tells me to return home. Daddy decides to stay with our boys and gets them changed to go into the pool. He kisses me and tells me to feel better. I thank Him and I begin the short walk home.

    I arrive home and go into the bathroom. I remove my tampon and flush it down the toilet. I take off all my clothes and carry them into our bedroom. I select a black long nightshirt from the closet and put it on. I happily begin my free bleeding task.

    After the children are in bed, Daddy comes into our bed and lays down for His nightly massage. He breathes deeply as I touch and tease His body, relishing the scent of coppery lust in the air. He growls softly in His throat. His Cock is stiff and rigid as He gently pushes me back on the the pillows…and He begins to feed on the blood dripping from my body, licking and suckling on my swollen clit and lips, confident in the fact that all before Him is unequivocally His.

    After He is satisfied and I am shaking, we leave our bed, now damp and perfumed in blood and sex to go to the patio to smoke. Blood and semen are dripping from my thighs and the mixture stains the wooden bench upon which I am seated. When we are finished, we slip back into bed. His love still dripping from me, bloody and slick, as He kisses me goodnight and I snuggle against Him. He is breathing our combined scent deeply, until He is drawn into sleep. I snuggle beside Him and drift off as well, His love still dripping out of His body, carried along all night by the crimson river, which He will taste again before it runs dry.

    ~Beautifully Broken~